It’s August, time to learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use when you return to work after a great summer holiday. Or, learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use to impress your friends during your summer holiday. It all depends on where you live in the world.

  • I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
  • The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
  • Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an iPad.
  • You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
  • You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
  • “Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.” — Martin Mull
  • The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
  • Those who live closest arrive latest.
  • “Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.” — Richard Lewis
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
  • No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”
  • I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
  • My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  • Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.
  • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.