I’m sorry about the lack of updates the last couple of days, my excuses are few, but good. Thursday: Nothing happened, nothing to write about. Friday: Nothing happened, nothing to write about. Saturday: Well, Saturday had only lasted about one minute when I started writing this, so nothing had actually happened yet. And technically, that things I am about to write about happened on Friday, and I’m not sure if I really should write this at all, but I seriously need a way to get it out of my system. I doubt that it will be completely gone by the time I’m finished writing, but it might help. And to be completely accurate, I think that the events leading up to me writing this has been going on for a while.
To make a story that could have been rather long short instead. I think Stine is dating some guy. Of course, this shouldn’t have any effect on my system at all, since I was the one breaking up with her and blahblahblah. Shaddup. A semi-good self-analysis follows:
Why, in the first place, do I think she is seeing someone? Let me follow you through my path of reason: I’m back in Trondheim this weekend to move all my stuff to Notodden and hopefully to Oslo if I’m lucky enough to get a job and an apartment there. Since I was going back up to Trondheim, it would’ve been nice to see Stine again, since I obviously like the girl. A few SMS messages back and forth made me a little suspicious. I’m not gonna go into details about those messages, but I dated the girl for a year, and I know her well enough to sense that there is something she is not telling me. Anyhow, my father is driving the car all the way to Trondheim to help me get my stuff back home and since it’s a long ride, he wants to go back south as early as possible, meaning that I don’t have the time to meet Stine after all. So I sent her an SMS message on the way here to ask her if she was available tonight (that’s Friday night) instead. No, she wasn’t because “I’m not home tonight”. She has always told me where she is when she is not at home. Suspicion rises to Level II. I send her an answer back, telling her that I couldn’t meet her because I’m going back to Oslo earlier than planned. She calls me up. It turns out she is in fucking Orkanger. What’s she doing there? (Yeah, I had to ask). She is visiting someone. I didn’t ask who. She always told the name of the person she is visiting. Suspicion rises to Level III. I tell her that I’m getting curious. She says it’s nothing to be curious about that. She never said that unless it’s something she didn’t want to tell me (a fact that was pretty damn annoying when we were dating, because after an hour or two, she would tell me anyway). And we’re entering Level IV.
Well, this sucks bad. Why? Read on.
Does this mean that I’m still in love with Stine, nearly eight months after I broke up with her. For the second time, I might add. I don’t think so. At least I don’t hope so, but the thing in my stomach the size of a basketball might tell me differently. Or it might just be the panic. It might be that I, deep inside my messed up mind, have been thinking of Stine as a some last resort if no other relationships work out in the future. “:Stine will always be there, she is waiting, no problems. Hell, she at some point when we’d broken up, confessed that she was on the verge of saying the Three Magic Words in the days that I dumped her. She’ll always come back as soon as I snap my fingers”. Of course I haven’t actually made that thought up in my mind intentionally, but it might have been latent in the back of my head. And now she is slipping away and I’m panicking. After all, she is a great girl, I mean every word of the description in the cast, but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I know that a few of the reasons that made the chemistry rotten have changed to the better since January, they might not be good reasons anymore, and it might be that the back of my head is making another thought: “If you had just been hanging in there for a couple of more months, you could have been with a great girl now. What the fuck were you thinking, man?! And now she is slipping!”
The thoughts, the thoughts! I need an OFF button that’s not a hard blow to the head.
So this is what’s gonna happen: My father is going back south some time early in the afternoon. I’m staying in Trondheim, taking a bus back to Oslo on Sunday morning, or possibly Saturday night, a trip that will cost me about $30 bucks that I don’t have after having paid a mountain of bills this month. But I really need to know what the fuck is going on! And I hate the fact that I need to know so badly. What I should do is to let it slide. But I can’t. This might turn out to be one of the most shitty weekends I’ve had this year.
God damn this!
What if I’m right and she is seeing someone? Why can’t I just be happy for her? Stop asking thought-through questions and go away.
|2003-07-26 00:46 CET|