Spring has really started to beak through winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere. Let’s celebrate with some of new funny one-liners.

  • “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” — Kurt Vonnegut
  • “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.” — Mark Twain
  • “I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.” — Ray Bradbury
  • “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
  • Your secrets are safe with me, because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening.
  • I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
  • Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
  • I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate.
  • The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
  • Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
  • It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
  • The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.