New one-liners for May 2017.
Here are the new one-liners for May:
- I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
- Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
- I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
- A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
- Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
- I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
- Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
- Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
- I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
- If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
- Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
- I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
- Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
- I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
- My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
- I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
- I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
- I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
- I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
- We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
- Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.