It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

  • Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
  • “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” — Mark Twain
  • I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
  • “Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” — Mark Twain
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” — Mark Twain
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.