July One-liners.

New additions to the one-liners collection:

  • “A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” — Rich Hall
  • “I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.” — Winston Churchill
  • Never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.
  • “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” — Confucius
  • “Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.” — E. Joseph Cossman
  • Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
  • “If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?” — Jim Gaffigan
  • “You might be a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.” — Jeff Foxworthy
  • “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.” — Jerry Seinfeld
  • “I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.” — João Baptista de Oliveira Figueiredo
  • “If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand.” — Jonathan Aitken
  • “Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.'” — Robert Byrne
  • “I like what mechanics wear… overall.” — Stewart Francis
  • “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart
  • “I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.” — Woody Allen
  • “Free advice is worth the price.” — Robert Half

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