It’s July, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing one-liner collection. This time, I’ve mainly consulted marvelous popular quotes collection provided by Goodreads.

  • Any joke is a one-liner if the notebook you write it in is wide enough.
  • When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?
  • A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once.
  • “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” — Mark Twain
  • “It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.” — Mark Twain
  • “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.” — Mark Twain
  • The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
  • “Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard M. Baruch
  • “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” — Robert Frost
  • “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard
  • “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” — André Gide
  • “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
  • “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” — Paul Terry
  • “Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx