Chop, chop!

Or: Why I decided to get a vasectomy.

On Monday I went to the good doctor and got myself a vasectomy. There are different ways to perform it, but in my particular case, it was a 30 minute surgical procedure done with local anaesthetic. About 1,5 centimeters (0.4 inches) of both spermatic cords were removed, thus rupturing the connection between the testicles and the penis. This, naturally, prevents sperm from leaving the testicles during ejaculation, which in turn makes it very hard for an egg to get fertilized during sex.

In about four months I’ll have to take a fertility test to confirm that the operation was a success, and that I’m only firing blanks.

But why!?

After my marriage went belly up last year, the thought of getting a vasectomy has gradually grown on me, and I eventually came to the conclusion that it was the only right thing to do.

There are many reasons for that. The fundamental reason is that I don’t want any more biological kids. I’ve got two, and they are both seemingly healthy and well.

I’m 44 years old now, and as I’m getting older, the chance of anything based on my sperm coming out healthy after 9 months in the womb gradually decreases. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of reality I’d have to face if I got a child with serious birth defects. I admire parents who manage to deal with this every day. I’m sure it’s also a wonderful life in ways I can’t comprehend. But, personally, I’m not sure I would have the mental strength to cope with something like that.

Being 44 years old also means that I’m past the half-way mark of the average Norwegian male life expectancy. In the very unlikely event that I were to impregnate someone tonight, I would be 45 years old when the kid is born. I’m too old to once again enter the eternal fog of lack of sleep that toddler parents are all too familiar with. I’m used to sleeping soundly through the night now, and I’d like to keep it that way.

The decision to get a vasectomy also has a very cynical element. I don’t want to, once again, amass another biological pack that I suddenly find myself seeing every other week. Because that might just happen. And with no biological ties, another failed relationship will be a much cleaner cut. I know it’s not a very optimistic outlook to have, but after being burned once, I’d won’t put my hands into the same fire again.

No More Babbbies

If you, like me, are absolutely sure you don’t want any (more) biological kids, getting a vasectomy is an absolute no-brainer.

And, if you’re in a relationship with a female partner who shares your no-more-babbies-view, that’s an even better reason to do it. With a vasectomy, and the fertility test that confirms that you’re now in fact sterile, your partner can get off her birth control. That birth control might be hormone based, and if it is, she’d probably be very happy to get off it.

If you’re single and you see a vasectomy as a chance to wiggle your willy around town without the constant fear of getting a phone call three months after the fact, please note that it won’t protect you from STDs. You still have to practice safe sex even when neutered to make sure your dick won’t fall off.

Still not convinced? Planned Parenthood has a really good article about vasectomy and other forms of birth control. Did you know that condoms, man’s best friend, only has a real life success factor as birth control of 85%? Well, now you do.

Now go give someone you love a hug 💙 And then call your doctor about your vasectomy.


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