One-Liners

Funny one-liners, the ultimate collection with more than 2000 one-liners!

This is the complete listing of all the one-liners you see on the bottom of every page. If you know a one-liner that’s not in the collection, please send it to me. Thank you!

"A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future." — Denis Waitley
"I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities." — Tina Fey
"Mind is never a problem. Mindset is." — Narendra Modi
"On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." — H. L. Mencken
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting." — Ronald Reagan
"Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible." — Doug Larson
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer." — Douglas Adams
"Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment." — Betty White
"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced." — Frank Zappa
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff." — George Carlin
"The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large." — Josh Billings
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left." — Oscar Levant
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." — George Bernard Shaw
"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don’t need." — Will Rogers
"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it." — Navjot Singh Sidhu
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better." — Sydney J. Harris
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." — Laurence J. Peter
"It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!" — Steven Weinberg
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." — George Carlin
"Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor." — H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it." — Cullen Hightower
"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience." — George Bernard Shaw
"To err is human; to admit it, superhuman." — Doug Larson
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives." — Billy Connolly
"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." — Sam Ewing
"If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out." — Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" — John Barrymore
"I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly." — Peter Cook
"Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know." — Daniel J. Boorstin
"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest." — Mark Twain
"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?" — George Carlin
"To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead." — Thomas Paine
"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection." — Yakov Smirnoff
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." — Will Rogers
"The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government." — Edward Abbey
"He who laughs last didn’t get the joke." — Charles de Gaulle
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." — Abraham Lincoln
"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." — John Glenn
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you." — Groucho Marx
"We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." — Phyllis Diller
"Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe." — Mark Twain
"A day without laughter is a day wasted." — Charlie Chaplin
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" — George Carlin
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." — Dennis Wholey
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Can February March? No, but April May.
I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
A cheese factory exploded in France. The brie is everywhere.
I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person.
If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
I have all the money I’ll ever need - if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
If money can’t buy you happiness why do they sell Happy Meals?
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish.
Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
"The secret of happiness is something to do." — John Burroughs
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business." — Dave Barry
"In fair weather prepare for foul." — Thomas Fuller
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned." — Milton Friedman
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." — Leo Buscaglia
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." — Andy Warhol
"The most effective way to do it, is to do it." — Amelia Earhart
"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." — Mother Teresa
"The present time has one advantage over every other - it is our own." — Charles Caleb Colton
"Life is but thought." — Sara Teasdale
"We are no longer happy so soon as we wish to be happier." — Walter Savage Landor
"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others." — Diogenes
"Every failure is a step to success." — William Whewell
"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." — Pearl Bailey
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop." — P.J. O'Rourke
"In politics, stupidity is not a handicap." — Napoléon Bonaparte
"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live." — Flora Whittemore
"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast." — Oscar Wilde
"If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything." — Win Borden
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." — Maria Robinson
A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." — Arnold H. Glasgow
"If you make friends with yourself you will never be alone." — Maxwell Maltz
To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.
"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." — Sven Goran Eriksson
Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.
"I am easily satisfied with the very best." — Winston Churchill
"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose." — Tom Krause
"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best." — William Makepeace Thackeray
Make a firm decision now. You can always change it later.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
You can’t be late until you show up.
Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I don’t mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.
Don’t ever confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.
The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.
"If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten." — George Carlin
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look for it.
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." — Abraham Lincoln
If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.
In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.
My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
"We cannot put off living until we are ready." — Jose Ortega y Gasset
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin
You cannot take charge of the present if you are busy reliving the setbacks of the past.
"Some things are so unexpected that no one is prepared for them." — Leo Rosten
"A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less than what you do right now." — Phil McGraw
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." — Vince Lombardi
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." — Johnny Carson
"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." — Victor Borge
"The less you talk, the more you're listened to." — Pauline Phillips
I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
Practice makes perfeckt.
I'm so old that when I was in school, history was called current affairs.
Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools.
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield." — Steven Tyler
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
"Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane." — Doug Larson
"The only time Success comes before Work is in the dictionary." — Harvey Specter
A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn’t say.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
If it’s not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided." — Mark Twain
"You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need." — Vernon Howard
"For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned, nights left open to chance." — Mignon McLaughlin
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t drink." — Ryan Reynolds
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." — Bill Vaughan
"Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it." — Mark Twain
"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice." — Saul Bellow
"I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain." — Lily Tomlin
"Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done." — Peter Drucker
"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." — Mark Twain
Celibacy is not hereditary.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
"If winning isn’t important then why keep score?" — Vince Lombardi
You’re not a complete idiot. There are still some parts missing!
I may have a vacuum between my ears, but at least it’s better than nothing.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it." — Robert Anthony
"Youth is stranger than fiction." — Marcelene Cox
"Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." — Ann Landers
The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.
People tell me I’m childish but I think they’re just being poopyheads.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” — Fred Astaire
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation." — Alfred E. Neuman
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease." — Alfred E. Neuman
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
"Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got." — Janis Joplin
If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.
"To err is human. To blame someone else is politics." — Hubert H. Humphrey
"A fool and his money are soon elected." — Will Rogers
"Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it." — Scott Adams
"Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out." — John Wooden
I never turn my back on my friends, I don’t trust them that much.
"I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." — Bill Cosby
There’s a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.
"A mistake is simply another way of doing things." — Katharine Graham
Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
Sterility is not hereditary.
"Money can’t buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places." — Milton Berle
The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
The best exercise is to reach down and pull somebody up.
How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.
"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." — Terri Garey
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." — Robert Byrne
If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
My ex-wife's other car is a broom.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me." — Ashleigh Brilliant
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." — Woody Allen
"A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running." — Channing Pollock
Speaking your mind isn't the same thing as using it.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, sleep till noon.
"When all men think alike, no one thinks very much." — Walter Lipman
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." — George Bernhard Shaw
Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn't you rather have the money?
"To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group." — Leo Durocher
"To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats." — Henry Spencer
"The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them." — George Orwell
Liberty is about our rights to question everything.
"To be free is nothing, to become free is everything." — Hegel
"True friends stab you in the front." — Oscar Wilde
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths." — Steven Wright
"Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength." — Dalai Lama
Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
Trouble shared is trouble halved.
"There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce." — Mark Twain
"You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine." — Flip Wilson
I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime." — Red Skelton
"Cure for an obsession: get another one." — Mason Cooley
"The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident." — Francesco Guicciardini
The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you’re still in the parade.
"Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know." — J. Winter Smith
"Who does not trust enough will not be trusted." — Lao Tsu
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." — Mahatma Gandhi
The questions remain the same. The answers are eternally variable.
"The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be." — Lao Tsu
"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." — Seneca
Seeing is believing. You wouldn’t have seen it if you hadn’t believed it.
"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch." — Lily Tomlin
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
"Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know." — Michel de Montaigne
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see." — Henry David Thoreau
"It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed." — Goethe
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." — Leo Buscaglia
"In heaven, all the interesting people are missing." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"I’ve sometimes thought of marrying – and then I’ve thought again." — Noel Coward
"You do not become greater by making others smaller." — Krishna Dharma
"The most effective way to do it, is to do it." — Amelia Earhart
Don’t let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth.
"Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise." — Ted Turner
"Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them." — Bruce Lee
"Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart." — Zig Ziglar
"Be willing to be a beginner every single morning." — Meister Eckhart
The fact that a conflict has many sides does not imply that every side has merit.
"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?" — Leo Durocher
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." — David Lee Roth
"My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper." — Amy Sedaris
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." — Mark Twain
"Every dogma has its day." — Anthony Burgess
"Perfection itself is imperfection." — Vladimir Horowitz
"They didn’t want it good, they wanted it Wednesday." — Robert A. Heinlein
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.
"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." — Lao Tsu
"He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough." — Lao Tsu
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another’s mishap.
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down." — Woody Allen
Don’t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
The world really isn’t any worse. It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.
"The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper." — Thomas Jefferson
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
"Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them." — Will Rogers
"I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either." — Jack Benny
"I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch." — Gilda Radner
"Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’?" — Jay Leno
"Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead." — Terry Pratchett
"Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia." — Charles Schulz
"Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent." — Walt Kelly
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." — Groucho Marx
"Your mind is credulous enough to believe any narrative you feed it. Choose wisely." — Stephen Sadowski
"One is never so dangerous as when he’s utterly convinced he is right." — John Perry Barlow
"Humor is the only divine quality to be found in humanity." — Schopenhauer
"The future is always scary to those who cling to the past." — Tim O’Reilly
"Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality." — Dalai Lama
If you’re the smartest person in the room, go look for a room with smarter people in it.
"If you obey all the rules, you will miss all the fun." — Katharine Hepburn
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt." — Bertrand Russell
"The chief cause of problems is solutions." — Eric Sevareid
"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance." — Thomas Sowell
"Committees do harm merely by existing." — Freeman Dyson
"If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere." — Henry Kissinger
"Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons." — Lillian Gordy Carter
"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." — Abraham Lincoln
"The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs." — Charles de Gaulle
"Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired." — Mark Twain
"Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it." — Sam Levenson
The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.
The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
Your secrets are safe with me, because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy." — Bob Hope
"I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it." — Ray Bradbury
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." — Mark Twain
"We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down." — Kurt Vonnegut
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." — Mark Twain
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
"Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it." — Mark Twain
I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat." — Mark Twain
Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But thankfully, I turned myself around.
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.
Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." — Mark Twain
"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed." — Mark Twain
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." — Mark Twain
Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings.
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." — Mark Twain
Victims of autocorrect, untie!
“Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right." — Mark Twain
"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough." — Mark Twain
Spend some time staring at the stars. It feeds the soul and revives the mind.
"I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark." — Adam Hess
"A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event." — Angela Barnes
!false (It’s funny because it’s true.)
"I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly." — Timothy Connor
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." — Bill Watterson
Life is too complicated in the morning.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
It is okay to visit your past just don’t bring any luggage with you.
Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
Don’t make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.
Friendship should not be sought, but is usually found both by chance and good luck.
There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right. Alcohol IS a solution.
Dracula is a myth created by Big Garlic.
"Buy land, they’re not making it anymore." — Mark Twain
It’s hard to escape from your inner critic, especially when it never shuts up.
"It is easier to stay out than get out." — Mark Twain
Alcohol: The fuel used in the engine of bad decisions.
"It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog." — Mark Twain
"I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one." — Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." — Mark Twain
"We have the best government that money can buy." — Mark Twain
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." — Mark Twain
"Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing." — Mark Twain
"I can live for two months on a good compliment." — Mark Twain
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not." — Mark Twain
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." — Mark Twain
Time flies when you throw away calendars.
"To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now." — Eddy Elfenbein
Don’t have anything nice to say? Try obscene gestures.
"Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top." — Aisling Bea
A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
Time is the rarest commodity. Manage yours wisely.
"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – It was the worst 20 minutes of my life." — George Best
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
"People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people." — Alan Moore
Whatever you do always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
My life is a constant shift between trying to fall asleep and trying to wake up.
Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality.
Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.
If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small breasts.
Bad choices often turn into good stories.
An architect’s dream is an engineer’s nightmare.
Life is what happens outside your smartphone.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
"Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue." — Dilbert
"I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial." — Irvin S. Cobb
"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here." — Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." — John Bright
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." — Clarence Darrow
I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
"I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" — Chandler Bing
I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.
Judge me by the people I avoid.
I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." — Mark Twain
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was." — Mitch Hedberg
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
"Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one." — Richard Lewis
Those who live closest arrive latest.
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
"Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen." — Martin Mull
You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their butt with an iPad.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." — Groucho Marx
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." — Abraham Lincoln
"Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere." — Albert Einstein
"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away." — Paul Terry
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles M. Schulz
"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." — André Gide
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." — Oscar Wilde
"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." — Elbert Hubbard
"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind." — Bernard M. Baruch
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe." — Albert Einstein
"Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar." — Nick Jack Pappas
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
"A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read." — Mark Twain
"It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected." — Mark Twain
"Golf is a good walk spoiled." — Mark Twain
A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once.
When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?
Any joke is a one-liner if the notebook you write it in is wide enough.
"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives." — Mark Twain
"Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?" — Sophia Benoit
I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
The Indian version of "How I Met Your Mother" would only last one episode, entitled "The Wedding".
If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
"When in doubt tell the truth." — Mark Twain
Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
"If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care." — Nick Jack Pappas
"Always make new mistakes." — Ester Dyson
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Let he without typos, cast the first store.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles away from the next exit.
How long is a Chinese name.
Dark humor is like love - not everyone gets it.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
The Public is merely a multiplied “me.”
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
"The lack of money is the root of all evil." — Mark Twain
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
"My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious." — Fin Taylor
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “this changes everything”.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
"A problem well stated is a problem half solved." — Charles Kettering
Be a voice, not an echo.
"I’d rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong." — John Maynard Keynes
"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." — Nikita Khrushchev
"A wise man talks because he has something to say; a fool talks because he has to say something." — Plato
"Of those who say nothing, few are silent." — Thomas Neil
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." — Norman Vincent Peale
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." — Martin Luther King Jr.
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." — Dalai Lama
"Teach thy tongue to say, “I do not know,” and thous shalt progress." — Maimonides
"There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." — Aristotle
"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it." — Charles Swindoll
"Every strike brings me closer to the next home run." — Babe Ruth
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." — Don Marquis
"I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you." — Robin Williams
"We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are." — Anais Nin
"No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar." — Abraham Lincoln
"Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why." — Bernard Baruch
"Failure is success if we learn from it." — Malcolm Forbes
"An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching." — Mahatma Gandhi
"Be the change you want to see in the world." — Mahatma Gandhi
"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon." — Woody Allen
"People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times." — Kai Humphries
"How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend." — Steve Bugeja
"I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years." — Alfie Moore
"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit." — Stephen K. Amos
"I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror." — Bill Murray
"I have nothing to declare except my genius." — Oscar Wilde
"Race is just a pigment of the imagination." — Glen Highland
"An escalator cannot break, it can only become stairs." — Mitch Hedberg
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
"Um." — First horse that got ridden
"The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become." — Mark Twain
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." — Mark Twain
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don’t understand it.
"I find that people who believe we might be living in a computer simulation tend to be people who I could imagine being simulated most easily by a computer." — Joi Ito
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
The most dangerous part of a motorcycle is the nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
Don’t be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
"A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street." — Doug Linder
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
"Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job." — Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
"Looking at code you wrote more than two weeks ago is like looking at code you are seeing for the first time." — Dan Hurvitz
"The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better." — Eric Raymond
Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
"Every great developer you know got there by solving problems they were unqualified to solve until they actually did it." — Patrick McKenzie
"A primary cause of complexity is that software vendors uncritically adopt almost any feature that users want." — Niklaus Wirth
"The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else." — Melinda Varian
"The strength of JavaScript is that you can do anything. The weakness is that you will." — Reg Braithwaite
The trick to really enjoying someone's company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
"One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile." — Oscar Godson
"Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size." — Chris Wenham
"Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute." — Harold Abelson & Gerald Jay Sussman
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing." — Alan J. Perlis
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
"Think about it; and think about it carefully. Nothing happens in our society without software. Nothing." — Robert "Uncle Bob" Martin
"We build our computer systems the way we build our cities: over time, without a plan, on top of ruins." — Ellen Ullman
Trying again to persuade my wife to participate in a twosome.
"Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer." — Filipe Fortes
"Good software, like good wine, takes time." — Joel Spolsky
"What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months." — Fred Brooks
I've got an idea for a really scary Halloween costume. How do I dress up as "The World Right Now"?
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." — Jan L.A van de Snepscheut
"It's all talk until the code runs." — Ward Cunningham
The problem with teaching children to think for themselves is they might come to disagree with us.
Sure it sounds bad when you phrase it exactly the way it happened.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Only fossils should have their minds set in stone.
A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.
I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook.
Why are stupid people so confident?
I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
Posting opinions on the internet is like fishing for people to tell you how wrong you are.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don't want to do and it'll speed right up.
Call me a hoarder all you want, but there's over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
My kids get along great when they're sleeping.
I've found that people tend to leave you alone after they've seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
I'm not a stalker, I'm an unpaid private investigator.
If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they're now free.
"This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!" — Inventor of Pringles
Judge people on how they treat others when they're hungry.
Relax. It's going to get much worse.
Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Just because I'm smiling doesn't necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called "Eye contact 101".
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite "maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
I'm typically attracted to guys who look like I'll need therapy after dating them.
Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.
I put the "sexy" in Dyslexic.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
I called roadside assistance, but they didn't want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
I'll show you mine if you show me tequila.
Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
Being an open book isn't helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.
We're all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
I'm too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
I can't tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I'd like to test the theory that money can't buy you happiness.
Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
I'm Irish. You're not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
Sometimes I tell people I'm an introvert just so they don't expect me to talk to them again.
If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
I'll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
"Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something." — Wilson Mizner
Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I'm on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I'd also like to plant some bulbs.
Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
I'd love to continue this conversation but I wasn't listening.
I'm not asocial, I just don't want to associate with idiots.
Don't get burned twice on the same flame.
Don't worry about tomorrow's problems, handle today's first.
I don't make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
I've pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I've accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
What's the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
The best secrets are the ones you're let in on.
Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn't mean she's not the girl for you.
Dear Santa. I realize I have a lot of explaining to do…
A sea of liquor can’t intoxicate me as much as a drop of you.
Don’t give your heart to someone who needs a brain.
She wanted to meet again. I told her I don’t water dead flowers.
I’m orange juice, and you’re tooth paste. May we never meet again.
The only regret I have in life, is that I didn’t tell people to go to Hell earlier.
You look like I need another drink.
I’m too intelligent to be happy.
Sometimes I’m normal, but I quickly tire of it, and become myself again.
Women are like bacon. They smell great, taste amazing, and kill you slowly.
My middle fingers gets erect when I’m thinking about you.
I don’t use drugs. I am a drug.
This liquor tastes like I’m taking tomorrow off.
Good night, friends and enemies! Don’t forget that tonight you’re closer to death than you were this morning.
Don’t let your loneliness drive you into the wrong arms.
I used to be sober. Now I’m an author.
"Life is better with a dirty imagination." — |
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
What's worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
If the bathroom isn't flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
When you're dead, you don't know that you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you're stupid.
Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
Marriage should come with a stenographer.
"I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects." — Donna McCoy
"I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection." — Mark Campbell
"I finally found my dream woman. She's very hot, and nobody else can see her." — Ray Bryant
I'm sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
"I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy." — Jacob Swift
Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
If you love someone, never talk about politics.
"I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice." — Kent Graham
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
"I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me." — Nick Ross
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
"Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway." — Harry Enten
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
My wife is fluent in furious.
Let's not talk about my mistakes, let's focus on yours.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
"When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it's basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human." — Amie Stepanovich
I hate it when you run out of food while you're still eating.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It's useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they're not it.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
Don't worry about old age. It doesn't last that long.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband's voice right.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.
I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
"The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making." — E. W. Dijkstra
Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity it's the definition of parenting.
90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
I put the deter in determination.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her grandmother's bedroom with a wolf.
I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
Don't underestimate my overreaction.
I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
"It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am." — Muhammad Ali
"It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself." — Muhammad Ali
"It’s not bragging if you can back it up." — Muhammad Ali
"I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but if I have changed even one life for the better, I haven’t lived in vain." — Muhammad Ali
"If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you." — Muhammad Ali
"Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are." — Muhammad Ali
"Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up." — Muhammad Ali
"If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize." — Muhammad Ali
"The will must be stronger than the skill." — Muhammad Ali
"It isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you down. It’s the pebble in your shoe." — Muhammad Ali
"Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer." — Muhammad Ali
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." — Muhammad Ali
"Don’t count the days, make the days count." — Muhammad Ali
"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life" — Muhammad Ali
"Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right." — Muhammad Ali
"What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming." — Muhammad Ali
"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are." — Muhammad Ali
"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." — Muhammad Ali
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up." — Muhammad Ali
Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage, and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore.
My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
The most important life skill I have learned is when to stop asking questions.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I don’t need fun to have alcohol.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’d love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter, but I’m not that good at emojis.
I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
Mondays are awesome. It’s just your job that sucks.
I’m a really good listener, as long as we’re talking about me.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If I took the time to be embarrassed by my mistakes I'd never get anything else done.
There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
Trust is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. You've gotta be 100% sure that she won't tell your wife.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better and better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible.
When it comes to a war of wills, I'm no match for the last cookie.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it.
I’ll never understand women. They loathe you for asking their age, but torture you forever if you forget their birthday.
I just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Let’s never discuss this again until the next time I decide to bring it up.
A man of few words is usually married.
Turned my lights off for Earth Hour and I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I don’t like who I become when I have to get out of bed.
I’m not ignoring you, I’m being mysterious.
You never really know if you’re over someone until you’re in the car and they’re in the crosswalk.
Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn’t make up their minds?
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn’t say the decisions I made were good.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
My conscience is clean — I have never used it.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I want patience, and I want it now!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Sure, I'd love to help you out. Now, which way did you come in?
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
Impotence: Nature’s way of saying "no hard feelings".
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Trust but verify.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I think, therefore I’m single.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
In university I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.
Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
Whoever said money doesn’t grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife’s Bra. It was a booby trap.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does having no medical insurance.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." — Erma Bombeck
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." — Jackie Mason
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
"When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty." — Norm Crosby
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it." — Bob Hope
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket." — Will Rogers
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except when you’re at a funeral.
"I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." — Sam Kinison
"I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly." — Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Any woman can make mistakes, but only an idiot calls her out on them.
"Those who drink whiskey with the owls at night, cannot soar with the eagles the next day." — Brian D. Ratty
"I’d much rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea." — Carrie Bradshaw
"Whisky is liquid sunshine." — George Bernard Shaw
"There is indeed one person who can help solve “writer’s block”. His name is Mr Johnnie Walker." — Ashwin Sanghi
"While I can’t walk on water, I can certainly wobble on whisky." — Ashwin Sanghi
"Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation. You gaze first, then it’s time to drink." — Haruki Murakami
"The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey." — William Faulkner
"Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste." — Tug McGraw
"I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it." — Robert E. Lee
"I used to like whiskey. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been drunk." — Claude Williams
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." — W. C. Fields
"As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I never should have switched from scotch to martinis." — Humphrey Bogart
Never drink whisky without water, never drink water without whisky.
"There are no bad whiskies, some are just better than other others." — William Faulkner
"One must always be ahead of life by at least one whisky." — Humphrey Bogart
"Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whisky is barely enough." — Mark Twain
"There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky." — Charles Murray
There’s no such thing as a large whiskey.
"Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold." — Jerry Vale
"Free advice is worth the price." — Robert Half
"I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead." — Woody Allen
"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." — Jon Stewart
"I like what mechanics wear… overall." — Stewart Francis
"Winter is nature’s way of saying, 'Up yours.'" — Robert Byrne
"If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand." — Jonathan Aitken
"I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail." — João Baptista de Oliveira Figueiredo
"My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law." — Jerry Seinfeld
"You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does." — Jeff Foxworthy
"If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?" — Jim Gaffigan
Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
"Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners." — E. Joseph Cossman
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." — Confucius
Never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
"I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me." — Winston Churchill
"A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020." — Rich Hall
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Trust in God, but tie your camel.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
Just say NO to negativity.
"Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." — Charles Monroe Schultz
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." — Alice Walker
"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." — Victor Hugo
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." — Carl Gustav Jung
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." — Oscar Wilde
"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." — C.S. Lewis
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it." — Nelson Mandela
"I think it's better to feel good than to look good." — Tom Hanks
"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'." — Audrey Hepburn
"Trying is the first step towards failure." — Homer Simpson
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." — Ambrose Bierce
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." — Mark Twain
"The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable." — Oscar Wilde
"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it." — Ken Dodd
"I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help"." — Jimmy Carr
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newheart
"Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard." — Spike Milligan
"My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely." — Les Dawson
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
Cake: The answer, no matter the question.
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
All the problems fade before a hangover.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you're listening.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
Escalators don't break down. They just turn into stairs.
"Marriage is the main reason for divorce." — Groucho Marx
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
The road to a friends house is never long.
"When the well's dry, we know the worth of water." — Ben Franklin
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
"The older I get, the smarter my Dad gets." — Mark Twain
"He, who doesn't hope to win has already lost." — Simon Bolivar
Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace." — Jimi Hendrix
Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
"There are only two things wrong with money: Too much or too little." — Charles Bukowski
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
"At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other." — Ann Landers
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." — Robin Williams
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." — Franklin P. Jones
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason." — Jerry Seinfeld
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election." — Bill Vaughan
"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong." — Charles Wadsworth
"I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to." — Rodney Dangerfield
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." — Dennis Miller
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." — Brendan Behan
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?" — Barbra Streisand
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day." — Robert Frost
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button." — Sam Levenson
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." — Al McGuire
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." — Marilyn Monroe
"Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead." — Bill McGlashen
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"According to my best recollection, I don't remember." — Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
Gravity always gets me down.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it." — Seasick Steve
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
"There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. " — Warren Buffett
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
"Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days." — Robin Williams
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public." — George Jessel
"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." — Winston Churchill
Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog." — Harry S. Truman
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." — Jack Handy
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
"Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster." — Ken Ndaru
"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say." — Marshall McLuhan
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one." — Mae West
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies." — Groucho Marx
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." — David Russell
Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him." — Goethe
"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things." — Robert A. Heinlein
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." — Herm Albright
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Life's a bitch, because if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." — Emo Philips
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime." — Red Skelton
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Gravity always gets me down.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
"You can't have everything; where would you put it?" — Steven Wright
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
"People laughed when I said I'd become a comedian... well, they're not laughing now." — Bob Monkhouse
"I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone." — Stewart Francis
"I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up." — Shmuel Breban
"Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur." — Milton Jones
"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." — Rodney Dangerfield
"My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed." — Shmuel Breban
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." — Demetri Martin
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." — David Recksiek
"I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't snort, and I don't gamble. I do lie a little bit though." — Tim Maia
"A dyslexic man walks into a bra." — George Carlin
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." — Plato
"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, it was planned that way." — Franklin D. Roosevelt
"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much." — Donald H. Rumsfeld
"Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite." — John Kenneth Galbraith
"An ideal form of government is Democracy tempered with assassination." — Voltaire
"The great thing about Democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid." — Art Spander
"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." — Henry A. Kissinger
"I am an Environmentalist. ... I am for clean air." — Ronald Reagan
"The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them will win." — Will Rogers
"If I could do it all again, I'd be a farmer." — Mobutu Sese Seko
"Revolutions are frightening, but election campaigns are disgusting." — Nicolas Gomez Davila
"Call it what you will, incentives are what get people to work harder." — Nikia Khruschev
"I was only an aspiring dictator. I was never a real dictator." — Augusto Pinochet
"Governments never learn. Only people learn." — Milton Friedman
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." — Benjamin Disraeli
"Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy." — Dwight Eisenhower
"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." — Voltaire
"The truth is more important than the facts." — Frank Lloyd Wright
"We are not expelling the journalists but they are free to leave whenever they want." — Charles Taylor
"Of what good is democracy if it is not for the poor?" — Ferdinand Marcos
"Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches." — Mohammed Reza Pahlavi
"Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither." — Saddam Hussein
"A leader leads by example not by force." — Sun Tzu
"Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind." — John F. Kennedy
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." — Groucho Marx
"The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win." — Leonid Brezhnev
"One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. Numbers sanctify, my good fellow." — Charlie Chaplin
"This year - a factory of semiconductors. Next year - a factory of whole conductors!" — Todor Zhivkov
"The police belongs to the people and the people belong to the police." — Todor Zhivkov
"In my country we go to prison first and then become President." — Nelson Mandela
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." — Henry Kissinger
"Even a paranoid can have enemies." — Henry Kissinger
"The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves." — Henry Kissinger
"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it." — George W. Bush
"I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen." — Robert Mugabe
"It is better to own 10% of an elephant than 100% of a rat." — Arthur Mutambara
"By definition, as a Prime Minister I cannot be a liar." — Silvio Berlusconi
"It doesn't matter what is true, it only matters what people believe is true." — Paul Watson
"Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain." — Vladimir Putin
"There is no such thing as a former KGB man." — Vladimir Putin
"You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place." — Vladimir Putin
"The regime is afraid of the people because it knows that free and fair elections will bring about its end." — Viktor Yushchenko
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." — Herbert Hoover
"Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty." — Leo Rosten
"Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get." — George Bernard Shaw
Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as unbearable as they seemed at the time.
"It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we do know that ain't so." — Will Rogers
"It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line." — Ashleigh Brilliant
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." — Steven Wright
"If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters." — Dear Abby
"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." — George Winters
Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own." — Doug Larson
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." — H. L. Mencken
"Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait." — Stanislaw Lec
"Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down." — Wilson Mizner
"A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth." — George Bernard Shaw
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." — Mae West.
"Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it." — Dr. Karl Menninger
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." — Ambrose Bierce
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
"It is always brave to say what everyone thinks." — Georges Duhamel
"One kind word can warm three winter months." — Japanese proverb
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority.
"There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house." — Joe Ryan
To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
"Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them." — Demonax
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." — Martin Luther King, Jr.
"If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable." — John F. Kennedy
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." — Robert Frost
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
"Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us." — Henri Frédéric Amie
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." — John Lilly
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." — Voltaire
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." — Peter Ustinov
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure!
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Plan to be early, because you'll always end up late.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." — William Shakespeare
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.
I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.
I sink, therefore I swam.
It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
"When you're through changing, you're through." — Bruce Barton
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." — Ashleigh Brilliant
"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." — Göthe
"I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." — Woodrow Wilson
"I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom." — Anatole France
"I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one." — James G. Bennet
"Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient." — James Russel Lowell
Be an optimist--at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy.
"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." — W. C. Fields
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
"I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and never his prescription?" — Finley Peter Dunne
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?" — George Carlin
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?" — George Carlin
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without." — Confucius
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did." — Mark Twain
Sometimes we all have days where we are 386's in a P4 world.
Looks capture the eyes. Personality captures the heart.
If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
A beautiful relationship does not depend upon how good we understand someone but on how well we avoid misunderstandings.
Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." — Benjamin Franklin
"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine." — David Brenner
"TV is chewing gum for the eyes." — Frank Lloyd Wright
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap." — Kevin James
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." — Oscar Levant
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours." — Ronald Reagan
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." — Laurence J. Peter
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." — Mike Myers
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." — Bill Vaughan
"I never said most of the things I said." — Yogi Berra
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me." — Warren Buffett
"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries." — Stephen King
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." — Mark Twain
"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups." — Cathy Guisewite
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." — Jim Carrey
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." — Bill Cosby
I would rather tell you one truth you don't like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Materialism: Buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
When in doubt, mumble.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon." — Brandt Paul
Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I've written a long one instead.
"There are no traffic jams on the extra mile." — Zig Ziglar
"Cut my pie into four pieces, I don't think I could eat eight." — Yogi Berra
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition." — Woody Allen
"If you want to make enemies, try to change something." — Woodrow Wilson
"A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits." — Woodrow Wilson
"Thought is free." — William Shakespeare
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects." — Will Rogers
"Price is what you pay. Value is what you get." — Warren Buffett
"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!" — W. C. Fields
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." — W. C. Fields
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it." — W. C. Fields
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." — W. C. Fields
"I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." — Voltaire
"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do." — Voltaire
"Common sense is not so common." — Voltaire
"Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot." — Vladimir Lenin
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." — Vladimir Lenin
"I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun." — Thomas Alva Edison
"Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something." — Thomas Alva Edison
"When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." — Theodore Roosevelt
"The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run." — Theodore Roosevelt
"Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right." — Theodore Roosevelt
"Opportunities multiply as they are seized." — Sun Tzu
"All warfare is based on deception." — Sun Tzu
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." — Steven Wright
"Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower." — Steve Jobs
"Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works." — Steve Jobs
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." — Stephen Fry
"When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser." — Socrates
"I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world." — Socrates
"When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it." — Sigmund Freud
"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." — Salvador Dali
"Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money." — Robin Williams
"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
"There's nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." — R. Buckminster Fuller
"I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience." — R. Buckminster Fuller
"Love is a serious mental disease." — Plato
"It is only the dead who have seen the end of war." — Plato
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." — Plato
"To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic." — Pablo Picasso
"The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls." — Pablo Picasso
"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." — Pablo Picasso
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money." — Pablo Picasso
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." — Steven Wright
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can't remember what they are.
They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." — Ozzy Osbourne
"Could be worse… I could be Sting." — Ozzy Osbourne
"Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus." — Ozzy Osbourne
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." — Oscar Wilde
"I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there." — Oscar Wilde
"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." — Oscar Wilde
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." — Oscar Wilde
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." — Oscar Wilde
"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing." — Oscar Wilde
"Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn." — Orson Welles
"A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army." — Orson Welles
"Politics have no relation to morals." — Niccolo Machiavelli
"Never was anything great achieved without danger." — Niccolo Machiavelli
"It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles." — Niccolo Machiavelli
"Quitting is leading, too." — Nelson Mandela
"I am the captain of my soul." — Nelson Mandela
"You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse." — Napoleon Bonaparte
"The best way to keep one's word is not to give it." — Napoleon Bonaparte
"History is a set of lies agreed upon." — Napoleon Bonaparte
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away." — Nancy Mitford
"There's no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots." — Mark Rasch
"Live simply so other may simply live." — Mother Teresa
"If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one." — Mother Teresa
"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." — Mohandas Gandhi
"The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." — Mary Pickford
"Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo." — Mary Pickford
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." — Maya Angelou
"We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools." — Martin Luther King
"The time is always right to do the right thing." — Martin Luther King
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." — Mark Twain
"Name of the greatest inventor. Accident." — Mark Twain
"Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company." — Mark Twain
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." — Mark Twain
"I've been on a calendar, but never on time." — Marilyn Monroe
"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." — Margaret Thatcher
"If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right." — Mae West
"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure." — Mae West
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." — Mae West
"Don't keep a man guessing for too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else." — Mae West
"Don't cry for a man who's left you – the next one might fall for your smile." — Mae West
"Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." — Mae West
"Winners and losers aren't born, they are the products of how they think." — Lou Holtz
"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." — Lou Holtz
"Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in." — Leonardo da Vinci
"To lead the people, walk behind them." — Lao Tzu
"He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty." — Lao Tzu
"Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved." — Lao Tzu
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving." — Lao Tzu
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are." — Kurt Cobain
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." — Kurt Cobain
"Friends are nothing but a known enemy." — Kurt Cobain
"If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself." — Kris Kristofferson
"Religion is the Opium for the masses." — Karl Marx
"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything." — Joseph Stalin
"History has shown there are no invincible armies." — Joseph Stalin
"Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body." — Joseph Addison
"The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching." — John Wooden
"Listen if you want to be heard." — John Wooden
"Don't mistake activity for achievement." — John Wooden
"Don't let making a living prevent you from making a life." — John Wooden
"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." — John Wayne
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." — John Lennon
"Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names." — John F. Kennedy
"Fear is the foundation of most governments." — John Adams
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." — Jimi Hendrix
"If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." — Jim Rohn
"Either you run the day or the day runs you." — Jim Rohn
"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments." — Jim Rohn
"Whoever controls the media controls the mind." — Jim Morrison
"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself" — Jim Morrison
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't — you're right." — Henry Ford
"Vision without execution is just hallucination." — Henry Ford
"The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing." — Henry Ford
"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs." — Henry Ford
"Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice." — Henry Ford
"Our true nationality is mankind." — H.G. Wells
"If we don’t end war, war will end us." — H.G. Wells
"Advertising is legalized lying." — H.G. Wells
"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it." — Groucho Marx
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music." — Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." — Groucho Marx
"I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it." — Groucho Marx
"Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must." — Goethe
"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." — Goethe
"It is better to be alone than in bad company." — George Washington
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music." — George Carlin
"Those who can not change their minds can not change anything." — George Bernhard Shaw
"People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it." — George Bernhard Shaw
"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world." — George Bernhard Shaw
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." — George Bernhard Shaw
"Leisure is being allowed to do nothing." — G.K. Chesterton
"When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"There are no facts, only interpretations." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies." — Friedrich Nietzsche
"There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still." — Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." — Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't going away." — Elvis Presley
"You always admire what you really don't understand." — Eleanor Roosevelt
"What one has to do usually can be done." — Eleanor Roosevelt
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." — Eleanor Roosevelt
"No leader can be too far ahead of his followers." — Eleanor Roosevelt
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself." — Eleanor Roosevelt
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." — Douglas Adams
"The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." — Dorothy Parker
"You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing." — Dale Carnegie
"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible." — Dale Carnegie
"Fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind." — Dale Carnegie
"Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values." — Dalai Lama
"In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher." — Dalai Lama
"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." — Dalai Lama
If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.
I'd agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
"I've been called worse things by better people." — Pierre Trudeau
"The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie." — Ann Landers
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you" — Friedrich Nietzsche
"A harmful truth is better than a useful lie." — Thomas Mann
Think things through before you're through thinking.
"Don't complain about the snow your your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean." — Confucius
"Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life." — Confucius
"The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends." — Marcus Tullius Cicero
"Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error." — Marcus Tullius Cicero
"Once you become predictable, no one's interested anymore." — Chet Atkins
"There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate." — Charles Dickens
"There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart." — Charles Dickens
"There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts." — Charles Dickens
"It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine." — Charles Darwin
"Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction." — C. S. Lewis
"The tongue is like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood." — Buddha
"The mind is everything. What you think you become." — Buddha
"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace." — Buddha
"There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path." — Buddha
"A jug fills drop by drop." — Buddha
"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering." — Bruce Lee
"If you don't want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today." — Bruce Lee
"Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind." — Bruce Lee
"Boards don't hit back." — Bruce Lee
"A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer." — Bruce Lee
"A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at." — Bruce Lee
"Love the life you live. Live the life you love." — Bob Marley
"Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet." — Bob Marley
"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain." — Bob Marley
"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." — Bill Gates
"Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose." — Bill Gates
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good." — Bill Gates
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." — Bill Gates
"There was never a bad peace or a good war." — Benjamin Franklin
"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are." — Benjamin Franklin
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria." — Benjamin Franklin
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." — Benjamin Franklin
"He that can have patience can have what he will." — Benjamin Franklin
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." — Benjamin Franklin
"Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing." — Benjamin Franklin
"A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others." — Ayn Rand
"Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach." — Aristotle
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." — Anais Nin
"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding." — Albert Einstein
"Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them." — Albert Einstein
"I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." — Albert Einstein
"An empty stomach is not a good political adviser." — Albert Einstein
"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new." — Albert Einstein
"Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." — Abraham Lincoln
"I don't like that man. I must get to know him better." — Abraham Lincoln
"As our case is new, we must think anew." — Abraham Lincoln
Nobody notices what i do, until i don't do it.
Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.
"The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning." — Sandy Cooley
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." — Thomas Alva Edison
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present." — Eleanor Roosevelt
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." — Groucho Marx
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." — Paul Fix
"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way." — Stan Levenson
"Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." — W. C. Fields
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." — Henny Youngman
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." — Douglas Adams
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." — Jack Handey
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." — Robert Bloch
"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?" — George Carlin
"The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected." — Cousin Woodman
"No matter how old you are, there's always something good to look forward to." — Lynn Johnston
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." — George Bernard Shaw
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." — Voltaire
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." — A. Whitney Brown
"How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time." — Fred Brooks
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it." — Joan Rivers
"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." — Oscar Wilde
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." — Ambrose Redmoon
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." — Mark Twain
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy." — Robert Anthony
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." — Robert Frost
"So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy." — Dalai Lama
"A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future." — Robert A. Heinlein
It's one thing to give advice, it's another to take it.
I quote people to better express myself.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying." — Arthur C. Clarke
Resistance isn't futile, it's voltage divided by amperage.
"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life." — George Burns
"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." — Jeremy S. Anderson
"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." — Isaac Asimov
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!', but 'That's funny...'" — Isaac Asimov
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." — Isaac Asimov
"You may delay, but Time will not." — Benjamin Franklin
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." — Albert Einstein
"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity." — Albert Einstein
"Any fool can know. The point is to understand." — Albert Einstein
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." — Woody Allen
"I intend to live forever, or die trying." — Groucho Marx
"I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." — Groucho Marx
"Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it." — Richard Feynman
"It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required." — Winston Churchill
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." — Winston Churchill
"I can resist everything except temptation." — Oscar Wilde
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute." — George Bernard Shaw
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." — Mark Twain
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." — Emo Philips
"The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before." — Bill Gates
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live." — Damian Conway
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." — Kin Hubbard
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." — Leo Tolstoy
Systems aren't made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They're made from code, wires and hardware.
Faster hardware doesn't solve business problems - unless the business problem is slow hardware.
It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." — Pablo Picasso
"Patience has its limits - take it too far and its cowardice." — George Jackson
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction." — Blaise Pascal
If you take something away from users, they'll sneak it in the back way.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease" — R. D. Laing
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." — James Branch Cabell
Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
"There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves." — Bill Hicks
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." — Winston Churchill
Come to the dark side - we have cookies.
"I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account." — Conan O'Brien
"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." — Jimmy Carter
"Programmers never die. They just become legacy." — epsilona01
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored." — Evelyn Waugh
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." — Bill Hicks
You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." — Woody Allen
"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." — Mark Twain
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." — Oscar Wilde
"All programmers are optimists." — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Don't look unless you're prepared to see.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
Let's play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." — Henry Ford
"Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity." — Hanlon’s razor
"Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities." — Lord Dunsany
To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
XML is like violence. If it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it.
People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it's true.
If it can go wrong it probably already has.
Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
Whatever happens, ignore it all.
Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I don't care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
To be is to do - Socrates, To do is to be - Sartre, Do be do be do - Sinatra
Don't follow me, I'm lost too.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
To err is hunam.
"Everybody has a plan, 'till they get hit." — Mike Tyson
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." — Charles, Count Talleyrand
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." — Rita Mae Brown
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" — Edgar Bergen
"Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime." — Michael Sinz
"If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that's one less lie I'll have to tell later." — Dave Dunseath
Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
It's better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
Does the noise in my head bother you?
Monday is the root of all evil.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look when you play the game.
I'm not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck." — Joss Whedon
Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
You don't learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
I only drink to make other people more sociable.
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0.
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same." — Jonathan Davis
There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your ass.
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
"Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds." — Albert Einstein
Only users lose drugs.
Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them." — Johann von Neumann
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." — Fred Allen
If we don't protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
Half the people you know are below average.
"A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience." — Doug Larson
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows ME.
No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
"Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." — Heinlein
The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
"Between two evils always pick the one you haven't tried." — Mae West
99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
There are two types of people - those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
There are three types of people - those who can count and those who can't.
No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Send lawyers, guns and money!
Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
Trying is failing with honors.
"Never waste a lie when the truth will do." — Jack Clancy
Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving.
"I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" — Tom Clancy
We found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all along.
Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." — Peter Kaye
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." — Thomas Jones
If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing.
Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
Frog blast the vent core!
Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
It's people that give drinking a bad name.
Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
I'm not paranoid, they really are after me.
There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
I have a strong will but a weak won't.
If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
Learn from my parent's mistake. Don't have kids!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You're just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You don't have to explain something you never said.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
"You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." — Mae West
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Welcome what you can't avoid.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left." — George Bernard Shaw
Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected.
Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about its friends.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
Tracers work both ways.
Too much of everything is just enough.
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful." — Mae West
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To generalize is to be an idiot.
"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. " — Benjamin Franklin
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
Think much, Speak little, Write less.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There is no time like the pleasant.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The revolution will not be televised.
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." — Edmund Burke
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
The only certain thing in life is death.
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
The future will be better tomorrow.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The best things in life aren't things.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Killer Ducks are coming!
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Sure, when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!
Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Spelling is a lossed art.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go." — Oscar Wilde
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." — Fletcher Knebel
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
Rehab is for quitters.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in." — H. R. Haldeman
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Not all men are fools... Some are bachelors.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
No-one suspects the butterfly!
No good deed goes unpunished.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right." — Isaac Asimov
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer." — Erik Naggum
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lunix. Because I'm better than you.
Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Life's a bleach and then you dye.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." — John Lennon
Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don't complain about the draught.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
"It's like deja vu all over again." — Yogi Berra
It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." — Mark Twain
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." — Winston Churchill
If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." — Laurence J. Peter
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita's, cause that's what he's getting.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." — Abraham Maslow
If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
"If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing." — Anatole France
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I prefer old age to the alternative.
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I can't spell and beer doesn't help.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand." — Confucius
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
God will forgive me. That's his job, after all.
God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." — Voltaire
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
"Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen." — Bob Marley
For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
"For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong." — H.L. Mencken
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
Failure teaches success.
F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
"Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes." — Oscar Wilde
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
Examine what is said, not who speaks.
Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Every solution breeds new problems.
"Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty." — Stanislaw J. Lec
Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later).
Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." — Pablo Picasso
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Clones are people two.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
Biology grows on you.
Better late than really late.
Best viewed on my computer.
Beer - the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be naughty - save santa the trip.
Be good; if you can't be good, have fun.
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
Attitude determines your altitude.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
"A witty saying proves nothing." — Voltaire
A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
"A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." — Joseph Stalin
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
A good pun is its own reword.
A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
A bad plan is better than no plan.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

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