It’s long overdue, but here’s a few additions to the one-liners list.

• It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
• Monday is the root of all evil.
• Does the noise in my head bother you?
• It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
• Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
• Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
• “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” - Dave Dunseath
• Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
• Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
• Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
• If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
• To err is human, to arr is pirate.
• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
• Honk if you like peace and quiet.
• “Everybody has a plan, ‘till they get hit.” - Mike Tyson
• To err is hunam.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
• Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
• To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
• I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
• I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
• I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
• Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
• Whatever happens, ignore it all.
• Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.