66 Results for "one-liners"


February One-liners.

Here are a few new one-liners for the collection.

  • Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
  • “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.” — Jimi Hendrix
  • He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
  • If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
  • Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
  • “He, who doesn’t hope to win has already lost.” — Simon Bolivar
  • “The older I get, the smarter my Dad gets.” — Mark Twain
  • If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
  • “When the well’s dry, we know the worth of water.” — Ben Franklin
  • The road to a friends house is never long.
  • The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
  • Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
  • Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  • Don’t judge a book by its movie.
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Autumn One-liners.

Here are a few additions to the one-liners collection:

  • “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen
  • “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe
  • “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
  • “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson
  • “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost
  • “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand
  • “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan
  • “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” – Dennis Miller
  • I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  • “I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  • “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth
  • “A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” – Bill Vaughan
  • “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones
  • They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
  • “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams
  • “At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
  • If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

August One-Liners.

I’ve added a few new one-liners to The Collection. I’ve also removed a few duplicates, not that easy to keep track of everything now that the collection is over 1100 one-liners.

  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • “There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.” — Warren Buffett
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  • “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.” — Seasick Steve
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  • If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  • I can handle pain until it hurts.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • “According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.” — Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  • I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

Summer One-Liners.

Here are 42 new one-liners that I’ve added to the collection:

  • “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” — Emo Philips
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Life’s a bitch, because if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” — Herm Albright
  • “Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” — Goethe
  • Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
  • There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
  • Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
  • “The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” — David Russell
  • Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  • There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  • Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  • Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  • “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.” — Groucho Marx
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
  • Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • “A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.” — Mae West
  • A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
  • Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
  • I bet you I could stop gambling.
  • “I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.” — Marshall McLuhan
  • “Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.” — Ken Ndaru
  • Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
  • The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
  • “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” — Jack Handy
  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  • “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” — Harry S. Truman
  • Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
  • “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” — Winston Churchill
  • “The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” — George Jessel
  • Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
  • “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” — Robin Williams
  • “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” — Christopher Marlowe

February One-liners, Part II.

For various reasons, it’s been a slow year so far in terms of writing for me. To make up for it, here’s one of the easiest and probably most entertaining entries I write: More one-liners:

  • Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  • Gravity always gets me down.
  • It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
  • “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” — Bill Cosby
  • “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton
  • “I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” — Warren Buffett
  • “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
  • “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” — Stephen Fry
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