100 Things Revisited.

Let’s rewind to 2004. I’m sitting in a loft in Grünerløkka, Oslo’s hottest neighborhood for the city’s young, urban, up-and-commers. Together with two former colleagues I’ve just founded a startup, and like with many startups, work is all-consuming, leaving little time for other adventures. The only way for me to do other things is to set some goals. That’s when The List is born.

The List contains 100 things I want to do before I croak. Also known as a bucket list1, its items range from the most trivial things (#93: Write on a wall), to some more complicated endeavors (#60: Save a life). The List has gone through a few minor modifications since it’s inception. Some of the items on the original list were pretty far fetched, like the original #14: Rob a bank. Seriously? The original #56 wasn’t any better: Witness the production of porn in person. In my feeble defense, I was in my mid-twenties, heavily overworked, and desperately sex deprived.

The items on the list should be at least semi-realistic. It’s great to have ambitious goals, but as life changes, the odds that I will actually be able to check off some of the currently non-checked items on the list is pretty damn slim. That’s why, as I’m pushing 40, it’s time to have a good, long, hard look at The List again.

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Euro Truck Simulator 2.

Do you hear that? The open roads of Euro Truck Simulator 2 are calling.

When I was a kid, I saw the Kris Kristofferson movie “Convoy” with my dad. Kristofferson stars as the truck driver Martin “Rubber Duck” Penwald, and the movie tells the dramatic story of Rubber Duck and other trucker’s vendetta against an abusive sheriff, the comradery among the truckers, and, of course, big trucks. Huge, 18-wheeler rigs speeding through Arizona dessert. I was blown away by “Convoy”, and there was no doubt in my mind. I was going to be a truck driver when I grew up.

But life wanted things differently. I’m born with an eye condition that make it illegal for me to operate heavy machinery like airplanes, helicopter – and big rigs. I can still remember when the eye doctor told me this. For him, it was just another footnote in his otherwise normal day. For me, it was like getting all my hopes and dreams for the future ruined in the blink of an eye.

But now, 30 odd years later, with the help of Euro Truck Simulator 2 by Czech developer SCS Software, I can finally live my dream of driving those massive trucks across the continent. And there’s no risk of me running over pedestrians because my eyes are all over the place.

Euro Truck Simulator 2: Embarking from Stavanger, Norway, with some very heavy cargo.

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October One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for October:

  • In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
  • I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  • Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
  • My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
  • Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
  • Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
  • I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
  • None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
  • Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  • Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
  • Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
  • Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
  • “This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!” – Inventor of Pringles
  • If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
  • I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.

2017 Norwegian Parliamentary Election.

We’re getting closer to the 2017 Norwegian parliamentary election. If you haven’t already voted in advance, make sure you get your ass to a polling place on Monday. You can find everything you need to know about the election on the official Valg 2017 (Norwegian version) site.

The most important thing you need to know is where your polling place is located, and that you don’t need the polling card you got in your mailbox a while back. All you need to bring is a valid picture ID. So if you’ve somehow managed to misplace the polling card, you can still vote! Why the voting officials are still spending millions on sending people something they don’t actually need must be the very definition of a dysfunctional bureaucracy.

Even if you can’t find a party that speaks to you1, there’s not reason to stay at home on election day. Go to a polling place and leave a blank vote. In Norwegian elections, blank votes are invalid and discarded, but they are counted towards the total number of votes. This means that your protest vote makes a difference, because the election statistics will show how many people gave a blank vote.

If you still decide not to vote, at least have the decency to shut the fuck up about everything political that happens in the future – if you abstain from voting, you also yield your right to complain. If you can’t quite get your head around that, please consult this helpful chart by Cyanide & Happiness.

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September One-liners.

It’s been a while now, but here are some new one-liners for September:

  • I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
  • Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
  • I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
  • I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
  • I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
  • Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
  • The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
  • Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
  • I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
  • Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
  • I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
  • 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
  • So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.