RT @vegardskjefstad: March One-liners. They’re "haha"-funny. https://t.co/QdWIIzpxN1
Here are a few additions to the collection:
- I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
- Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
- Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
- Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs.
- Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
- A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
- I bet you I could stop gambling.
- Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
- It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
- Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- All the problems fade before a hangover.
- The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
- Cake: The answer, no matter the question.
- Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
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