A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new funny one-liners. These are mostly lifted from the virtually bottomless pit of well-known Unix fortunes. Enjoy!

  • “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” — Groucho Marx
  • “Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent.” — Walt Kelly
  • “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles Schulz
  • “Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.” — Terry Pratchett
  • “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno
  • “I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner
  • “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” — Jack Benny
  • “Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.” — Will Rogers
  • Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
  • “The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.” — Thomas Jefferson
  • The world really isn’t any worse.Β  It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.
  • Don’t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
  • “Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.” — Woody Allen
  • He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another’s mishap.
  • “He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” — Lao Tsu
  • “He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” — Lao Tsu
  • If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.