June One-liners.

A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new one-liners. These newcomers to the one-liners collection are mostly lifted from random accounts on Twitter spotted via @FunnyOneLiners.

  • Let he without typos, cast the first store.
  • One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
  • Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
  • Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
  • The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
  • “Always make new mistakes.” — Ester Dyson
  • “If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
  • Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
  • “When in doubt tell the truth.” — Mark Twain
  • The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
  • If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
  • The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother” would only last one episode, entitled “The Wedding”.
  • I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
  • “Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?” — Sophia Benoit
  • “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.” — Mark Twain

May One-liners.

It’s the first of May, which marks both Labor Day, and the addition of a couple of new one-liners to the collection.

  • Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.
  • The lack of money is the root of all evil.
  • I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
  • The Public is merely a multiplied “me.”
  • A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
  • Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
  • Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  • Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
  • Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
  • Dark humor is like love — not everyone gets it.
  • How long is a Chinese name.
  • He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles away from the next exit.
  • I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
  • Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
  • The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

April One-liners.

Spring has really started to beak through winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere. Let’s celebrate with some of those one-liners that will make you go “hmmmmm…”

  • “Be the change you want to see in the world.” — Mahatma Gandhi
  • “An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.” — Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Failure is success if we learn from it.” — Malcolm Forbes
  • “Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.” — Bernard Baruch
  • “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” — Anais Nin
  • “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” — Robin Williams
  • “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” — Don Marquis
  • “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” — Babe Ruth
  • “Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” — Charles Swindoll
  • “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” — Aristotle
  • “Teach thy tongue to say, “I do not know,” and thous shalt progress.” — Maimonides
  • “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” — Dalai Lama
  • “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” — Martin Luther King Jr.
  • “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” — Norman Vincent Peale

March One-liners.

It’s March 1, and time for some new one-liners. This time, it’s a nice mix of one-liners that should make you think and laugh.

  • “Of those who say nothing, few are silent.” — Thomas Neil
  • “A wise man talks because he has something to say; a fool talks because he has to say something.” — Plato
  • “Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.” — Nikita Khrushchev
  • “I’d rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong.” — John Maynard Keynes
  • Be a voice, not an echo.
  • “A problem well stated is a problem half solved.” — Charles Kettering
  • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
  • The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “this changes everything”.
  • I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  • Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  • “My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.” — Fin Taylor
  • I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  • Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
  • Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

February One-liners.

A new month means a couple of new one-liners added to the collection. Here are the new additions for February:

  • The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
  • “I find that people who believe we might be living in a computer simulation tend to be people who I could imagine being simulated most easily by a computer.” — Joi Ito
  • If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don’t understand it.
  • When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
  • “There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.” — Mark Twain
  • “The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.” — Mark Twain
  • “Um.” — First horse that got ridden
  • A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
  • Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • “An escalator cannot break, it can only become stairs.” — Mitch Hedberg
  • “Race is just a pigment of the imagination.” — Glen Highland
  • “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.” – Bill Murray
  • “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.” — Stephen K. Amos
  • “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” — Alfie Moore
  • “How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” — Steve Bugeja
  • “People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” — Kai Humphries
  • “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” — Woody Allen