October One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for October:

  • In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
  • I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  • Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
  • My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
  • Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
  • Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
  • I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
  • None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
  • Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  • Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
  • Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
  • Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
  • “This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!” – Inventor of Pringles
  • If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
  • I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.

September One-liners.

It’s been a while now, but here are some new one-liners for September:

  • I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
  • Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
  • I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
  • I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
  • I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
  • Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
  • The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
  • Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
  • I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
  • Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
  • I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
  • 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
  • So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

May One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for May:

  • I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
  • Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
  • I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
  • A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
  • Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
  • I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
  • Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
  • Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
  • I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
  • If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
  • Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
  • I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
  • Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
  • I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
  • My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
  • I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
  • I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  • I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
  • I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
  • We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
  • Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.

February One-liners.

January came and went without any new one-liners. But here’s a short and early February update:

  • Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn’t mean she’s not the girl for you.
  • Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
  • The best secrets are the ones you’re let in on.
  • Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
  • What’s the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
  • I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
  • I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
  • No matter how tough you think you are, there’s always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
  • The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
  • I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
  • I don’t make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
  • Don’t worry about tomorrow’s problems, handle today’s first.
  • Don’t get burned twice on the same flame.
  • I’m not asocial, I just don’t want to associate with idiots.

Christmas Bonus: August Strindberg One-liners.

Is Christmas getting you a bit too jolly? Then these nifty (and probably fake) August Strindberg one-liners might be what you need to get back to your normal, apathetic and semi-depressed self.

August Strindberg was a Swedish playwright, novelist, poet, essayist and painter. Born in 1849, Strindberg passed away in the Spring of 1912, leaving behind an impressive legacy of over 60 plays and more than 30 works of fiction, autobiography, history, cultural analysis, and politics. Strindberg might be a big name in Sweden, and perhaps I would have known about him if I had any interest in modernism.

But I’m a simple man. August Strindberg was a total unknown for me until I accidentally stumbled across his Twitter account. That a guy who’s been dead for over 100 years has a Twitter account, might be a bit weird. But it’s not uncommon. Albert Einstein, for instance, is at it, despite the fact that he passed away in 1955. He’s also somehow managed to get his Twitter account verified from beyond the grave. Quite impressive, but Einstein did dabble in time travel, after all.

These are all my English translations of the some of the many Swedish tweets from fake Strindberg’s account. It’s not possible for me to tell which are actual August Strindberg quotes, and which are made up by whoever is maintaining the account. Because of that, I’ve decided not to attribute them to the author, since some (or all) are not quotes by the real August Strindberg. We wouldn’t want to spread lies and misinformation on the internet, would we? Of course not.

But enough chit-chat, here’s a couple of (fake) “August Strindberg” one-liners:

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