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December One-Liners.

Here are some additions to the one-liners collection. The plan was to collect some Christmas one-liners, but it turned out most of the ones I found online were either not one-liners or a bit too dirty or both. So instead, I bring you this long December list of mostly non-holiday related snippets of wisdom. Enjoy!

  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
  • A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
  • A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
  • I think, therefore I’m single.
  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  • Trust but verify.
  • Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  • Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
  • Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  • Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
  • I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
  • Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  • A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  • For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
  • The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
  • It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  • Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “no hard feelings”.
  • I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
  • Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
  • Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  • If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  • The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

The collection now contains more than 1300 carefully selected one-liners.

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