May One-Liners

New one-liners for May 2016.

Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
  • Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
  • I just assume I do everything wrong since I don’t have a wife to confirm it.
  • I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
  • When it comes to a war of wills, I’m no match for the last cookie.
  • Learn from your mistakes. Make better and better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
  • Trust is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. You’ve gotta be 100% sure that she won’t tell your wife.
  • There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
  • If I took the time to be embarrassed by my mistakes I’d never get anything else done.
  • One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

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