A few more one-liners were added today:

  • Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.

  • “Never waste a lie when the truth will do.” - Jack Clancy

  • Trying is failing with honors.

  • Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

  • Send lawyers, guns and money!

  • Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably

    worth it.

  • No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

  • There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.

  • There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can’t.

  • 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

  • Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.

  • Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?

  • Optimist: Someone without much experience.

  • The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

  • “Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.” - Heinlein

  • The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

  • No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

  • Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.

  • Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.

  • Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Half the people you know are below average.

  • if we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

I’ve removed the quotation on some of the old one-liners because it has turned out I might have credited the wrong sources. Thanks to everyone who sent me e-mails with new one-liners and corrections.