Life and Death

Exercise. It’s fucking great. It helps cure anything. Feeling a little down? Is the whole world against you? Is your head spinning with thoughts? Are you tired and out worn out? Exercise! A quick thirty minutes jog does wonders. Wonders, I tell you!

A couple of days ago I woke up with a terrible headache and troubles seeing on my right eye. A very bad start on a brand new day. Fortunately, it passed pretty quick, but if not, I probably would’ve taken a cab down to the emergency ward to check it out. Maybe I had a lump in my brain that put pressure on the nerves connected to my right eye, thus causing a visual disorder? If so, a damn bad start on a brand new day. I don’t consider myself a hypochondriac, I don’t go to the doctor’s office unless I really have to - for instance, I once went around with a needle in my left foot for a month - but this time I seriously considered going to one.

This near-doctor-experience made me think about life and death for a moment. This entry is probably going downhill from here, so if you’re not in the mood for me rambling, I would’ve left at once. Consider yourself warned. That’s a phrase I’ve used a lot when writing on this site. “Consider yourself warned”. There probably is a good reason for that, I don’t know what exactly, but it probably is.

Anyway. Where were we? Oh, yeah, life and death. The only certain thing about life is just that - death. We’re all going to die at some point, and since I’m atheist (interesting article, I just started reading it) and all, I really don’t believe that there is anything waiting for us after this life. Therefore I’m trying to make the most of it, but it’s not always that easy. And I’m only 26 years old. Not a good age to die. If you go back a couple of million years, you were probably lucky if you got as far as 26, most of your friends were probably eaten by dinosaurs or trampled to death by mammoths by then, but in these modern times, getting to 26 is a no-brainer. If you can avoid yourself getting killed in a shoot out, car accident, from sexually transmitted diseases or a drug overdose and refrain from killing yourself - this could be a problem if you’re living in Japan, it seems - you’re pretty much home free. But if you made it to 26, congratulate yourself. Not everyone does. Or “do”. Or maybe it’s “does”. It doesn’t really matter, the main point is that you’re here right now.

So there I was, sitting in my bed, pretty confident that my head was about to explode, and I was thinking about what I’ve done so far in life and how I was feeling about it just then. I’ve not accomplished much. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got very good friends, a decent personal economy, a challenging job, I’m in pretty good health - with the obvious exception of my head at the time - but there are still a lot of things I’d like to do, and a lot of moments I’d like to share with other people. I guess The List is a pretty good place to start. I want to take a photograph I can proudly hang on the wall (#9). That’s a tad hard when you can’t see. Or when you’re dead. I would probably surprise everyone (#19) by dying in my bed, but it’s really not the kind of surprise I had in mind.

A common denominator for most of the stuff in The List is time. For instance, learning to play the guitar (#6) takes time. Seeing a full solar eclipse (#96) also takes time, they don’t exactly grow on trees. Some of the things in the The List are also dependent on others. For instance, I have to learn to play the guitar before I can release an album (#8), at least if I plan to release a good one. After the album is released, I can play live and stagedive (#18). Excellent plan. And of course, I want what all people do, I want to fall in love (#84), say “I love you” (#5) and sing Depeche Mode’s ‘Enjoy The Silence’ and really mean it (#98). If you know the words to that song, you know what I mean, if you don’t, look them up and sing them (at least the chorus, singing the rest of the song could be a bad thing) to the one you love. Or do like me, save them for the day you find someone to love. It’s a shame I wasn’t able to do any of those things with the ex-girlfriend, but, hey, shit happens. Once again, it’s all a question about time, and time is not something you have much of when there is a big lump in your brain.

It’s not a secret that I’ve been working a lot the last ten or so months. “Well, that’s not a problem”, you say, “you’re only 26, you’ve got a life time in front of you”. It’s not that easy, and if that’s still you attitude, I think you’ve missed the whole point of my ramblings. At any moment, you might just die. Think about it for a second. Maybe you want to do some changes in your life.

So, the question probably is “if I were to drop dead there in my bed at the age of 26, would I’ve died a happy man?”

To be honest, the answer is probably “no”. Something has to be done. I’m just no sure exactly what, but I guess it involves some changes. Figuring out exactly what kind of changes will probably take some - you guessed it - time. I’ll keep you posted.

And will I ever shut up? Nah. I doubt it. Unless I really do have a lump in my head.


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