New One-Liners.

It’s long overdue, but here’s a few additions to the one-liners list.

• It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
• Monday is the root of all evil.
• Does the noise in my head bother you?
• It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
• Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
• Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
• “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” - Dave Dunseath
• Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
• Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
• If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
• To err is human, to arr is pirate.
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
• Honk if you like peace and quiet.
• “Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.” - Mike Tyson
• To err is hunam.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
• Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
• To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
• I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
• I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
• I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
• Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
• Whatever happens, ignore it all.
• Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

July One-Liners.

Not that many additions to the one-liners in July:

• I only drink to make other people more sociable.
• You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
• Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
• “Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.” - Joss Whedon
• I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

I like the last one in particular.

June One-Liners.

Here’s the list of June’s additions to the one-liners listing:

• “In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.” — Johann von Neumann
• Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
• Only users loose drugs.
• “Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.” — Albert Einstein
• Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
• I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
• There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
• You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.
• If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.

As usual I got a few new one-liners by e-mail, in particular after the listing was featured on I Am Bored. I was looking at my Google Analytics reports and noticed a large visitor spike on June 11, when the number of visitors to the site was about twenty times the normal number. From I Am Bored, the link spread to a few similar sites. In the last month, the one-liners listing has received about 74% of the total number of visitors to the site. It’s interesting when a tiny part of the site becomes the main attraction.

May One-liners.

A few more one-liners were added today:

• Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
• “Never waste a lie when the truth will do.” - Jack Clancy
• Trying is failing with honors.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• Send lawyers, guns and money!
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
  worth it.
• No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
• There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
• There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can’t.
• 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
• Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
• Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
• Optimist: Someone without much experience.
• The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
• “Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.” - Heinlein
• The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
• No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
• Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
• Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
• Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• if we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

I’ve removed the quotation on some of the old one-liners because it has turned out I might have credited the wrong sources. Thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails with new one-liners and corrections.

More Lines.

I’m getting a couple of one-liners by e-mail every now and then and here are a few of them that I decided to add to the collecton.

• Be good - and if you can’t be good, be careful (very similar to “Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.”, but it’s supposedly the original was coined in England in the 1910’s - 1920’s, so I decided to include it.)
• You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
• “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” –Peter Kaye.
• Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
• We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
• “I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?” –Tom Clancy.
• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Thanks a lot to everyone who contributed.