December One-liners: Programming Special!

Here are the new one-liners for December. This time it’s programming special, with a few sprinkles of less nerdy wisdom. Most of the quotes below are collected from the Twitter account Programming Wisdom. They’re not exactly haha-funny, but if you’re a programmer they should make you think. Enjoy!

  • “It’s all talk until the code runs.” – Ward Cunningham
  • “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.” – Jan L.A van de Snepscheut
  • I’ve got an idea for a really scary Halloween costume. How do I dress up as “The World Right Now”?
  • “What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months.” – Fred Brooks
  • “Good software, like good wine, takes time.” – Joel Spolsky
  • “Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.” – Filipe Fortes
  • Trying again to persuade my wife to participate in a twosome.
  • “We build our computer systems the way we build our cities: over time, without a plan, on top of ruins.” – Ellen Ullman
  • “Think about it; and think about it carefully. Nothing happens in our society without software. Nothing.” – Robert “Uncle Bob Martin
  • “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
  • “A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.” – Alan J. Perlis
  • “Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.” – Harold Abelson & Gerald Jay Sussman
  • “Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size.” – Chris Wenham
  • “One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.” – Oscar Godson
  • The trick to really enjoying someone’s company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
  • “The strength of JavaScript is that you can do anything. The weakness is that you will.” – Reg Braithwaite
  • “The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else.” – Melinda Varian
  • “A primary cause of complexity is that software vendors uncritically adopt almost any feature that users want.”- Niklaus Wirth
  • “Every great developer you know got there by solving problems they were unqualified to solve until they actually did it.” – Patrick McKenzie
  • Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
  • “The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better.” – Eric Raymond
  • “Looking at code you wrote more than two weeks ago is like looking at code you are seeing for the first time.”– Dan Hurvitz
  • Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.

November One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for November:

  • I’ve found that people tend to leave you alone after they’ve seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
  • My kids get along great when they’re sleeping.
  • Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
  • Call me a hoarder all you want, but there’s over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.
  • Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don’t want to do and it’ll speed right up.
  • The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
  • Posting opinions on the internet is like fishing for people to tell you how wrong you are.
  • I’m tired of people assuming I’ve got a good personality because I’m ugly.
  • Why are stupid people so confident?
  • I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook.
  • A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.
  • Only fossils should have their minds set in stone.
  • For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
  • Sure it sounds bad when you phrase it exactly the way it happened.
  • The problem with teaching children to think for themselves is they might come to disagree with us.

October One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for October:

  • In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
  • I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  • Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
  • My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
  • Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
  • Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
  • I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
  • None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
  • Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  • Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
  • Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
  • Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
  • “This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!” – Inventor of Pringles
  • If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
  • I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.

September One-liners.

It’s been a while now, but here are some new one-liners for September:

  • I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
  • Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
  • I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
  • I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
  • I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
  • Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
  • The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
  • Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
  • I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
  • Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
  • I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
  • 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
  • So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

May One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for May:

  • I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
  • Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
  • I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
  • A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
  • Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
  • I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
  • Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
  • Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
  • I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
  • If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
  • Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
  • I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
  • Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
  • I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
  • My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
  • I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
  • I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  • I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
  • I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
  • We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
  • Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.