September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of more than 1,700 funny one-liners.

  • “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” — Mark Twain
  • I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
  • Judge me by the people I avoid.
  • Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.
  • The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.
  • If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
  • I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
  • “I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
  • I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
  • They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
  • I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
  • Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  • My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
  • You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
  • There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
  • Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright