We all have our guilty pleasure. It’s something that we enjoy, but that would normally be considered out-of-character. It’s not uncommon that we hide our guilty pleasures, perhaps it’s hard for you to tell your testosterone buddies about your favorite romantic comedy? Personally, I make no effort to hide my own guilty pleasure, the Eurovision Song Contest. The contest is held once a year, is mostly associated with raging homosexuals, which is something I don’t consider myself to be. It has also got live performances from artists that often can’t sing, making everything amazingly awkward. That is something I usually hate, I can’t, for instance, watch television shows like American Idol because they make me physically ill.
But there is something strangely appealing about the Eurovision Song Contest. Many of the artist put on a great show and for some of them it’s a chance to get their big breakthrough, both nationally and internationally. They are really going all in. Other artist don’t seem to really give a shit, they are burned out and know that this is most likely one of the last stops before the inevitable death of their career and often themselves. There is also often a lot of drama, both on stage and behind the scenes. And I’m watching it all unfold, year after year.
Both semi finals and the final is now over, and of course I will force my verdict of each individual song on you. The official rules state that the top-ranked song shall receive 12 points, the second-highest ranked song 10 points, and then 8 other songs shall be scored from 8 points to 1 point. This means that not all songs will get a score, and that you can’t give more than one song a specific score. My scoring system uses the same scores, but it’s allowed to give more than one song the same score and all songs might get a score, but it’s not mandatory. What is mandatory, is that the score has to be explained. It’s also possible to get a negative score.
All songs are scored based on their first performance and in the order they appeared on stage. While most of the countries have to go through a semi-final to try to make it to the grand final, some countries are pre-qualified for the grand final either because they won last year’s competition, or because they pour a ridiculous amount of money into EBU’s pockets. Due to the a weird case of massive ESC popularity in Australia, the country has been invited to participate this year as well, and they have been allowed to skip the semi finals and head straight into the grand final. These seven countries are scored based on their performance in the grand final, the others for the performance in the their respective semi-final.
|Moldova||Eduard Romanyuta||This was quite boring, sounds like a lame Britney Spears song. Probably a hit with the gays, though, who, at least according to the stereotype enjoys police officers in skimpy uniforms. 2 points for skimpy uniforms.|
|Armenia||Genealogy||Oh my, a ballade. How original! With 6 people on stage, there is a good chance there’s at least one person there who can’t sing. I heard at least three. 1 point for adventurous rhythm section during the chorus.|
|Belgium||Loïc Nottet||A very non-Eurovision-ish tune. And the artist can actually sing. The song is perhaps a little too simple for the Eurovision crowd, who usually enjoy a bit more show on stage. The artist would be a great evil genius in any movie requiring an evil genius. 4 points for robotic dance.|
|The Netherlands||Trijntje Oosterhuis||Do all artists from the netherlands have to sound like Anouk? Why-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay? Really, really, boring. Still, 1 point to the performer, who somehow managed to totally drown her backing singers.|
|Finland||Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät||A band where all the members have some sort of physical disability. This won’t go down well in the Eastern European countries. The song is 86 seconds long, a lot of other Eurovision artist should follow suit. 3 points for the effort, but there is no way they will have the same ESC Lordi had.|
|Greece||Maria Elena Kyriakou||The drama, oh, the drama! You know the artist is aware that the song sucks when she is in a dress with a cleavage going down to her navel. Greece is still minutes away from going bankrupt, of course they won’t send anything that risk winning. 4 points for the dress, 4 points for the wind machine. Greece gets a staggering 8 points total from me.|
|Estonia||Elina Born & Stig Rästa||Is this guy trying to be Leonard Cohen? He can’t hit the low tones. Oh, and there’s a woman with him who can’t hit the high tones. She looks at him the way a woman who is about to kill. Get off the stage, man. Sure, there will be witnesses, but you’d be dead! Oh, they are sort of talking to each other. That was awkward. This mess gets 0 points.|
|F.Y.R. Macedonia||Daniel Kajmakoski||Ouch, this guy is totally off key. Pretty skimpy beard as well. -3 points for not hitting a single high tone, -2 points for the beard. You are giving the rest of us bearded fellas a bad name. That’s a negative 5 score in total for F.Y.R. Macedonia.|
|Serbia||Bojana Stamenov||I can see a light stick being waved in the audience. Unfortunately, this is not light stick worthy. Oh, wait, it is! Suddenly, everything turned into a 90’s dance anthem. The guy with the light stick obviously had some inside information. Or maybe he had just listened to the song before, they have been available for a while. 3 points for the 90’s flashback.|
|Hungary||Boggie||You might remember Boggie from YouTube. Her Eurovision song is amazingly boring. I’m forgetting it while listening to it. 0 points because there was nothing with that song which appealed to me.|
|Belarus||Uzari&Maimuna||This guy can’t sing too well, but that’s not uncommon in this competition. “Time is like thunder”, he sings. I hope lightning strikes soon so he disappears off stage. 2 points for violin playing brunette.|
|Russia||Polina Gagarina||Interesting to see a country that officially hate gays in a contest loved by the people they hate. On top of that, they have a song about peace. There’s so much irony here. There’s not a snowballs chance in hell they’ll win this, not matter how good the song is. 2 points for an artist that could actually sing, and 2 point for another navel-cleavage, 4 points for being the first clap-along-song. An impressive 8 points in total for Russia. Maybe they can pull through after all?|
|Denmark||Anti Social Media||Does this song have lyrics? I can’t tell. I’m afraid the lead singer is about to eat the microphone. The backup singers are doing a little dancing routine. They are trying to get the audience to clap along. It’s not going too well. 0 points. That was boring.|
|Albania||Elhaida Dani||This is amazingly out of tune. I’m not sure if she has hit a single note yet. It gets better during the chorus, but the verse is a mess. -3 points since this was a truly trying ordeal to listen to.|
|Romania||Voltaj||I got a bit side tracked and didn’t really listen to this song. Was it any good? I don’t know. 0 points since I didn’t listen.|
|Georgia||Nina Sublatti||Ever wanted what it’s like to be
|Lithuania||Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila||Good thing Lithuania didn’t use a wind machine, or the female vocalist would have been blown off stage. 2 points for the banjo. 3 points for girl-on-girl action live on stage. 5 points total, even though the song itself was easily forgettable.|
|Ireland||Molly Sterling||A girl and her tiny piano. Can’t she be trusted with a grand piano? She looks hungrily into the camera and someone has turned on skin smoothness filter. She can sing, but this sure was boring. Where’s the Eurovision show? 0 points.|
|San Marino||Anita Simoncini & Michele Perniola||San Marino decided to send two kids. It have to be depressing to have to bed before the after-party starts. There is absolutely no power in their voices and the love song they sing to each other is… a love song. A feeble attempt to get the audience to clap along falls flat on stage. 0 points.|
|Montenegro||Knez||The middle aged man with an ear ring - who probably arrived in Austria on his motorbike - sings in Montenegrin, a bold choice since then pretty much everyone who is listening has no idea what he is singing about. But at least he can sing. 2 points for hitting every single tone with a powerful voice.|
|Malta||Amber||Malta performs the second song titled “Warrior” this year. I suspect someone by the sound mixer forgot to turn up her microphone, because it’s hard to tell if she is singing or not. Does not successfully hit a single high tone, which is unfortunate since they are echoed. Is she wearing pants or a dress? I can’t tell. Nice light show in the background, let’s award Malta 2 points for that. What the hell, I’ll throw in an extra 1 point for the wind machine. 3 points in total.|
|Norway||Mørland & Debrah Scarlett||I should probably make an effort to say something positive about my home country’s performance, but it’s hard. Both can sing, but, oh, my, the song is unbelievably boring. Nothing is happening on stage. There are just two people singing. That’s it. No Eurovision style show. This is the most boring song I’ve hear so far, and that’s quite the achievement. 0 points.|
|Portugal||Leonor Andrade||Portugal is also singing in their native language. Is any Brazilians watching this? 1 point for the wind machine.|
|Czech Republic||Marta Jandová and Václav Noid Bárta||There are way too many duets this year! Marta has the funkiest legs I’ve seen in a while. Václav sure has a lot of voice and he hits every tone. But I can’t stand duets. Still, the Czech Republic gets 3 points for throwing shoes. About the most show we’ve seen so far in the second semi final.|
|Israel||Nadav Guedj||And the audience turns into one massive boner! I can see remixes of this song finding its way to dance floors around the world. The first song with a little Eurovision style show. There are fireworks and the singer has shoes with wings. 5 points because the previous songs in the second semi final has been generally disappointing. And fireworks, you can’t go wrong with fireworks.|
|Latvia||Aminata||This is trippy. How tall is this woman? I think someone saw Madonna’s Frozen and decided it would look good on stage. Impressive singing, hitting every high and low tone. 3 points.|
|Azerbaijan||Elnur Huseynov||Another surprisingly boring song. Still, 2 points for interpretive dancing and another 2 points since the guy could actually sing, 4 points total.|
|Iceland||Maria Olafs||What is this? Iceland sent a brunette! I’ve been told Iceland was full of blond chicks! A very typical Eurovision song. Also, the singer struggles with about half of the notes in the song. -5 points because Iceland is obviously cheating by sending a brunette from another country. No extra points for the wind machine this time, cheaters.|
|Sweden||Måns Zelmerlöw||Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. That’s all I’m hearing. Isn’t this an Avicii song? Very creative use of the stage lighting. Could easily be turned into a dance floor anthem with the help of a skilled Swedish DJ. And Sweden has a lot of those. This was one of the more catchy songs in this semi final. 4 points.|
|Switzerland||Mélanie René||The woman sure looks intense. I’m a bit scared. Oh, there’s an on-stage costume change! Pretty sure I can see some underwear. Costume malfunction or intentional teaser? It probably won’t scar people for life in the same way Janet Jackson did back in the days. 2 points for being in tune during the entire song, 3 points for impromptu costume change. 5 points in total.|
|Cyprus||John Karayiannis||I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this song before. Oh, yeah, that’s right it sounds like all the other boring songs I’ve had to listen to tonight! Possibly even more boring than the Norwegian duo. 0 points.|
|Slovenia||Maraaya||Now we’re talking: Virtual interpretive dance LED violin. But I suspect the lead singer is having a seizure on stage. 2 points for virtual LED violin.|
|Poland||Monika Kuszyńska||Perhaps you remember Poland’s 2014 ESC performance? Well, this is nothing like that. No one will remember their 2015 performance. Or perhaps they will because the back up singers are unable to hit a single note? This is a total disaster. -4 points for making me bleed out of my ears.|
|France||Lisa Angell||One thing is for sure. France should be happy they are spending as much money as they do on the EBU, or they would have not reached the grand-final. And of course they are performing their song in French. 1 points since the middle aged woman on stage could actually sing.|
|United Kingdom||Electro Velvet||Well, here’s a bunch of artists who obviously don’t give a single fuck. Dance song with a 30s vibe, and a touch of cyberpunk with an on-stage LED overdose. And scatting!? The song thoroughly sucks, but here are 3 points for the show.|
|Australia||Guy Sebastian||Welcome to ESC, Australia! Nice of you to send a guy that could sing. A relatively generic pop song with a little saxophone. The animation on the big screen makes me a bit car sick. I’m not sure about the rules, but if this is what we can expect from Australia, let’s welcome them back every year. 3 points for a relatively catchy song and a successful debut and 1 point for the massive thighs of the female backup singer/dancer. 4 points in total.|
|Austria||The Makemakes||Austria has obviously decided that long hair and beard is the winning recipe for the ESC. So this year, they decided to send three guys. 2 points to the singer for keeping his calm when his grand piano caught on fire. This makes me believe that he actually didn’t play the piano in the beginning of the song! -3 points for cheating. A total of -1 point for Austria.|
|Germany||Ann Sophie||In this year’s cleavage competition, I think Germany takes home an honorable third place. In the ESC, however, I doubt that they will do that good when the results are in. Not sure what this song actually brings to the competition since I’ve already forgotten what it sounded like. 1 point for sex appeal.|
|Spain||Edurne||This sounds like something I’ve heard before. Euphoria? Oh, my. There was a guy behind her who ripped of her dress. Security is really bad in Austria tonight. Luckily, she had another dress under the one that got ripped off. The crowd seems to enjoy it. 1 point for on-stage costume change, 1 point for the wind machine. 2 points in total.|
|Italy||Il Volo||Italy has the honor of being the last performer in the grand final. To be honest, I’m glad it’s over. There was not enough show, effects and glamor this year. The Italian performance is probably not too bad, there are three guys on stage that can sing, but I feel that I’m more interested in sleep than the song, so it can’t be that good. 2 points for ending this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. Good night!|
Since the voting hasn’t finished when I publish this, I have no idea who won. But the winner will eventually be announced on the Eurovision.tv site.
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