My final wail
All right. Here I am, then, stuck in my apartment. The plan was to go to Notodden this weekend. There’s a huge blues festival there, but that’s not my reason to go. I don’t like blues. And during this festival the town gets crammed with drunk forty-years olds making a mess of everything. But it brings money to the city fund, so good for them. My reason for going is that there are a lot of people I know there right now. But I kept postponing the departure for various reasons and when I was finally ready to leave I wouldn’t have gotten there until close to midnight anyway, so I decided to wait until tomorrow morning to go. And now I’m sitting here, on the verge of getting bored again. I could of course visit someone, like Ola, who called and invited me over a few hours ago, but it’s been raining all evening and I don’t know any bus that go to Torshov from here, I don’t have money for a taxi, a rain coat, a car or anything else that’ll prevent me from getting soaking wet, so I guess leaving the apartment out of the question.
As you all know, me being bored leads to a rising activity in my head. Here comes yet another paragraph about Stine. This will be my last mentioning of the girl ever on this site. Of course, she’ll still be in the cast, but I won’t write anything about her ever again. If nothing out of the ordinary happens, that is. The reasons for this will come clear as you read on. If you’re sick and tired of hearing about my problems with Stine, and there is a good chance that you are since I’ve been rambling on about her for a week now, I suggest you skip the rest of this entry, except for the last paragraph. Consider yourself warned.
Earlier today I was dumb enough to send Stine an SMS. I know she was trying to get the last black stripe on her red Tea Kwon Doo-belt today and I was wondering how she did. She had of course done very well. Getting the reply SMS back from her was a tiny smack in the stomach. When I read her message, I see her in front of me, smiling her beautiful smile. I started to play with the if-questions in my head. What if this, and what if that. What if things had been done like this or that? Would we still be together? Would I be more in love with her than I could ever hope for? As we all know, this is not the way to do things. There is no need to ask all these questions, because things weren’t done in those ways. Time will hopefully show that my decisions were in fact the right ones, because they certainly felt like the right decisions when I took them. But right now, I’m thinking that they might not have been so right after all.
So to keep these questions where they should be - somewhere that’s not in my head, I’ve decided to simply no contact Stine any more. I’ve deleted her cellular and private number from my phone book. It’s an incredibly childish thing to do, I’m 25 years old and I can’t even behave like a grown up when it comes to things like this. But I’m afraid it’s necessary. Having my mind occupied with things like this is far from ideal, I haven’t been eating or sleeping very well the last week, and I need to get back on the track.
I know I said I my mind had settled yesterday. It had, and the path of reason I talked about yesterday still works, but it’s not enough. I need to get this out of my system. And it’s hopefully on it’s way out now.
If I’m like this when my ex-girlfriend who I broke up with twice finds herself a new boyfriend, I won’t even think about what I’m like when someone dumps me…
There has been a lot of complaining and whining in the last couple of entries. I’m sorry about that. I’ve decided to not post any entries until I’ve got something positive to tell you. So I guess I’ll see you in a couple of days. Or a month. Or tomorrow. You never know.