A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new one-liners. These newcomers to the one-liners collection are mostly lifted from random accounts on Twitter spotted via @FunnyOneLiners.

  • Let he without typos, cast the first store.
  • One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
  • Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
  • Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
  • The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
  • “Always make new mistakes.” — Ester Dyson
  • “If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
  • Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
  • “When in doubt tell the truth.” — Mark Twain
  • The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
  • If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
  • The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother” would only last one episode, entitled “The Wedding”.
  • I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
  • “Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?” — Sophia Benoit
  • “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.” — Mark Twain