It’s the first of November, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

There are quite a few Mark Twain quotes this time because I follow the Mark Twain account on Twitter. A lot of what whoever is running the account tweets, turns out to be actual Mark Twain quotes.

  • Time is the rarest commodity. Manage yours wisely.
  • A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
  • “Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.” — Aisling Bea
  • Don’t have anything nice to say? Try obscene gestures.
  • “To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.” — Eddy Elfenbein
  • Time flies when you throw away calendars.
  • “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” — Mark Twain
  • “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” — Mark Twain
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” — Mark Twain
  • “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” — Mark Twain
  • “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” — Mark Twain
  • “We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
  • “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” — Mark Twain
  • “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” — Mark Twain
  • “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” — Mark Twain