Did I succeed? We’ll see.

As a kid I used to worry about a lot of things. I can’t really remember exactly what I used to worry about, but I do remember that it was a lot. Because of this, my stomach hurt most of the time. I was a shy, timid kid, a bit afraid of most stuff that was not familiar to me. Why I was like this, I don’t know. It might have been because I was also a short and skinny kid, mostly hanging out with people who was a couple of years older than me. Not the alpha male of the pack, to put it that way.

One event I remember* in particular was when me and my mother was visiting someone at the local hospital. I asked her for some candy, a box of the good old Stupedama to be precise. Sure, I could get a box, on one condition: That I went over and bought it myself. But there was no way in hell I could get myself to do that. I wanted the candy, but I was just afraid to buy it myself. I can’t remember if I eventually bought the box or if I got any candy in the end, but I remember the feeling when my mother asked me to buy it myself.

I also remember very clearly how I stopped worrying too much. I don’t know how old I was, but I think it was when I was attending middle school. I was walking home one day and suddenly remembered that we were having a test the next day. I’d completely forgotten all about it and now it was too late to start reading for the test. A failed test would look rather bad on my usually decent report card. Normally, this realization would make my stomach twist and turn and keep me awake at night, but this time I, for some reason, decided that the test was completely out of my control now and that there was no need to worry about it.

The next day our teacher reported that the test was canceled due to time constraints. Then it hit me how unnecessary it was to worry about things that I had no means of influencing anyway. And if I was lucky, things might, as in this case, work out anyway.

Ever since that day, I’ve tried to apply this way of thinking to everything and it has mostly worked out very well. Of course I worry about stuff every now and then, but it’s nothing compared to the kid I once were. Thinking like this also enables me to concentrate my efforts on trying to handle things I can actually control and to plan ahead. Of course I realize that this way of thinking can’t be applied to every single human being. In the middle of a war zone it can be somewhat hard not to worry about the things that you can’t control. Sometimes there are things happening in life that you are not the master of and that controls you. In such extreme cases, it might still be that it’ll help to realize that you can’t control it, and concentrate your efforts on the things that you can control. Because there are always something, if you look close enough.

One of the items on The List is to come up with a good one-liner. I think this entry boils down to one, and, to be honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’ve searched the internet for a similar one, but failed to find any one-liners or quotes that matched. So, here is my contribution to t-shirt wisdom:

“You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.”

By this I mean that you will not feel you are in control of your life if you let your need to worry control you. If you realize that you are in fact not in control of a lot of things that are happening in our life, I’ll be so bold to claim that you will live a much happier life.

Any suggestions for changes to the one-liner that can make it a bit snappier are very welcome.

*Note that this might have been something I have dreamed, and it’s possible it never actually happened. I’m saying this because I also have a very vivid memory from my early childhood where me and my parents are supposed to go somewhere in our car, but I refuse to take my pants on. After struggling with me for a long while, they give up, leave the apartment and drive away in the car – leaving me crying on the door step. They turned the car just on the top of the hill we were living on and drive back, but it’s obviously something that has scarred me for life. And both my parents deny that all this ever happened.

Image: “I know you’re worried – I’m worried too” by ona (diospordios). Some rights reserved.

• “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” — Henry Ford
• Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
• I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
• If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
• I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
• Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
• What has been seen cannot be unseen.

If you often venture the internet, you should pay particular attention to the last two. Be careful when you click those links…

• It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
• Monday is the root of all evil.
• Does the noise in my head bother you?
• It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
• Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
• Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
• “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” – Dave Dunseath
• Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
• Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
• If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
• To err is human, to arr is pirate.
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
• Honk if you like peace and quiet.
• “Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.” – Mike Tyson
• To err is hunam.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
• Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
• To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
• I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
• I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
• I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
• Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
• Whatever happens, ignore it all.
• Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

• I only drink to make other people more sociable.
• You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
• Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
• “Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.” – Joss Whedon
• I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.

I like the last one in particular.

• “In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.” — Johann von Neumann
• Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
• Only users loose drugs.
• “Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.” — Albert Einstein
• Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
• I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
• There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
• You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.
• If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.

As usual I got a few new one-liners by e-mail, in particular after the listing was featured on I Am Bored. I was looking at my Google Analytics reports and noticed a large visitor spike on June 11, when the number of visitors to the site was about twenty times the normal number. From I Am Bored, the link spread to a few similar sites. In the last month, the one-liners listing has received about 74% of the total number of visitors to the site. It’s interesting when a tiny part of the site becomes the main attraction.

• Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
• “Never waste a lie when the truth will do.” – Jack Clancy
• Trying is failing with honors.
• Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
• Send lawyers, guns and money!
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
  worth it.
• No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
• There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
• There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
• 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
• Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
• Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
• Optimist: Someone without much experience.
• The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
• “Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.” – Heinlein
• The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
• No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
• Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
• Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
• Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• if we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

I’ve removed the quotation on some of the old one-liners because it has turned out I might have credited the wrong sources. Thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails with new one-liners and corrections.

• Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful (very similar to “Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.”, but it’s supposedly the original was coined in England in the 1910’s – 1920’s, so I decided to include it.)
• You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
• “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.” –Peter Kaye.
• Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
• We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
• “I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?” –Tom Clancy.
• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Thanks a lot to everyone who contributed.

• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Yes, I see the irony of this one-liner.

On Friday night before I went to bed, I converted the whole site to UTF-8. This means I can now write stuff like 日历服务和桌面搜索, チエンジンの日本版 and Η μεγαλύτερη μηχανή αναζήτησης παγκόσμια στα ελληνικά. Even if I have no idea what it means.

I’m sorry if I accidently offended someone.

Have fun.

I also added a few new one-liners I found on a poster when I was at the party at Gunnar’s place last Saturday:

• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
• If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
• Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
• The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
• The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

• Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
• The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
• Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
• Frog blast the vent core!
• Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
• Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
• In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
• It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.
• Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
• If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?

If you spot any dupes, please let me know.