September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of almost two thousand funny one-liners.

  • The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
  • “The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident.” — Francesco Guicciardini
  • “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” — Mason Cooley
  • “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton
  • Youโ€™re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
  • I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
  • “You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.” — Flip Wilson
  • “There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.” — Mark Twain
  • Trouble shared is trouble halved.
  • Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
  • “Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.” — Dalai Lama
  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I’m afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright
  • “True friends stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be free is nothing, to become free is everything.” — Hegel
  • “Liberty is about our rights to question everything.” — Ai WeiWei
  • “The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.” — George Orwell
  • “To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats.” — Henry Spencer