Here are this month’s additions to the one-liners collection. Many of them are lifted from various Twitter users via @Funnyoneliners:

  • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
  • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
  • I said I was good at making decisions. I didn’t say the decisions I made were good.
  • Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn’t make up their minds?
  • You never really know if you’re over someone until you’re in the car and they’re in the crosswalk.
  • I’m not ignoring you, I’m being mysterious.
  • I don’t like who I become when I have to get out of bed.
  • Turned my lights off for Earth Hour and I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
  • A man of few words is usually married.
  • Let’s never discuss this again until the next time I decide to bring it up.
  • I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
  • I just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
  • I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
  • My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it.