February One-liners

It’s been a while, but here are a few additions to the one-liners collection:

  • “A dyslexic man walks into a bra.” - George Carlin
  • “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t snort, and I don’t gamble. I do lie a little bit though.” - Tim Maia
  • “I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV.” - David Recksiek
  • “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” - Demetri Martin
  • “My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.” - Shmuel Breban
  • “If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.” - Rodney Dangerfield
  • “Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.” - Milton Jones
  • “I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.” - Shmuel Breban
  • “I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.” - Stewart Francis
  • “People laughed when I said I’d become a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.” - Bob Monkhouse
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  • If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  • You can’t have everything; where would you put it?


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