It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection.

  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
  • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
  • People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
  • Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
  • Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
  • Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
  • Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
  • My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
  • Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
  • My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
  • To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.