May One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for May:

  • I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
  • Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
  • I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
  • A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
  • Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
  • I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
  • Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
  • Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
  • I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
  • If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
  • Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
  • I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
  • Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
  • I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
  • My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
  • I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
  • I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  • I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
  • I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
  • We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
  • Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.

February One-liners.

January came and went without any new one-liners. But here’s a short and early February update:

  • Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn’t mean she’s not the girl for you.
  • Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
  • The best secrets are the ones you’re let in on.
  • Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
  • What’s the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
  • I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
  • I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
  • No matter how tough you think you are, there’s always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
  • The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
  • I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
  • I don’t make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
  • Don’t worry about tomorrow’s problems, handle today’s first.
  • Don’t get burned twice on the same flame.
  • I’m not asocial, I just don’t want to associate with idiots.

Christmas Bonus: August Strindberg One-liners.

Is Christmas getting you a bit too jolly? Then these nifty (and probably fake) August Strindberg one-liners might be what you need to get back to your normal, apathetic and semi-depressed self.

August Strindberg was a Swedish playwright, novelist, poet, essayist and painter. Born in 1849, Strindberg passed away in the Spring of 1912, leaving behind an impressive legacy of over 60 plays and more than 30 works of fiction, autobiography, history, cultural analysis, and politics. Strindberg might be a big name in Sweden, and perhaps I would have known about him if I had any interest in modernism.

But I’m a simple man. August Strindberg was a total unknown for me until I accidentally stumbled across his Twitter account. That a guy who’s been dead for over 100 years has a Twitter account, might be a bit weird. But it’s not uncommon. Albert Einstein, for instance, is at it, despite the fact that he passed away in 1955. He’s also somehow managed to get his Twitter account verified from beyond the grave. Quite impressive, but Einstein did dabble in time travel, after all.

These are all my English translations of the some of the many Swedish tweets from fake Strindberg’s account. It’s not possible for me to tell which are actual August Strindberg quotes, and which are made up by whoever is maintaining the account. Because of that, I’ve decided not to attribute them to the author, since some (or all) are not quotes by the real August Strindberg. We wouldn’t want to spread lies and misinformation on the internet, would we? Of course not.

But enough chit-chat, here’s a couple of (fake) “August Strindberg” one-liners:

Continue reading "Christmas Bonus: August Strindberg One-liners."

December One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I’m sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
  • “I finally found my dream woman. She’s very hot, and nobody else can see her.” — Ray Bryant
  • “I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.” — Mark Campbell
  • “I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.” — Donna McCoy
  • Marriage should come with a stenographer.
  • Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
  • When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
  • If the bathroom isn’t flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
  • The reward for a job well done is more work.
  • If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  • What’s worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  • If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

November One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
  • I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
  • “Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway.” — Harry Enten
  • My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
  • My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
  • I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
  • The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
  • Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
  • I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
  • I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  • There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
  • “I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.” — Nick Ross
  • I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
  • The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
  • I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
  • “I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.” — Kent Graham
  • If you love someone, never talk about politics.
  • Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
  • “I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy.” — Jacob Swift