One-liners

This is the complete listing of all the one-liners you see on the top bottom of the page. Do you know a good one-liner that’s not listed here? Please send it to me.

  1. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except when you’re at a funeral.
  2. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
  3. 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
  4. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
  5. 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
  6. 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
  7. 90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
  8. 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
  9. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
  10. A bad plan is better than no plan.
  11. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  12. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. — Bob Hope
  13. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  14. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  15. A beautiful relationship does not depend upon how good we understand someone but on how well we avoid misunderstandings.
  16. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  17. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  18. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
  19. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx
  20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. — Bill Vaughan
  21. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
  22. A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
  23. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips
  24. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  25. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  26. A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. — Woodrow Wilson
  27. A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
  28. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. — Ayn Rand
  29. A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde
  30. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  31. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
  32. A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it. — George W. Bush
  33. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost
  34. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  35. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
  36. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. — George Carlin
  37. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  38. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
  39. A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — Jim Morrison
  40. A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein
  41. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
  42. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
  43. A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. — Bruce Lee
  44. A good pun is its own reword.
  45. A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. — Lao Tzu
  46. A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
  47. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
  48. A harmful truth is better than a useful lie. — Thomas Mann
  49. A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. — Rich Hall
  50. A jug fills drop by drop. — Buddha
  51. A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. — Robert Frost
  52. A leader leads by example not by force. — Sun Tzu
  53. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
  54. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
  55. A lie told often enough becomes the truth. — Vladimir Lenin
  56. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. — George Bernhard Shaw
  57. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. — George Bernard Shaw
  58. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
  59. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
  60. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
  61. A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson
  62. A man of few words is usually married.
  63. A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
  64. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
  65. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
  66. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
  67. A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. — Albert Einstein
  68. A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  69. A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
  70. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. — Herm Albright
  71. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  72. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
  73. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
  74. A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.
  75. A sea of liquor can’t intoxicate me as much as a drop of you.
  76. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin
  77. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
  78. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  79. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
  80. A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. — Oscar Wilde
  81. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  82. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
  83. A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
  84. A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. — Bruce Lee
  85. A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire
  86. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. — Mae West
  87. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby
  88. A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. — Orson Welles
  89. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. — Herbert Hoover
  90. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember. — Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo
  91. According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
  92. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  93. Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. — Mary Pickford
  94. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
  95. Adult: One old enough to know better.
  96. Advertising is legalized lying. — H.G. Wells
  97. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
  98. Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
  99. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Mark Twain
  100. Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are. — Muhammad Ali
  101. Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage, and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
  102. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
  103. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  104. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
  105. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
  106. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
  107. All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
  108. All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
  109. All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
  110. All the problems fade before a hangover.
  111. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  112. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  113. All warfare is based on deception. — Sun Tzu
  114. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
  115. Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
  116. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  117. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. — W. C. Fields
  118. Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway
  119. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
  120. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  121. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  122. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
  123. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
  124. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does having no medical insurance.
  125. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
  126. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
  127. An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
  128. An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. — Albert Einstein
  129. An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. — Mohandas Gandhi
  130. An ideal form of government is Democracy tempered with assassination. — Voltaire
  131. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  132. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
  133. Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein
  134. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. — Red Skelton
  135. Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
  136. Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy. — Dwight Eisenhower
  137. Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
  138. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
  139. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
  140. Any woman can make mistakes, but only an idiot calls her out on them.
  141. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
  142. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
  143. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  144. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire
  145. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. — Mae West
  146. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  147. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
  148. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  149. Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
  150. Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
  151. Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
  152. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  153. As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  154. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  155. As our case is new, we must think anew. — Abraham Lincoln
  156. As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. — Goethe
  157. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
  158. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
  159. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. — Ann Landers
  160. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  161. Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
  162. Attitude determines your altitude.
  163. Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
  164. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
  165. Bad spellers of the world untie!
  166. Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
  167. Batteries not included.
  168. Be an optimist–at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy.
  169. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain
  170. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
  171. Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
  172. Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
  173. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. — Plato
  174. Be naughty – save santa the trip.
  175. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates
  176. Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll need them on your way down. — Wilson Mizner
  177. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  178. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  179. Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. — Benjamin Franklin
  180. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde
  181. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  182. Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
  183. Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
  184. Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
  185. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin
  186. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
  187. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  188. Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
  189. Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.
  190. Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
  191. Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus. — Ozzy Osbourne
  192. Best viewed on my computer.
  193. Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. — Confucius
  194. Better late than really late.
  195. Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. — Buddha
  196. Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. — William Shakespeare
  197. Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West
  198. Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. — Stanislaw Lec
  199. Biology grows on you.
  200. Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
  201. Boards don’t hit back. — Bruce Lee
  202. Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw
  203. Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up. — Muhammad Ali
  204. Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard
  205. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  206. By definition, as a Prime Minister I cannot be a liar. — Silvio Berlusconi
  207. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. — Confucius
  208. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. — Charles Wadsworth
  209. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost
  210. Cake: The answer, no matter the question.
  211. Call it what you will, incentives are what get people to work harder. — Nikia Khruschev
  212. Call me a hoarder all you want, but there’s over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.
  213. Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
  214. Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. — Vladimir Lenin
  215. Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
  216. Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
  217. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  218. Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
  219. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  220. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
  221. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
  222. Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life. — Confucius
  223. Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. — Henry Ford
  224. Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. — Spike Milligan
  225. Clones are people two.
  226. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain
  227. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
  228. Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. — Robin Williams
  229. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
  230. College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
  231. Come to the dark side – we have cookies.
  232. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. — Peter Ustinov
  233. Common sense is not so common. — Voltaire
  234. Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.
  235. Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient. — James Russel Lowell
  236. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso
  237. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
  238. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. — H. L. Mencken
  239. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  240. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  241. Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
  242. Could be worse… I could be Sting. — Ozzy Osbourne
  243. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
  244. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
  245. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon
  246. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain
  247. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. — Ken Ndaru
  248. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
  249. Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
  250. Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
  251. Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
  252. Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight. — Yogi Berra
  253. Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
  254. Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
  255. Dear Santa. I realize I have a lot of explaining to do…
  256. Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind. — Bruce Lee
  257. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
  258. Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs
  259. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  260. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  261. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. — Jim Rohn
  262. Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
  263. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  264. Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
  265. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  266. Does the noise in my head bother you?
  267. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
  268. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn’t the definition of insanity it’s the definition of parenting.
  269. Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
  270. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
  271. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  272. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
  273. Don’t believe everything you think.
  274. Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius
  275. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
  276. Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile. — Mae West
  277. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
  278. Don’t get burned twice on the same flame.
  279. Don’t judge a book by its movie.
  280. Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. — Mae West
  281. Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. — John Wooden
  282. Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
  283. Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
  284. Don’t mistake activity for achievement. — John Wooden
  285. Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
  286. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  287. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  288. Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
  289. Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
  290. Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. — Brandt Paul
  291. Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
  292. Don’t underestimate my overreaction.
  293. Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  294. Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
  295. Don’t worry about tomorrow\’s problems, handle today’s first.
  296. Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
  297. Don’t count the days, make the days count. — Muhammad Ali
  298. Don’t give your heart to someone who needs a brain.
  299. Don’t let your loneliness drive you into the wrong arms.
  300. Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
  301. Drive defensively – buy a tank.
  302. Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. — E. Joseph Cossman
  303. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
  304. Dyslexics have more fnu.
  305. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  306. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. — Benjamin Franklin
  307. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
  308. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
  309. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
  310. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
  311. Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
  312. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
  313. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
  314. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  315. Either you run the day or the day runs you. — Jim Rohn
  316. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
  317. Elevators smell different to midgets.
  318. Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. — Goethe
  319. Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
  320. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  321. Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs.
  322. Even a paranoid can have enemies. — Henry Kissinger
  323. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
  324. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. — Victor Hugo
  325. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  326. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
  327. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
  328. Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. — Voltaire
  329. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. — Stanislaw J. Lec
  330. Every solution breeds new problems.
  331. Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway. — Harry Enten
  332. Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson
  333. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. — Will Rogers
  334. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
  335. Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
  336. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  337. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
  338. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
  339. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
  340. Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
  341. Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield
  342. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy
  343. Everything in moderation, including moderation.
  344. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
  345. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
  346. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. — Carl Gustav Jung
  347. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright
  348. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
  349. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
  350. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
  351. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  352. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  353. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — Franklin P. Jones
  354. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde
  355. Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
  356. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
  357. Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
  358. Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
  359. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
  360. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford
  361. Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved. — Lao Tzu
  362. Failure teaches success.
  363. Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.
  364. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. — Jon Stewart
  365. Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. — Dale Carnegie
  366. Fear is the foundation of most governments. — John Adams
  367. Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. — Doug Larson
  368. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  369. Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
  370. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
  371. First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain
  372. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
  373. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. — Muhammad Ali
  374. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams
  375. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. — Cathy Guisewite
  376. For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
  377. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  378. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
  379. For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  380. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  381. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken
  382. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
  383. For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
  384. Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy
  385. Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.
  386. Free advice is worth the price. — Robert Half
  387. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. — Bob Marley
  388. Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
  389. Friendly fire – isn’t.
  390. Friends are nothing but a known enemy. — Kurt Cobain
  391. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  392. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones
  393. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
  394. Frog blast the vent core!
  395. Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
  396. Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
  397. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. — Mark Twain
  398. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
  399. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
  400. Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Mark Twain
  401. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
  402. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire
  403. God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
  404. God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
  405. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  406. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  407. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  408. Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
  409. Good night, friends and enemies! Don’t forget that tonight you’re closer to death than you were this morning.
  410. Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
  411. Governments never learn. Only people learn. — Milton Friedman
  412. Gravity always gets me down.
  413. Gravity always gets me down.
  414. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
  415. Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein
  416. Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
  417. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
  418. Half the people you know are below average.
  419. Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  420. Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. — Dalai Lama
  421. Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.
  422. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
  423. Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
  424. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen
  425. Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. — Salvador Dali
  426. He that can have patience can have what he will. — Benjamin Franklin
  427. He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. — Lao Tzu
  428. He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
  429. He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  430. He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. — Muhammad Ali
  431. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  432. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  433. He, who doesn’t hope to win has already lost. — Simon Bolivar
  434. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius
  435. Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something. — Thomas Alva Edison
  436. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  437. Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
  438. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  439. Hey, I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s!
  440. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
  441. History has shown there are no invincible armies. — Joseph Stalin
  442. History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  443. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
  444. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  445. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  446. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  447. How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. — Fred Brooks
  448. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  449. How is it possible to have a civil war?
  450. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  451. I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  452. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
  453. I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso
  454. I am an Environmentalist. … I am for clean air. — Ronald Reagan
  455. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W. C. Fields
  456. I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. — Socrates
  457. I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
  458. I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection. — Mark Campbell
  459. I am the captain of my soul. — Nelson Mandela
  460. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. — Stephen King
  461. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  462. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
  463. I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
  464. I bet you I could stop gambling.
  465. I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. — Warren Buffett
  466. I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
  467. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  468. I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde
  469. I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
  470. I can tell Spring is almost here because I\’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I\’d also like to plant some bulbs.
  471. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  472. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
  473. I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
  474. I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
  475. I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
  476. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
  477. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  478. I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. — Benjamin Franklin
  479. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  480. I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.
  481. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  482. I don’t appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I’m imperfect.
  483. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
  484. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  485. I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
  486. I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
  487. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. — Voltaire
  488. I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. — Bob Newheart
  489. I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln
  490. I don’t make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
  491. I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks
  492. I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
  493. I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say. — Marshall McLuhan
  494. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry
  495. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t snort, and I don’t gamble. I do lie a little bit though. — Tim Maia
  496. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  497. I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde
  498. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx
  499. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  500. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
  501. I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!
  502. I don’t like who I become when I have to get out of bed.
  503. I don’t need fun to have alcohol.
  504. I don’t use drugs. I am a drug.
  505. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. — Sam Kinison
  506. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  507. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  508. I drink to make other people interesting.
  509. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  510. I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
  511. I finally found my dream woman. She’s very hot, and nobody else can see her. — Ray Bryant
  512. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
  513. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. — Mae West
  514. I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien
  515. I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
  516. I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
  517. I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me. — Nick Ross
  518. I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
  519. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason
  520. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. — Ken Dodd
  521. I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. — James G. Bennet
  522. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. — Thomas Alva Edison
  523. I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it. — Groucho Marx
  524. I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter
  525. I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me. — Winston Churchill
  526. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  527. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  528. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
  529. I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx
  530. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright
  531. I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail. — João Baptista de Oliveira Figueiredo
  532. I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
  533. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
  534. I just assume I do everything wrong since I don’t have a wife to confirm it.
  535. I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
  536. I just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
  537. I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
  538. I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
  539. I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
  540. I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy
  541. I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein
  542. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. — Nelson Mandela
  543. I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
  544. I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
  545. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen
  546. I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
  547. I like what mechanics wear… overall. — Stewart Francis
  548. I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. — Robert E. Lee
  549. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  550. I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up. — Shmuel Breban
  551. I live in my own little world, but it’s OK, they know me here.
  552. I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford
  553. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams
  554. I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. — Voltaire
  555. I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook.
  556. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
  557. I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. — Thomas Alva Edison
  558. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W. C. Fields
  559. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. — W. C. Fields
  560. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx
  561. I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra
  562. I never should have switched from scotch to martinis. — Humphrey Bogart
  563. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
  564. I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
  565. I only drink to make other people more sociable.
  566. I prefer old age to the alternative.
  567. I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom. — Anatole France
  568. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
  569. I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
  570. I put the deter in determination.
  571. I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. — Stewart Francis
  572. I quote people to better express myself.
  573. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  574. I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
  575. I said I was good at making decisions. I didn’t say the decisions I made were good.
  576. I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
  577. I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”. — Jimmy Carr
  578. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
  579. I sink, therefore I swam.
  580. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. — Seasick Steve
  581. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
  582. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye
  583. I think it’s better to feel good than to look good. — Tom Hanks
  584. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. — Steven Wright
  585. I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
  586. I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
  587. I think, therefore I’m single.
  588. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  589. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
  590. I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
  591. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
  592. I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. — Woodrow Wilson
  593. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
  594. I used to be sober. Now I’m an author.
  595. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  596. I used to like whiskey. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been drunk. — Claude Williams
  597. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  598. I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife’s Bra. It was a booby trap.
  599. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen. — Robert Mugabe
  600. I want patience, and I want it now!
  601. I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
  602. I was only an aspiring dictator. I was never a real dictator. — Augusto Pinochet
  603. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
  604. I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead. — Woody Allen
  605. I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
  606. I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
  607. I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and never his prescription? — Finley Peter Dunne
  608. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
  609. I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
  610. I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
  611. I wouldn’t touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.
  612. I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
  613. I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
  614. I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
  615. I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. — Pablo Picasso
  616. I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. — Kurt Cobain
  617. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
  618. I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
  619. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. — Mae West
  620. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
  621. I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
  622. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield
  623. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  624. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  625. I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller
  626. I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.
  627. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
  628. I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV. — David Recksiek
  629. I’m not asocial, I just don’t want to associate with idiots.
  630. I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
  631. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
  632. I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
  633. I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you — Friedrich Nietzsche
  634. I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
  635. I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
  636. I’m sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
  637. I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
  638. I’m tired of people assuming I’ve got a good personality because I’m ugly.
  639. I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
  640. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
  641. I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
  642. I’ve been called worse things by better people. — Pierre Trudeau
  643. I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe
  644. I’ve found that people tend to leave you alone after they’ve seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
  645. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
  646. I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects. — Donna McCoy
  647. I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
  648. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
  649. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
  650. If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. — Mae West
  651. If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
  652. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  653. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  654. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
  655. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
  656. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  657. If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
  658. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  659. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
  660. If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
  661. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
  662. If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
  663. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  664. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  665. If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
  666. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
  667. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  668. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  669. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? — George Carlin
  670. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
  671. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  672. If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
  673. If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport. — George Winters
  674. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
  675. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  676. If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself. — Kris Kristofferson
  677. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
  678. If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer. — Mobutu Sese Seko
  679. If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
  680. If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  681. If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
  682. If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath
  683. If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
  684. If I took the time to be embarrassed by my mistakes I’d never get anything else done.
  685. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  686. If it can go wrong it probably already has.
  687. If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. — Rodney Dangerfield
  688. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  689. If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house? — Jim Gaffigan
  690. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  691. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  692. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
  693. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  694. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
  695. If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  696. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
  697. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
  698. If the bathroom isn’t flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
  699. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
  700. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
  701. If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. — Muhammad Ali
  702. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  703. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. — Laurence J. Peter
  704. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  705. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
  706. If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
  707. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
  708. If we don’t end war, war will end us. — H.G. Wells
  709. If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy
  710. If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
  711. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. — Robin Williams
  712. If you are going through hell, keep going. — Winston Churchill
  713. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
  714. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
  715. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. — Donald H. Rumsfeld
  716. If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. — Jim Rohn
  717. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  718. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
  719. If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
  720. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
  721. If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one. — Mother Teresa
  722. If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
  723. If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good. — Bill Gates
  724. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
  725. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  726. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  727. If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
  728. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. — Sam Levenson
  729. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
  730. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
  731. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  732. If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today. — Bruce Lee
  733. If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize. — Muhammad Ali
  734. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
  735. If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand. — Jonathan Aitken
  736. If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
  737. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  738. If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
  739. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  740. If you love someone, never talk about politics.
  741. If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
  742. If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
  743. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
  744. If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore.
  745. If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.
  746. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. — Mark Twain
  747. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
  748. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  749. If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
  750. If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
  751. If you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to expect a few blisters. — Dear Abby
  752. If you want to make enemies, try to change something. — Woodrow Wilson
  753. If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.
  754. If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority. — Yugoslav proverb
  755. If you’re happy, you’re successful.
  756. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  757. If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
  758. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
  759. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. — Stan Levenson
  760. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
  761. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “no hard feelings”.
  762. In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
  763. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
  764. In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
  765. In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann
  766. In my country we go to prison first and then become President. — Nelson Mandela
  767. In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
  768. In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, it was planned that way. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  769. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
  770. In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dalai Lama
  771. In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. — John Lilly
  772. In university I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.
  773. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin
  774. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. — Martin Luther King, Jr.
  775. Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. — Steve Jobs
  776. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown
  777. Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. — Albert Einstein
  778. Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
  779. Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
  780. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  781. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
  782. It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. — W. C. Fields
  783. It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
  784. It doesn’t matter what is true, it only matters what people believe is true. — Paul Watson
  785. It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein
  786. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  787. It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. — Charles Darwin
  788. It is always brave to say what everyone thinks. — Georges Duhamel
  789. It is better to be alone than in bad company. — George Washington
  790. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. — Oscar Wilde
  791. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
  792. It is better to own 10% of an elephant than 100% of a rat. — Arthur Mutambara
  793. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  794. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. — Voltaire
  795. It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  796. It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  797. It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. — Plato
  798. It isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you down. It’s the pebble in your shoe. — Muhammad Ali
  799. It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
  800. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  801. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  802. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. — Jack Handy
  803. It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
  804. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
  805. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. — Steven Wright
  806. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
  807. It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
  808. It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
  809. It’s like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra
  810. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  811. It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. — Ashleigh Brilliant
  812. It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill
  813. It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
  814. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
  815. It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. — Lou Holtz
  816. It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble; it’s the things we do know that ain’t so. — Will Rogers
  817. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
  818. It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.
  819. It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
  820. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
  821. It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
  822. It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am. — Muhammad Ali
  823. It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself. — Muhammad Ali
  824. It’s not bragging if you can back it up. — Muhammad Ali
  825. I\’d like to test the theory that money can\’t buy you happiness.
  826. I\’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn\’t listening.
  827. I\’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
  828. I\’m Irish. You\’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
  829. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  830. I’d love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter, but I’m not that good at emojis.
  831. I’d much rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea. — Carrie Bradshaw
  832. I’ll never understand women. They loathe you for asking their age, but torture you forever if you forget their birthday.
  833. I’m a really good listener, as long as we’re talking about me.
  834. I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
  835. I’m not ignoring you, I’m being mysterious.
  836. I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
  837. I’m orange juice, and you’re tooth paste. May we never meet again.
  838. I’m too intelligent to be happy.
  839. I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy. — Jacob Swift
  840. I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice. — Kent Graham
  841. I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but if I have changed even one life for the better, I haven’t lived in vain. — Muhammad Ali
  842. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  843. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
  844. Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
  845. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
  846. Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn’t mean she’s not the girl for you.
  847. Just say NO to negativity.
  848. Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. — Benjamin Franklin
  849. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  850. Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. — Theodore Roosevelt
  851. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  852. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. — Jimi Hendrix
  853. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  854. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  855. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
  856. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
  857. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
  858. Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
  859. Learn from your mistakes. Make better and better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
  860. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
  861. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
  862. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  863. Leisure is being allowed to do nothing. — G.K. Chesterton
  864. Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. — Göthe
  865. Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
  866. Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches. — Mohammed Reza Pahlavi
  867. Let’s not talk about my mistakes, let’s focus on yours.
  868. Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
  869. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  870. Let’s never discuss this again until the next time I decide to bring it up.
  871. Life exists for no known purpose.
  872. Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing
  873. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
  874. Life is better with a dirty imagination. — |
  875. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. — John Wayne
  876. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov
  877. Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
  878. Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon
  879. Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw
  880. Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
  881. Life’s a bitch, because if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
  882. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
  883. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  884. Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
  885. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
  886. Listen if you want to be heard. — John Wooden
  887. Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right. — Muhammad Ali
  888. Live simply so other may simply live. — Mother Teresa
  889. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
  890. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  891. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
  892. Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany
  893. Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns
  894. Looks capture the eyes. Personality captures the heart.
  895. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  896. Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it. — Dr. Karl Menninger
  897. Love is a serious mental disease. — Plato
  898. Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
  899. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  900. Love the life you live. Live the life you love. — Bob Marley
  901. Lunix. Because I’m better than you.
  902. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  903. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  904. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  905. Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. — John F. Kennedy
  906. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  907. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. — Mae West.
  908. Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
  909. Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
  910. Marriage should come with a stenographer.
  911. Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
  912. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
  913. Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
  914. Maths and alcohol don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive.
  915. Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
  916. Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
  917. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
  918. Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  919. Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  920. Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal
  921. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum
  922. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  923. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. — Groucho Marx
  924. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  925. Monday is the root of all evil.
  926. Mondays are awesome. It’s just your job that sucks.
  927. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  928. Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
  929. Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty. — Leo Rosten
  930. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. — Christopher Marlowe
  931. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
  932. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
  933. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughan
  934. Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible. — Dale Carnegie
  935. Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
  936. Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. — Robert Anthony
  937. Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
  938. Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure!
  939. Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
  940. My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
  941. My conscience is clean — I have never used it.
  942. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
  943. My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
  944. My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
  945. My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
  946. My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed. — Shmuel Breban
  947. My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her grandmother’s bedroom with a wolf.
  948. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. — Benjamin Disraeli
  949. My kids get along great when they’re sleeping.
  950. My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot. — Ashleigh Brilliant
  951. My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
  952. My middle fingers gets erect when I’m thinking about you.
  953. My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
  954. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
  955. My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
  956. My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
  957. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  958. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law. — Jerry Seinfeld
  959. My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
  960. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  961. My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
  962. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers
  963. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
  964. My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernhard Shaw
  965. My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it.
  966. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  967. My wife is fluent in furious.
  968. My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
  969. My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely. — Les Dawson
  970. Name of the greatest inventor. Accident. — Mark Twain
  971. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
  972. Never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.
  973. Never buy a car you can’t push.
  974. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
  975. Never drink whisky without water, never drink water without whisky.
  976. Never eat yellow snow.
  977. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  978. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
  979. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. — Erma Bombeck
  980. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
  981. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  982. Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
  983. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov
  984. Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
  985. Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.
  986. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain
  987. Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
  988. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
  989. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  990. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
  991. Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
  992. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  993. Never was anything great achieved without danger. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  994. Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy
  995. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
  996. Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. — Tug McGraw
  997. Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. — Henry A. Kissinger
  998. No good deed goes unpunished.
  999. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  1000. No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1001. No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
  1002. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  1003. No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to. — Lynn Johnston
  1004. No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
  1005. No matter how tough you think you are, there’s always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
  1006. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1007. No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
  1008. No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
  1009. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  1010. No-one suspects the butterfly!
  1011. Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.
  1012. None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
  1013. Nostalgia is the realization that things weren’t as unbearable as they seemed at the time.
  1014. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  1015. Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
  1016. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  1017. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
  1018. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’. — Audrey Hepburn
  1019. Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford
  1020. Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
  1021. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  1022. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
  1023. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  1024. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. — Ozzy Osbourne
  1025. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
  1026. Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.
  1027. Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
  1028. Of what good is democracy if it is not for the poor? — Ferdinand Marcos
  1029. Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
  1030. Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
  1031. Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
  1032. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
  1033. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  1034. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
  1035. Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. — Chet Atkins
  1036. One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. — Bob Marley
  1037. One kind word can warm three winter months. — Japanese proverb
  1038. One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. Numbers sanctify, my good fellow. — Charlie Chaplin
  1039. One must always be ahead of life by at least one whisky. — Humphrey Bogart
  1040. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. — Plato
  1041. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  1042. One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
  1043. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
  1044. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  1045. Only fossils should have their minds set in stone.
  1046. Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. — Pablo Picasso
  1047. Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
  1048. Only users lose drugs.
  1049. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. — Dalai Lama
  1050. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  1051. Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.
  1052. Opportunities multiply as they are seized. — Sun Tzu
  1053. Optimist: Someone without much experience.
  1054. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. — Laurence J. Peter
  1055. Our true nationality is mankind. — H.G. Wells
  1056. Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur. — Milton Jones
  1057. Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson
  1058. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. — Bill McGlashen
  1059. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. — Albert Einstein
  1060. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
  1061. People laughed when I said I’d become a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse
  1062. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  1063. People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernhard Shaw
  1064. People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
  1065. Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
  1066. Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman
  1067. Plan to be early, because you’ll always end up late.
  1068. Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
  1069. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  1070. Politics have no relation to morals. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  1071. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx
  1072. Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither. — Saddam Hussein
  1073. Posting opinions on the internet is like fishing for people to tell you how wrong you are.
  1074. Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
  1075. Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. — Warren Buffett
  1076. Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them. — Demonax
  1077. Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01
  1078. Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz
  1079. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. — Robert A. Heinlein
  1080. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  1081. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh
  1082. Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
  1083. Quitting is leading, too. — Nelson Mandela
  1084. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  1085. Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. — Joseph Addison
  1086. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
  1087. Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
  1088. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan
  1089. Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
  1090. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  1091. Rehab is for quitters.
  1092. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  1093. Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
  1094. Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
  1095. Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
  1096. Religion is the Opium for the masses. — Karl Marx
  1097. Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon
  1098. Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.
  1099. Revolutions are frightening, but election campaigns are disgusting. — Nicolas Gomez Davila
  1100. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
  1101. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. — Oscar Levant
  1102. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  1103. Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
  1104. Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
  1105. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
  1106. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  1107. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. — Robin Williams
  1108. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
  1109. Send lawyers, guns and money!
  1110. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  1111. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
  1112. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
  1113. She wanted to meet again. I told her I don’t water dead flowers.
  1114. Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer. — Muhammad Ali
  1115. Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
  1116. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
  1117. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  1118. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
  1119. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel
  1120. So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
  1121. So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. — Dalai Lama
  1122. Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
  1123. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
  1124. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  1125. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  1126. Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet. — Bob Marley
  1127. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  1128. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
  1129. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  1130. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
  1131. Sometimes I tell people I\’m an introvert just so they don\’t expect me to talk to them again.
  1132. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  1133. Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
  1134. Sometimes I’m normal, but I quickly tire of it, and become myself again.
  1135. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  1136. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
  1137. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. — Jerry Seinfeld
  1138. Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
  1139. Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
  1140. Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
  1141. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. — Ambrose Bierce
  1142. Spelling is a lossed art.
  1143. Stable relationships are for horses.
  1144. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  1145. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
  1146. Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. — Charles Monroe Schultz
  1147. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  1148. Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
  1149. Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in. — Leonardo da Vinci
  1150. Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein
  1151. Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. — Orson Welles
  1152. Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. — Bill Gates
  1153. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Abraham Lincoln
  1154. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
  1155. Sure it sounds bad when you phrase it exactly the way it happened.
  1156. Sure, I’d love to help you out. Now, which way did you come in?
  1157. Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
  1158. Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.
  1159. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
  1160. Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get. — George Bernard Shaw
  1161. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
  1162. Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields
  1163. Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
  1164. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  1165. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
  1166. Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
  1167. Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
  1168. The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
  1169. The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. — Cousin Woodman
  1170. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  1171. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. — Winston Churchill
  1172. The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. — Sandy Cooley
  1173. The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
  1174. The best secrets are the ones you’re let in on.
  1175. The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them will win. — Will Rogers
  1176. The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
  1177. The best things in life aren’t things.
  1178. The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  1179. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
  1180. The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. — Muhammad Ali
  1181. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. — Brendan Behan
  1182. The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  1183. The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates
  1184. The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making. — E. W. Dijkstra
  1185. The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker
  1186. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
  1187. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein
  1188. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
  1189. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
  1190. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
  1191. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
  1192. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  1193. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. — Oscar Wilde
  1194. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  1195. The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
  1196. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers
  1197. The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. — Maya Angelou
  1198. The future will be better tomorrow.
  1199. The great thing about Democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. — Art Spander
  1200. The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  1201. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. — David Russell
  1202. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  1203. The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
  1204. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. — George Jessel
  1205. The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves. — Henry Kissinger
  1206. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  1207. The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. — Bruce Lee
  1208. The Killer Ducks are coming!
  1209. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  1210. The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1211. The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
  1212. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  1213. The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
  1214. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
  1215. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. — Robert Bloch
  1216. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
  1217. The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life — Muhammad Ali
  1218. The mind is everything. What you think you become. — Buddha
  1219. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  1220. The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
  1221. The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. — Alice Walker
  1222. The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
  1223. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov
  1224. The most important life skill I have learned is when to stop asking questions.
  1225. The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. — Ann Landers
  1226. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  1227. The older I get, the smarter my Dad gets. — Mark Twain
  1228. The only certain thing in life is death.
  1229. The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
  1230. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. — Al McGuire
  1231. The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. — Henry Ford
  1232. The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
  1233. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix
  1234. The only regret I have in life, is that I didn’t tell people to go to Hell earlier.
  1235. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  1236. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke
  1237. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller
  1238. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
  1239. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
  1240. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell
  1241. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. — Mary Pickford
  1242. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
  1243. The police belongs to the people and the people belong to the police. — Todor Zhivkov
  1244. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  1245. The problem with teaching children to think for themselves is they might come to disagree with us.
  1246. The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
  1247. The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde
  1248. The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. — Pablo Picasso
  1249. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. — Will Rogers
  1250. The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. — Theodore Roosevelt
  1251. The regime is afraid of the people because it knows that free and fair elections will bring about its end. — Viktor Yushchenko
  1252. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
  1253. The revolution will not be televised.
  1254. The reward for a job well done is more work.
  1255. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
  1256. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  1257. The road to a friends house is never long.
  1258. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  1259. The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
  1260. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  1261. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  1262. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  1263. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  1264. The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
  1265. The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
  1266. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
  1267. The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
  1268. The time is always right to do the right thing. — Martin Luther King
  1269. The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
  1270. The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. — Buddha
  1271. The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey. — William Faulkner
  1272. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  1273. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  1274. The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win. — Leonid Brezhnev
  1275. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
  1276. The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. — John Wooden
  1277. The truth is more important than the facts. — Frank Lloyd Wright
  1278. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
  1279. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  1280. The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
  1281. The will must be stronger than the skill. — Muhammad Ali
  1282. The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
  1283. The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
  1284. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin
  1285. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
  1286. There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts. — Charles Dickens
  1287. There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  1288. There are no bad whiskies, some are just better than other others. — William Faulkner
  1289. There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1290. There are no facts, only interpretations. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1291. There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
  1292. There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. — Zig Ziglar
  1293. There are only two things wrong with money: Too much or too little. — Charles Bukowski
  1294. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
  1295. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
  1296. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. — Warren Buffett
  1297. There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
  1298. There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
  1299. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  1300. There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson
  1301. There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky. — Charles Murray
  1302. There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
  1303. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. — Henry Kissinger
  1304. There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.
  1305. There is indeed one person who can help solve “writer’s block”. His name is Mr Johnnie Walker. — Ashwin Sanghi
  1306. There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
  1307. There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. — Buddha
  1308. There is no such thing as a former KGB man. — Vladimir Putin
  1309. There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
  1310. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
  1311. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks
  1312. There is no time like the pleasant.
  1313. There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. — Charles Dickens
  1314. There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart. — Charles Dickens
  1315. There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
  1316. There was never a bad peace or a good war. — Benjamin Franklin
  1317. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  1318. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  1319. There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. — Kevin James
  1320. There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. — Mark Rasch
  1321. There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. — R. Buckminster Fuller
  1322. There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house. — Joe Ryan
  1323. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
  1324. There’s no such thing as a large whiskey.
  1325. There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
  1326. They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
  1327. They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
  1328. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
  1329. They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
  1330. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
  1331. Think things through before you’re through thinking.
  1332. This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this! — Inventor of Pringles
  1333. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  1334. This liquor tastes like I’m taking tomorrow off.
  1335. This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
  1336. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
  1337. This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
  1338. This year – a factory of semiconductors. Next year – a factory of whole conductors! — Todor Zhivkov
  1339. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others. — Groucho Marx
  1340. Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
  1341. Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. — George Bernhard Shaw
  1342. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin
  1343. Those who drink whiskey with the owls at night, cannot soar with the eagles the next day. — Brian D. Ratty
  1344. Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. — Aristotle
  1345. Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. — Joseph Stalin
  1346. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  1347. Thought is free. — William Shakespeare
  1348. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin
  1349. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
  1350. Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
  1351. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
  1352. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
  1353. Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don’t want to do and it’ll speed right up.
  1354. Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. — John Lennon
  1355. To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are. — Muhammad Ali
  1356. To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
  1357. To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. — Pablo Picasso
  1358. To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1359. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
  1360. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
  1361. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
  1362. To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
  1363. To err is hunam.
  1364. To generalize is to be an idiot.
  1365. To lead the people, walk behind them. — Lao Tzu
  1366. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde
  1367. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  1368. To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
  1369. To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen
  1370. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
  1371. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  1372. Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
  1373. Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
  1374. Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
  1375. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
  1376. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
  1377. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West
  1378. Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whisky is barely enough. — Mark Twain
  1379. Too much of everything is just enough.
  1380. Tracers work both ways.
  1381. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
  1382. Trust but verify.
  1383. Trust in God, but tie your camel.
  1384. Trust is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. You’ve gotta be 100% sure that she won’t tell your wife.
  1385. Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us. — Henri Frédéric Amie
  1386. Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away. — Elvis Presley
  1387. Trying is failing with honors.
  1388. Trying is the first step towards failure. — Homer Simpson
  1389. Turned my lights off for Earth Hour and I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
  1390. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
  1391. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did. — Mark Twain
  1392. Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
  1393. Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke
  1394. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  1395. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
  1396. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.
  1397. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
  1398. Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite. — John Kenneth Galbraith
  1399. Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
  1400. Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.
  1401. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  1402. Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. — C. S. Lewis
  1403. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
  1404. Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  1405. Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
  1406. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
  1407. Vision without execution is just hallucination. — Henry Ford
  1408. Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. — Kurt Cobain
  1409. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw
  1410. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. — Ambrose Bierce
  1411. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  1412. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  1413. Wasting time is an important part of living.
  1414. We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
  1415. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. — Oscar Wilde
  1416. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
  1417. We are not expelling the journalists but they are free to leave whenever they want. — Charles Taylor
  1418. We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. — Anais Nin
  1419. We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
  1420. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  1421. We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. — Martin Luther King
  1422. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  1423. We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
  1424. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
  1425. Welcome what you can’t avoid.
  1426. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
  1427. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  1428. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
  1429. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  1430. What one has to do usually can be done. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1431. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
  1432. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
  1433. What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
  1434. What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming. — Muhammad Ali
  1435. What’s the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
  1436. What’s worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  1437. Whatever happens, ignore it all.
  1438. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1439. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  1440. When all else fails, admit I’m right and kiss my ass.
  1441. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  1442. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  1443. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
  1444. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. — Jack Handey
  1445. When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner
  1446. When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
  1447. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
  1448. When in doubt empty the magazine.
  1449. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
  1450. When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
  1451. When in doubt, mumble.
  1452. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
  1453. When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. — Sigmund Freud
  1454. When it comes to a war of wills, I’m no match for the last cookie.
  1455. When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
  1456. When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
  1457. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  1458. When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates
  1459. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
  1460. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace. — Jimi Hendrix
  1461. When the well’s dry, we know the worth of water. — Ben Franklin
  1462. When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they’re not it.
  1463. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
  1464. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  1465. When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  1466. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby
  1467. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
  1468. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
  1469. When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. — Theodore Roosevelt
  1470. When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
  1471. When you’re through changing, you’re through. — Bruce Barton
  1472. When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it’s basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human. — Amie Stepanovich
  1473. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
  1474. Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
  1475. Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
  1476. Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right. — Henry Ford
  1477. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
  1478. While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
  1479. While I can’t walk on water, I can certainly wobble on whisky. — Ashwin Sanghi
  1480. Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. — Jerry Vale
  1481. Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation. You gaze first, then it’s time to drink. — Haruki Murakami
  1482. Whisky is liquid sunshine. — George Bernard Shaw
  1483. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
  1484. Whoever controls the media controls the mind. — Jim Morrison
  1485. Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain. — Vladimir Putin
  1486. Whoever said money doesn’t grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.
  1487. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
  1488. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
  1489. Why are stupid people so confident?
  1490. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
  1491. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? — Robin Williams
  1492. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
  1493. Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
  1494. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  1495. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? — Barbra Streisand
  1496. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
  1497. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  1498. Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
  1499. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  1500. Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
  1501. Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn’t make up their minds?
  1502. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin
  1503. Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think. — Lou Holtz
  1504. Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’ — Robert Byrne
  1505. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
  1506. Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
  1507. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
  1508. With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
  1509. With great power comes great electricity bill.
  1510. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  1511. Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
  1512. Women are like bacon. They smell great, taste amazing, and kill you slowly.
  1513. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  1514. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. — Marilyn Monroe
  1515. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
  1516. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  1517. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
  1518. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
  1519. Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
  1520. Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
  1521. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  1522. XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.
  1523. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx
  1524. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1525. Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  1526. You always admire what you really don’t understand. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1527. You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
  1528. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. — C.S. Lewis
  1529. You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
  1530. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
  1531. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. — Goethe
  1532. You can observe a lot just by watching.
  1533. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West
  1534. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
  1535. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
  1536. You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  1537. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  1538. You don’t have to explain something you never said.
  1539. You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
  1540. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill
  1541. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
  1542. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  1543. You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same. — Jonathan Davis
  1544. You look like I need another drink.
  1545. You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin
  1546. You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. — Margaret Thatcher
  1547. You might be a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. — Jeff Foxworthy
  1548. You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place. — Vladimir Putin
  1549. You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. — Dale Carnegie
  1550. You never really know if you’re over someone until you’re in the car and they’re in the crosswalk.
  1551. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. — Harry S. Truman
  1552. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
  1553. You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
  1554. You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
  1555. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  1556. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  1557. You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
  1558. Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. — Bill Gates
  1559. Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
  1560. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
  1561. Your worst humiliation is only someone else’s momentary entertainment.

Submit a one-liner

Please use this handy form to submit one-liners. The message is the only required field.

Your Name

Your Email

Your Message (required)