Once upon a time i reviewed energy drinks. Then I didn't. Now I might do it again.
Energy drinks have long been the source of great controversy. They’re being marketed to young adults, and thus the young and hopeful go ahead and kill themselves drinking too much. I covered this issue extensively in the post “Death by Energy Drink!” last year. Personally, I’m a big fan of energy drinks. I’m nowhere near the product’s target audience, though. Having just broken the magical Big Four Oh, I can’t say that I’m a young adult, neither mentally nor physically. Neither am I a particularly active extreme sports athlete, and I hope I don’t qualify as your stereotypical energy drink gulping douche.
Even though I’m not your average energy drink consumer, I enjoy a sparkling can now and then. I’m at my most creative early in the morning, after a couple of sips from one of the available brands, from Red Bull to Monster Energy. My love for the fizzy creative juice culminated in a series of energy drink reviews, seven in total. The series ran for about a year, in 2015 and 2016.
The reviews had two major problems, however. First of all, the format I chose was too strict, and therefore very limiting. Secondly, the energy drinks I reviewed were surprisingly boring. Most of them tasted like cheap Red Bull knock offs. Because of this, the reviews quickly started to feel stale, boring, and dull. So I simply stopped writing them.
But now, with unexpected inspiration from a popular Norwegian blogger, I might just give the series another try.
The Soda Blogger
Meet Linnéa Myhre. Once Norway’s most popular blogger, author of three books, she’s been styled the “sinnablogger” (angry blogger) by Norwegian media. Writing about her own experience with depression, and eating disorder, she became an important voice on mental health issues. Lately, her blog has taken an unexpected turn, though, and now she mostly concerns herself with energy drinks and soda. Being an author, the review format is essay-like, creative, and a thousand times more entertaining to read than my crap.
I have absolutely no illusion that I can match the quality of young Myhre’s writing, but at least she can serve as an inspiration. I can also help myself a little by not selecting those awful generic Red Bull copies to review. In that respect, I already have a couple of cans in the fridge that I think will literately serve me well. Will I write any reviews? Will they even serve a purpose if I do? We’ll see. I am, after all, the ruler of Half Assia.
While we’re on the subject of having a well-stocked fridge, here’s an invitation to the energy drink manufacturers to get serious about the availability of their brands here in Norway. The country is tragically neglected when it comes to energy drinks. Take ROCKST★R, for instance. Their American products page reveal no less than 25 different products. The Norwegian product page has 3. In Monster‘s case, it’s even worse. The American products page showcases nearly 50 different products. The Norwegian equivalent? 4.
It’s a travesty, nay, a tragedy! Half of Norway is pitch-dark the entire winter, making it very difficult to stay awake, and be a civilized human being without some kind of stimuli. We need a better selection of energy drinks to survive! The alternative is drugs. I’m pretty sure that’s worse than energy drinks.
Dear energy drink manufacturers. Please don’t turn us into drug addicts1!
Or we’ll sue. ↩︎