A new year is upon us! I hope you had a great 2018, and that 2019 will be even better. In any case, here are few new funny one-liners that have been added to the collection.

  • Spend some time staring at the stars. It feeds the soul and revives the mind.
  • “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain
  • “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain
  • Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
  • How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  • I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
  • Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
  • The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.