It’s long overdue, but here’s a few additions to the one-liners list.

  • It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
  • Monday is the root of all evil.
  • Does the noise in my head bother you?
  • It’s better to be a well-known drunk that to be an anonymous alcoholic.
  • Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
  • Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
  • “If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.” - Dave Dunseath
  • Software is just like sex. One mistake and you end up giving lifetime support.
  • Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
  • Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
  • If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
  • To err is human, to arr is pirate.
  • “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
  • Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  • “Everybody has a plan, ‘till they get hit.” - Mike Tyson
  • To err is hunam.
  • If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  • Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
  • To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
  • I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
  • I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
  • I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
  • Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
  • Whatever happens, ignore it all.
  • Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.