It’s the first of October, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb
  • “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.” — Dilbert
  • Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • Life is what happens outside your smartphone.
  • If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small breasts.
  • An architect’s dream is an engineer’s nightmare.
  • Bad choices often turn into good stories.
  • Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.
  • Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality.
  • My life is a constant shift between trying to fall asleep and trying to wake up.
  • Whatever you do always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  • “People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.” — Alan Moore
  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • “In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.” — George Best