A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

  • I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
  • Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
  • Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish.
  • Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
  • If money can’t buy you happiness why do they sell Happy Meals?
  • The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
  • I have all the money I’ll ever need - if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
  • This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
  • Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.