February One-liners.

A new month means a couple of new one-liners added to the collection. Here are the new additions for February:

  • The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
  • “I find that people who believe we might be living in a computer simulation tend to be people who I could imagine being simulated most easily by a computer.” — Joi Ito
  • If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don’t understand it.
  • When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
  • “There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.” — Mark Twain
  • “The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.” — Mark Twain
  • “Um.” — First horse that got ridden
  • A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
  • Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • “An escalator cannot break, it can only become stairs.” — Mitch Hedberg
  • “Race is just a pigment of the imagination.” — Glen Highland
  • “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.” – Bill Murray
  • “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.” — Stephen K. Amos
  • “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” — Alfie Moore
  • “How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” — Steve Bugeja
  • “People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” — Kai Humphries
  • “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” — Woody Allen

January One-liners.

The new year is here! Let’s celebrate by adding some brand new one-liners to the ever-growing collection. This month, it’s a mixed bag of one-liners, with a little programming wisdom that has overflowed1 from December’s Programming Special.

  • When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
  • “Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” – Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
  • The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
  • “A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.” – Doug Linder
  • All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
  • I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
  • What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
  • My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
  • I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
  • Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
  • It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
  • Don’t be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
  • She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • The most dangerous part of a motorcycle is the nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
  • We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
  • Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

December One-liners: Programming Special!

Here are the new one-liners for December. This time it’s programming special, with a few sprinkles of less nerdy wisdom. Most of the quotes below are collected from the Twitter account Programming Wisdom. They’re not exactly haha-funny, but if you’re a programmer they should make you think. Enjoy!

  • “It’s all talk until the code runs.” – Ward Cunningham
  • “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.” – Jan L.A van de Snepscheut
  • I’ve got an idea for a really scary Halloween costume. How do I dress up as “The World Right Now”?
  • “What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months.” – Fred Brooks
  • “Good software, like good wine, takes time.” – Joel Spolsky
  • “Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.” – Filipe Fortes
  • Trying again to persuade my wife to participate in a twosome.
  • “We build our computer systems the way we build our cities: over time, without a plan, on top of ruins.” – Ellen Ullman
  • “Think about it; and think about it carefully. Nothing happens in our society without software. Nothing.” – Robert “Uncle Bob Martin
  • “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
  • “A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.” – Alan J. Perlis
  • “Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.” – Harold Abelson & Gerald Jay Sussman
  • “Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size.” – Chris Wenham
  • “One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.” – Oscar Godson
  • The trick to really enjoying someone’s company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
  • “The strength of JavaScript is that you can do anything. The weakness is that you will.” – Reg Braithwaite
  • “The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else.” – Melinda Varian
  • “A primary cause of complexity is that software vendors uncritically adopt almost any feature that users want.”- Niklaus Wirth
  • “Every great developer you know got there by solving problems they were unqualified to solve until they actually did it.” – Patrick McKenzie
  • Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
  • “The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better.” – Eric Raymond
  • “Looking at code you wrote more than two weeks ago is like looking at code you are seeing for the first time.”– Dan Hurvitz
  • Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.

November One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for November:

  • I’ve found that people tend to leave you alone after they’ve seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
  • My kids get along great when they’re sleeping.
  • Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
  • Call me a hoarder all you want, but there’s over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.
  • Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don’t want to do and it’ll speed right up.
  • The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
  • Posting opinions on the internet is like fishing for people to tell you how wrong you are.
  • I’m tired of people assuming I’ve got a good personality because I’m ugly.
  • Why are stupid people so confident?
  • I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook.
  • A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.
  • Only fossils should have their minds set in stone.
  • For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
  • Sure it sounds bad when you phrase it exactly the way it happened.
  • The problem with teaching children to think for themselves is they might come to disagree with us.

October One-liners.

Here are the new one-liners for October:

  • In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
  • I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  • Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
  • My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
  • Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
  • Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
  • I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
  • None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
  • Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  • Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
  • Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
  • Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
  • “This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!” – Inventor of Pringles
  • If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
  • I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.