December One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I’m sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
  • “I finally found my dream woman. She’s very hot, and nobody else can see her.” — Ray Bryant
  • “I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.” — Mark Campbell
  • “I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.” — Donna McCoy
  • Marriage should come with a stenographer.
  • Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
  • When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
  • If the bathroom isn’t flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
  • The reward for a job well done is more work.
  • If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  • What’s worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  • If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

November One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
  • I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
  • “Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway.” — Harry Enten
  • My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
  • My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
  • I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
  • The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
  • Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
  • I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
  • I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  • There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
  • “I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.” — Nick Ross
  • I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
  • The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
  • I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
  • “I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.” — Kent Graham
  • If you love someone, never talk about politics.
  • Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
  • “I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy.” — Jacob Swift

September One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
  • It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
  • A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
  • Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
  • I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
  • “When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it’s basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human.” — Amie Stepanovich
  • Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
  • The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
  • The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
  • When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
  • Let’s not talk about my mistakes, let’s focus on yours.
  • My wife is fluent in furious.

August One-Liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
  • “The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making.” — E. W. Dijkstra
  • Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
  • I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
  • I don’t appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I’m imperfect.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  • You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  • The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
  • I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
  • I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  • Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
  • I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
  • My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
  • Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  • When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they’re not it.

July One-Liners.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
  • Don’t underestimate my overreaction.
  • Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
  • Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
  • What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
  • Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
  • I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
  • My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her grandmother’s bedroom with a wolf.
  • I put the deter in determination.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
  • I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
  • Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.
  • 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
  • 90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
  • Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn’t the definition of insanity it’s the definition of parenting.