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Christmas Bonus!

You might have noticed that I’ve been trying to add new one-liners to the collection at the beginning of every month. Here’s a quick Christmas bonus for you enjoyment:

  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
  • Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  • To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
  • People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  • Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
  • The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
  • Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
  • The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  • This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • My drinking team has a bowling problem.

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