July One-liners

New one-liners for July 2020

It’s the 1st of July, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing one-liners collection. This month, we’re adding some excellent dad jokes. Yes, I’m a dad, sorry about that.

  • If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
  • I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person.
  • A cheese factory exploded in France. The brie is everywhere.
  • I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
  • Can February March? No, but April May.
  • I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
  • I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
  • Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions.
  • This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
  • I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
  • My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  • I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
  • Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
  • I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
  • Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
  • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!


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