It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • “To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.” — Leo Durocher
  • Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?
  • “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” — George Bernhard Shaw
  • If I can be of any help, you’re in worse shape than I thought.
  • I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
  • I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • “When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.” — Walter Lipman
  • If you do something you’ll regret in the morning, sleep till noon.
  • I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
  • Speaking your mind isn’t the same thing as using it.
  • “A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.” — Channing Pollock
  • “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen
  • “By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
  • It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
  • My ex-wife’s other car is a broom.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven’t met everybody.
  • “The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” — Robert Byrne
  • “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” — Terri Garey
  • People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.
  • How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?