New one-liners for September 2016.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
  • It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
  • A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
  • Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
  • I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
  • “When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it’s basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human.” — Amie Stepanovich
  • Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
  • The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
  • The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
  • When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
  • Let’s not talk about my mistakes, let’s focus on yours.
  • My wife is fluent in furious.

August One-Liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
  • “The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making.” — E. W. Dijkstra
  • Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
  • I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
  • I don’t appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I’m imperfect.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  • The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
  • I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
  • I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  • Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
  • I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
  • My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
  • Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  • When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they’re not it.

July One-Liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
  • Don’t underestimate my overreaction.
  • Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
  • Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
  • What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
  • Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
  • I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
  • My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her grandmother’s bedroom with a wolf.
  • I put the deter in determination.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
  • I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
  • Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.
  • 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
  • 90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
  • Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn’t the definition of insanity it’s the definition of parenting.

Bonus One-Liners: Muhammad Ali.

Not only was the late, great Cassius Clay, better known as Muhammad Ali, quick with his fists, he was also a master of wits. Given the stereotypical view most of us have of boxers as mentally quite slow1 – there are some well-known boxers who live up to that stereotype remarkably well – it’s impressive that he managed to come up with some of these quotes himself. There is, of course, no way for you who are reading this to be absolutely sure that he actually did. But I found the one-liners filed under “Muhammad Ali” on the internet, and if it says so on the internet, it’s true.

Here are a few of Muhammad Ali’s most memorable one-liners, all of them added to the ever-growing collection.

  • The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
  • He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.
  • To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.
  • What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming.
  • Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right.
  • The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life
  • Don’t count the days, make the days count.
  • Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
  • Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.
  • It isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you down. It’s the pebble in your shoe.
  • The will must be stronger than the skill.
  • If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.
  • Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.
  • Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.
  • If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
  • I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but if I have changed even one life for the better, I haven’t lived in vain.
  • It’s not bragging if you can back it up.
  • It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.
  • It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.

June One-Liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I’m a really good listener, as long as we’re talking about me.
  • Mondays are awesome. It’s just your job that sucks.
  • I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
  • I’d love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter, but I’m not that good at emojis.
  • No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
  • I don’t need fun to have alcohol.
  • My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
  • No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
  • The most important life skill I have learned is when to stop asking questions.
  • 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
  • My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
  • If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore.
  • Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage, and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.