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May One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for May:

  • I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
  • Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
  • I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
  • A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
  • Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
  • I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
  • Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
  • Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
  • I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
  • If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
  • Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
  • I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
  • Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
  • I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
  • My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
  • I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
  • I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  • I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
  • I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
  • We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
  • Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.

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