www.vegard.net » One-liners

February One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:38:40 +0000

Here are February’s additions to the one-liners collection.

“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.” — Vladimir Lenin
“Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot.” — Vladimir Lenin
“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” — Voltaire
“I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” — Voltaire
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” — W. C. Fields
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it.” — W. C. Fields
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” — W. C. Fields
“Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!” — W. C. Fields
“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.” — Warren Buffett
“Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” — Will Rogers
“Thought is free.” — William Shakespeare
“A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits.” — Woodrow Wilson
“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” — Woodrow Wilson
“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.” — Woody Allen
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.” — Zig Ziglar
I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.

January One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:57:47 +0000

A new year is upon us and the one-liners just keep coming.

“I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry
“Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.” — Steve Jobs
“Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.” — Steve Jobs
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” — Steven Wright
“All warfare is based on deception.” — Sun Tzu
“Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” — Sun Tzu
“Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.” — Theodore Roosevelt
“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.” — Theodore Roosevelt
“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a know and hold on.” — Theodore Roosevelt
“Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.” — Thomas Alva Edison
“I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.” — Thomas Alva Edison

Christmas Bonus!

Vegard Skjefstad — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:01:24 +0000

You might have noticed that I’ve been trying to add new one-liners to the collection at the beginning of every month. Here’s a quick Christmas bonus for you enjoyment:

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
When in doubt, mumble.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.

December One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Here are the December additions to the one-liners collection.

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” — Pablo Picasso
“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” — Pablo Picasso
“The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.” — Pablo Picasso
“To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic.” — Pablo Picasso
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” — Plato
“It is only the dead who have seen the end of war.” — Plato
“Love is a serious mental disease.” — Plato
“I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience.” — R. Buckminster Fuller
“There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.” — R. Buckminster Fuller
“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” — Robin Williams
“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali
“When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.” — Sigmund Freud
“I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world.” — Socrates
“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.” — Socrates

November One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:41:28 +0000

Here are November’s additions to the one-liners collection, without attributions this time.

They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

October One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 16:58:29 +0000

Here are October’s additions to the one-liners collection.

“There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots.” — Mark Rasch
“I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.” — Nancy Mitford
“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” — Napoleon Bonaparte
“The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.” — Napoleon Bonaparte
“You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse.” — Napoleon Bonaparte
“I am the captain of my soul.” — Nelson Mandela
“Quitting is leading, too.” — Nelson Mandela
“It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles.” — Niccolo Machiavelli
“Never was anything great achieved without danger.” — Niccolo Machiavelli
“Politics have no relation to morals.” — Niccolo Machiavelli
“A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.” — Orson Welles
“Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.” — Orson Welles
“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing.” — Oscar Wilde
“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.” — Oscar Wilde
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde
“I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.” — Oscar Wilde
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” — Oscar Wilde
“Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.” — Ozzy Osbourne
“Could be worse… I could be Sting.” — Ozzy Osbourne
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.” — Ozzy Osbourne

September One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 16:17:35 +0000

Here are September’s additions to the one-liners collection.

“Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.” — Mae West
“Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile.” — Mae West
“Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” — Mae West
“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” — Mae West
“I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.” — Mae West
“If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right.” — Mae West
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” — Margaret Thatcher
“I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” — Mark Twain
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” — Mark Twain
“Name of the greatest inventor. Accident.” — Mark Twain
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain
“The time is always right to do the right thing.” — Martin Luther King
“We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools.” — Martin Luther King
“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” — Maya Angelou
“Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.” — Mary Pickford
“The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” — Mary Pickford
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” — Mohandas Gandhi
“If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.” — Mother Teresa
“Live simply so other may simply live.” — Mother Teresa

August One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:58:15 +0000

Here are the August additions to the one-liners collection. Mostly motivational quotes this time.

“Religion is the Opium for the masses.” — Karl Marx
“If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself.” — Kris Kristofferson
“Friends are nothing but a known enemy.” — Kurt Cobain
“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.” — Kurt Cobain
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are.” — Kurt Cobain
“A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.” — Lao Tzu
“Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved.” — Lao Tzu
“He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty.” — Lao Tzu
“To lead the people, walk behind them.” — Lao Tzu
“Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in.” — Leonardo da Vinci
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” — Lou Holtz
“Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think.” — Lou Holtz

July One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 12:58:50 +0000

For July I’ve wrapped up some nice one-liners by people on J. Lots of Johns for some reason. Enjoy.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” — Jim Morrison
“Whoever controls the media controls the mind.” — Jim Morrison
“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” — Jim Rohn
“Either you run the day or the day runs you.” — Jim Rohn
“If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” — Jim Rohn
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” — Jimi Hendrix
“Fear is the foundation of most governments.” — John Adams
“Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names.” — John F. Kennedy
“Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” — John Lennon
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
“Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life.” — John Wooden
“Don’t mistake activity for achievement.” — John Wooden
“Listen if you want to be heard.” — John Wooden
“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.” — John Wooden
“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.” — Joseph Addison
“History has shown there are no invincible armies.” — Joseph Stalin
“Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything.” — Joseph Stalin

New One-liners.

Vegard Skjefstad — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 20:05:29 +0000

The Formula One race from Montréal was red flagged for a good two hours and right now we’re running behind the safety car. I used the time to dig up a few more one-liners for you. Enjoy.

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” — Dalai Lama
“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” — Dalai Lama
“Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.” — Dalai Lama
“Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.” — Dale Carnegie
“Most of us have for more courage than we ever dreamed possible.” — Dale Carnegie
“You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing.” — Dale Carnegie
“The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” — Dorothy Parker
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
“It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“No leader can be too far ahead of his followers.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“What one has to do usually can be done.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“You always admire what you really don’t understand.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.” — Elvis Presley
“Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt
“There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt
“A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“There are no facts, only interpretations.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
“Leisure is being allowed to do nothing.” — G.K. Chesterton
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” — George Bernhard Shaw
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.” — George Bernhard Shaw
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” — George Bernhard Shaw
“Those who can not change their minds can not change anything.” — George Bernhard Shaw
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” — George Carlin
“It is better to be alone than in bad company.” — George Washington
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” — Goethe
“Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.” — Goethe
“I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it.” — Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” — Groucho Marx
“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.” — Groucho Marx
“Advertising is legalized lying.” — H.G. Wells
“If we don’t end war, war will end us.” — H.G. Wells
“Our true nationality is mankind.” — H.G. Wells
“Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice.” — Henry Ford
“Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.” — Henry Ford
“The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing.” — Henry Ford
“Vision without execution is just hallucination.” — Henry Ford
“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right.” — Henry Ford