Here are a few new one-liners I’ve added to the collection:

  • My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
  • It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
  • A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
  • Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
  • I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
  • “When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it’s basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human.” — Amie Stepanovich
  • Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
  • The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
  • The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
  • When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
  • Let’s not talk about my mistakes, let’s focus on yours.
  • My wife is fluent in furious.