by

Code name Nina

When I first started to write this little rant, it was with real names. “Why not use her real name”, I thought. “The girl in this lill’ story will never ever visit my site anyway. There are billions of pages on the Net. What is the chance that she will read this?”

It’s quite slim. But links to my site are popping up all over the place (jump of joy). It’s linked from my personal web page at my college. It’s on Yahoo!. It’s on AltaVista. It’s on Google. It’s on Northern Light. It’s on some obscure other search engines and personal home pages. It’s in my e.mail signature. It’s in my ICQ details. OK, I admit; the chance is still pretty damn slim. But’s it’s there. So I dropped her real name. Hate me.

Now let’s get started, already!

I’m in love with this girl. Hmmm… no, I don’t think I’m in love with her. In my opinion, the other person has to have feelings for you too to be in love with someone. Being in love with someone who is not in love with you is just a waste of time and effort. Believe me, I know… So I’ll rather say I know this girl. But that will not be right either, because I don’t know her personally. I see her at my college every day, she is in most of my classes and I’ve talked to her a few times (all I was able to say was things like “erh…”, “yes…” and “no…”, but that’s another and not so exciting story) but I don’t know her. I have to say she seems very nice, though.

Maybe I can say that I’m aware of this girl. Of this extremely good looking girl. Or maybe it’s “woman”. I have no idea how old she is, actually. And some women consider themselves girls at the age of 40. She is not 40. My guess is that she is 20 or 21 years old. Something like that. To make it all much simpler, let’s give her a name so I don’t have to refer to her as “the woman” or “the girl” all the time (me Tarzan, you Jane). Let’s call her Nina. Nina is nice. It’s international. Everybody knows someone named Nina. Unless you live somewhere in the rain forest. Not many people named Nina there.

Nina is good looking. One time when she walked through one of the halls at my college all the men turned around to look at her. 25-30 men. Every single one of them turned to look at her. She is way out of my league. Sometimes I think that every girl is out of my league.

At this point, while writing, I asked myself a question: “Why the hell am I writing this? Why the hell am I writing this? Why do I want the world to know all this? Do I secretly want her to see the rant so that she knows I like her? So she can come running to me, screaming “I’ve loved you since the first day I saw you”? Do I want some of her friends to see it and tell her about it?”

I think not. Or at least I hope not. And since I gave the girl a fictive name it will be a little hard to know who Nina really is. I think I write it because I want to. Because I’ve realized that my life is pretty amusing sometimes, at least if you see it from a point of view that is not mine.

So, if she is so good looking that she sounds and I want to get to know her to see if she is nice too (which is a good combination), why don’t I just talk to her? To be honest, she scares the living shit out of me. Women that I feel physically attracted to have always scared me. I just can’t make myself talk to them. It’s like I have this block in my mind1. The two or three times we have talked (who am I kidding, of course I know how many times we have talked2 – she has been the one starting the conversation. And the block in my brain has snapped and I’ve turned into the babbling idiot you’ve probably all been at one time. Which is not a good thing. Bad thing.

But what have I got to lose by talking to her? First of all, my last scrap of self confidence. She could easily crush it. And I will still see her every day. I will probably learn to live with it, but I’ll rather not have to learn to.

Some of you will probably just blow air between your half open mouth (and make that pffbt sound) and think something like “you’ve got a crush on her, man, it will not last for long and then you can start thinking of other things.” Wrong. I’ve been like this since the first time I saw her. 2 years ago. Hey, you two at the back! Stop screaming “pathetic”!. This thing will stop in about 10 months when I’m graduating from college and move someplace else.

Some times I feel sorry for her. She is just too good looking. Once when I was out, I saw her on the dance floor. After a while she got tired, left the dance floor and stood leaning against the wall. After 5 seconds (I’m not kidding) there were four studs standing in front of her, trying to chat her up. Later on the dance floor several guys tried to dance very intimately with her. She handles everything very well. Just pushes them very politely away, with a no-no look on her face. I guess she has a lot of practice.

By not being able to talk to her (thanks to my block), I might (against all odds and all rational thinking) actually miss an opportunity to get to know her. Maybe she even likes me. Just recently when I was out partying (a bit drunk) I was in this room at this club where they play some alternative music (trance, house, techno and such — which in my opinion is the kind of music you should play on clubs, too bad few people agree with me). We were about 15 people in the room (it’s quite small) and Nina enters and starts dancing. She slowly works her way through the crowd and ends up to my left. Oh, my God! I could try turning towards her, dance with her. Hundreds have done this before me and no one have died from it. At least not to my knowledge. But my block kicks in, and I pretend that I don’t notice her instead. After a while she leaves the room. Then, after about thirty minutes she comes back in and the same thing happens all over again. She ends up to my left and I pretend she is not there. The other day I was at the club (I am one of the many resident DJ’s there) and she came with a few friends. I was standing outside, talking to one of the bouncers. They went inside but left again a few minutes later to go to some other place. “You can’t leave so early”, the bouncer said with a grin. “It’s no point being inside when you two are standing here outside”, Nina said as they left.

I hate my block.

Footnotes

  1. That said, my female friends are not ugly. They are good looking, too. I just don’t feel attracted to them in that physical kind of way.
  2. If she reads this, she will probably know that I’m talking about her by now. Let’s hope she never reads it. This last part was one of many things I considered removing, so it would not be to obvious who this Nina character really is. But I guess it wont be a problem. Very few people I know will enter and they all know about my Nina thing already.

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  1. oh, i feel with you. i haven’t experineced this myself yet, but when it happens i’m sure it’s going to be aweful. are you normally an outgoing type of person? then it’s even worse. you’re used to being able to speak up, anytime, anyplace. and when this happens.. ouch.

    at least you have someone to look at, to admire, to think about. some people don’t even have that. it’s even harder to be a student when you don’t have anything to think about, nobody there to make the days go by a little easier. my source of happiness in school graduated and got his ib-diploma in may. all i have now is two years of ib-studies ahead of me.

    at least you’re a good writer. that’s something.