This is the complete listing of all the one-liners you see on the top bottom of the page. Do you know a good one-liner that’s not listed here? Please send it to me.

  1. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
  2. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
  3. 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
  4. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
  5. A bad plan is better than no plan.
  6. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  7. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  8. A beautiful relationship does not depend upon how good we understand someone but on how well we avoid misunderstandings.
  9. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx
  10. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. — Bill Vaughan
  11. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
  12. A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
  13. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips
  14. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  15. A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits. — Woodrow Wilson
  16. A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others. — Ayn Rand
  17. A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. — Oscar Wilde
  18. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  19. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
  20. A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it. — George W. Bush
  21. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost
  22. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  23. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
  24. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. — George Carlin
  25. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  26. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
  27. A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself — Jim Morrison
  28. A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future. — Robert A. Heinlein
  29. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
  30. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
  31. A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at. — Bruce Lee
  32. A good pun is its own reword.
  33. A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. — Lao Tzu
  34. A harmful truth is better than a useful lie. — Thomas Mann
  35. A jug fills drop by drop. — Buddha
  36. A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. — Robert Frost
  37. A leader leads by example not by force. — Sun Tzu
  38. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
  39. A lie told often enough becomes the truth. — Vladimir Lenin
  40. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. — George Bernhard Shaw
  41. A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth. — George Bernard Shaw
  42. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
  43. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
  44. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
  45. A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience. — Doug Larson
  46. A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
  47. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
  48. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
  49. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
  50. A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. — Albert Einstein
  51. A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  52. A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
  53. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. — Herm Albright
  54. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  55. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
  56. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
  57. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. — Joseph Stalin
  58. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
  59. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  60. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
  61. A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. — Oscar Wilde
  62. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  63. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
  64. A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
  65. A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. — Bruce Lee
  66. A witty saying proves nothing. — Voltaire
  67. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. — Mae West
  68. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. — Bill Cosby
  69. A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army. — Orson Welles
  70. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. — Herbert Hoover
  71. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember. — Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo
  72. According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
  73. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
  74. Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. — Mary Pickford
  75. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
  76. Adult: One old enough to know better.
  77. Advertising is legalized lying. — H.G. Wells
  78. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
  79. Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
  80. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
  81. Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
  82. All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
  83. All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
  84. All programmers are optimists. — Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
  85. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  86. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
  87. All warfare is based on deception. — Sun Tzu
  88. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
  89. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  90. Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. — Damian Conway
  91. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. — Oscar Wilde
  92. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  93. Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
  94. An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
  95. An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
  96. An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
  97. An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. — Albert Einstein
  98. An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. — Mohandas Gandhi
  99. An ideal form of government is Democracy tempered with assassination. — Voltaire
  100. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
  101. Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
  102. Any fool can know. The point is to understand. — Albert Einstein
  103. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. — Red Skelton
  104. Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. — Cicero
  105. Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy. — Dwight Eisenhower
  106. Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
  107. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
  108. Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
  109. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
  110. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Voltaire
  111. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. — Mae West
  112. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  113. Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
  114. Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
  115. Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
  116. Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
  117. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  118. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  119. As our case is new, we must think anew. — Abraham Lincoln
  120. As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. — Goethe
  121. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
  122. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
  123. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. — Ann Landers
  124. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  125. Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
  126. Attitude determines your altitude.
  127. Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
  128. Bad spellers of the world untie!
  129. Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
  130. Batteries not included.
  131. Be an optimist–at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy.
  132. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. — Mark Twain
  133. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
  134. Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
  135. Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
  136. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. — Plato
  137. Be naughty – save santa the trip.
  138. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates
  139. Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll need them on your way down. — Wilson Mizner
  140. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  141. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  142. Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing. — Benjamin Franklin
  143. Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. — Oscar Wilde
  144. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  145. Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
  146. Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
  147. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? — George Carlin
  148. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
  149. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  150. Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus. — Ozzy Osbourne
  151. Best viewed on my computer.
  152. Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. — Confucius
  153. Better late than really late.
  154. Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. — Buddha
  155. Better three hours too soon than a minute too late. — William Shakespeare
  156. Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried. — Mae West
  157. Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. — Stanislaw Lec
  158. Biology grows on you.
  159. Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
  160. Boards don’t hit back. — Bruce Lee
  161. Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute. — George Bernard Shaw
  162. Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. — Kin Hubbard
  163. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  164. By definition, as a Prime Minister I cannot be a liar. — Silvio Berlusconi
  165. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. — Charles Wadsworth
  166. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost
  167. Call it what you will, incentives are what get people to work harder. — Nikia Khruschev
  168. Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot. — Vladimir Lenin
  169. Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
  170. Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
  171. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  172. Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
  173. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  174. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
  175. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
  176. Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life. — Confucius
  177. Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. — Henry Ford
  178. Clones are people two.
  179. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain
  180. Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
  181. Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money. — Robin Williams
  182. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
  183. College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
  184. Come to the dark side – we have cookies.
  185. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. — Peter Ustinov
  186. Common sense is not so common. — Voltaire
  187. Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient. — James Russel Lowell
  188. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. — Pablo Picasso
  189. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. — H. L. Mencken
  190. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  191. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  192. Could be worse… I could be Sting. — Ozzy Osbourne
  193. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
  194. Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
  195. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. — Ambrose Redmoon
  196. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear. — Mark Twain
  197. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. — Ken Ndaru
  198. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
  199. Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
  200. Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
  201. Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight. — Yogi Berra
  202. Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
  203. Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind. — Bruce Lee
  204. Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
  205. Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs
  206. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  207. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
  208. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments. — Jim Rohn
  209. Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
  210. Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
  211. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  212. Does the noise in my head bother you?
  213. Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
  214. Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
  215. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  216. Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
  217. Don’t believe everything you think.
  218. Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius
  219. Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
  220. Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile. — Mae West
  221. Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
  222. Don’t judge a book by its movie.
  223. Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. — Mae West
  224. Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life. — John Wooden
  225. Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
  226. Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
  227. Don’t mistake activity for achievement. — John Wooden
  228. Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
  229. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  230. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  231. Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
  232. Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
  233. Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. — Brandt Paul
  234. Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
  235. Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  236. Drive defensively – buy a tank.
  237. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
  238. Dyslexics have more fnu.
  239. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  240. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. — Benjamin Franklin
  241. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
  242. Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
  243. Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
  244. Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
  245. Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
  246. Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
  247. Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
  248. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
  249. Either you run the day or the day runs you. — Jim Rohn
  250. Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
  251. Elevators smell different to midgets.
  252. Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. — Goethe
  253. Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
  254. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
  255. Even a paranoid can have enemies. — Henry Kissinger
  256. Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
  257. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  258. Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
  259. Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
  260. Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. — Voltaire
  261. Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty. — Stanislaw J. Lec
  262. Every solution breeds new problems.
  263. Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit. — Mike Tyson
  264. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. — Will Rogers
  265. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
  266. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
  267. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
  268. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
  269. Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
  270. Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield
  271. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. — Leo Tolstoy
  272. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
  273. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
  274. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright
  275. Examine what is said, not who speaks.
  276. Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
  277. Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
  278. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  279. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  280. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — Franklin P. Jones
  281. Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. — Oscar Wilde
  282. F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
  283. Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
  284. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
  285. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. — Henry Ford
  286. Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved. — Lao Tzu
  287. Failure teaches success.
  288. Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.
  289. Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind. — Dale Carnegie
  290. Fear is the foundation of most governments. — John Adams
  291. Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. — Doug Larson
  292. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
  293. Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
  294. Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
  295. First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure. — Mark Twain
  296. First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
  297. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams
  298. Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. — Cathy Guisewite
  299. For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
  300. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  301. For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  302. For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  303. For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong. — H.L. Mencken
  304. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
  305. Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy
  306. Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. — Bob Marley
  307. Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
  308. Friendly fire – isn’t.
  309. Friends are nothing but a known enemy. — Kurt Cobain
  310. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  311. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones
  312. Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
  313. Frog blast the vent core!
  314. Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
  315. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. — Mark Twain
  316. Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
  317. Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
  318. Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. — Mark Twain
  319. Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
  320. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire
  321. God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
  322. God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
  323. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  324. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  325. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  326. Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
  327. Governments never learn. Only people learn. — Milton Friedman
  328. Gravity always gets me down.
  329. Gravity always gets me down.
  330. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
  331. Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. — Albert Einstein
  332. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
  333. Half the people you know are below average.
  334. Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. — Dalai Lama
  335. Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.
  336. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
  337. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? — Edgar Bergen
  338. Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it. — Salvador Dali
  339. He that can have patience can have what he will. — Benjamin Franklin
  340. He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. — Lao Tzu
  341. He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
  342. He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  343. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  344. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  345. He, who doesn\’t hope to win has already lost. — Simon Bolivar
  346. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. — Confucius
  347. Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something. — Thomas Alva Edison
  348. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  349. Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
  350. Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  351. Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
  352. History has shown there are no invincible armies. — Joseph Stalin
  353. History is a set of lies agreed upon. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  354. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
  355. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
  356. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  357. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  358. How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time. — Fred Brooks
  359. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  360. How is it possible to have a civil war?
  361. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  362. I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. — Pablo Picasso
  363. I am an Environmentalist. … I am for clean air. — Ronald Reagan
  364. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W. C. Fields
  365. I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. — Socrates
  366. I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
  367. I am the captain of my soul. — Nelson Mandela
  368. I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. — Stephen King
  369. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  370. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
  371. I bet you I could stop gambling.
  372. I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. — Warren Buffett
  373. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  374. I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde
  375. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
  376. I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
  377. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  378. I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. — Benjamin Franklin
  379. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  380. I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.
  381. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  382. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
  383. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  384. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. — Voltaire
  385. I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better. — Abraham Lincoln
  386. I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. — Bill Hicks
  387. I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
  388. I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say. — Marshall McLuhan
  389. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. — Stephen Fry
  390. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t snort, and I don’t gamble. I do lie a little bit though. — Tim Maia
  391. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  392. I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde
  393. I don\’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
  394. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx
  395. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  396. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
  397. I drink to make other people interesting.
  398. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  399. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. — Mae West
  400. I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account. — Conan O’Brien
  401. I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
  402. I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
  403. I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. — James G. Bennet
  404. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. — Thomas Alva Edison
  405. I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it. — Groucho Marx
  406. I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter
  407. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  408. I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx
  409. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Wright
  410. I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough? — Tom Clancy
  411. I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. — Albert Einstein
  412. I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
  413. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen
  414. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  415. I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up. — Shmuel Breban
  416. I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. — Nancy Mitford
  417. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. — Douglas Adams
  418. I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. — Voltaire
  419. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
  420. I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. — Thomas Alva Edison
  421. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W. C. Fields
  422. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it. — W. C. Fields
  423. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx
  424. I never said most of the things I said. — Yogi Berra
  425. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
  426. I only drink to make other people more sociable.
  427. I prefer old age to the alternative.
  428. I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom. — Anatole France
  429. I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. — Stewart Francis
  430. I quote people to better express myself.
  431. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  432. I sink, therefore I swam.
  433. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. — Seasick Steve
  434. I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
  435. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. — Peter Kaye
  436. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  437. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
  438. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
  439. I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow. — Woodrow Wilson
  440. I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
  441. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I\’m not too sure.
  442. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen. — Robert Mugabe
  443. I was only an aspiring dictator. I was never a real dictator. — Augusto Pinochet
  444. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
  445. I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and never his prescription? — Finley Peter Dunne
  446. I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
  447. I wouldn’t touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.
  448. I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
  449. I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
  450. I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money. — Pablo Picasso
  451. I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. — Kurt Cobain
  452. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
  453. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. — Mae West
  454. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
  455. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  456. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  457. I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience. — R. Buckminster Fuller
  458. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
  459. I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV. — David Recksiek
  460. I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
  461. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
  462. I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
  463. I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you — Friedrich Nietzsche
  464. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
  465. I’ve been called worse things by better people. — Pierre Trudeau
  466. I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time. — Marilyn Monroe
  467. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
  468. If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
  469. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
  470. If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right. — Mae West
  471. If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
  472. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  473. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
  474. If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
  475. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  476. If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
  477. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  478. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
  479. If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
  480. If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
  481. If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
  482. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  483. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  484. If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
  485. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
  486. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  487. If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  488. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? — George Carlin
  489. If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
  490. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  491. If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport. — George Winters
  492. If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
  493. If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  494. If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself. — Kris Kristofferson
  495. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
  496. If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer. — Mobutu Sese Seko
  497. If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
  498. If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later. — Dave Dunseath
  499. If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
  500. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  501. If it can go wrong it probably already has.
  502. If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all. — Rodney Dangerfield
  503. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
  504. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  505. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
  506. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  507. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
  508. If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  509. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you\’re ahead”?
  510. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
  511. If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
  512. If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
  513. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  514. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. — Laurence J. Peter
  515. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  516. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
  517. If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
  518. If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
  519. If we don’t end war, war will end us. — H.G. Wells
  520. If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy
  521. If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
  522. If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. — Robin Williams
  523. If you are going through hell, keep going. — Winston Churchill
  524. If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
  525. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
  526. If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much. — Donald H. Rumsfeld
  527. If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary. — Jim Rohn
  528. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  529. If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
  530. If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
  531. If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one. — Mother Teresa
  532. If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
  533. If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good. — Bill Gates
  534. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
  535. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  536. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  537. If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
  538. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. — Sam Levenson
  539. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
  540. If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
  541. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
  542. If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today. — Bruce Lee
  543. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
  544. If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
  545. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  546. If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
  547. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  548. If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
  549. If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
  550. If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.
  551. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. — Mark Twain
  552. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
  553. If you think nobody cares if you\’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  554. If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
  555. If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
  556. If you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to expect a few blisters. — Dear Abby
  557. If you want to make enemies, try to change something. — Woodrow Wilson
  558. If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.
  559. If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority. — Yugoslav proverb
  560. If you’re happy, you’re successful.
  561. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  562. If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
  563. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. — Stan Levenson
  564. Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
  565. In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
  566. In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
  567. In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. — Johann von Neumann
  568. In my country we go to prison first and then become President. — Nelson Mandela
  569. In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. — Charles, Count Talleyrand
  570. In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, it was planned that way. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  571. In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
  572. In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher. — Dalai Lama
  573. In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. — John Lilly
  574. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin
  575. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. — Martin Luther King, Jr.
  576. Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. — Steve Jobs
  577. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. — Rita Mae Brown
  578. Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. — Albert Einstein
  579. Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
  580. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  581. It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. — W. C. Fields
  582. It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
  583. It doesn’t matter what is true, it only matters what people believe is true. — Paul Watson
  584. It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. — Albert Einstein
  585. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  586. It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. — Charles Darwin
  587. It is always brave to say what everyone thinks. — Georges Duhamel
  588. It is better to be alone than in bad company. — George Washington
  589. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. — Oscar Wilde
  590. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
  591. It is better to own 10% of an elephant than 100% of a rat. — Arthur Mutambara
  592. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  593. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. — Voltaire
  594. It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  595. It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  596. It is only the dead who have seen the end of war. — Plato
  597. It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
  598. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  599. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. — Jack Handy
  600. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. — Steven Wright
  601. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
  602. It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
  603. It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
  604. It’s like deja vu all over again. — Yogi Berra
  605. It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. — Ashleigh Brilliant
  606. It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required. — Winston Churchill
  607. It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
  608. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen
  609. It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. — Lou Holtz
  610. It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble; it’s the things we do know that ain’t so. — Will Rogers
  611. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
  612. It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.
  613. It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
  614. It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
  615. I\’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield
  616. I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
  617. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  618. Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
  619. Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are. — Benjamin Franklin
  620. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  621. Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right. — Theodore Roosevelt
  622. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  623. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. — Jimi Hendrix
  624. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  625. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
  626. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
  627. Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
  628. Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
  629. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
  630. Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
  631. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  632. Leisure is being allowed to do nothing. — G.K. Chesterton
  633. Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. — Göthe
  634. Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches. — Mohammed Reza Pahlavi
  635. Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
  636. Life exists for no known purpose.
  637. Life is a sexually transmitted disease — R. D. Laing
  638. Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
  639. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. — John Wayne
  640. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. — Isaac Asimov
  641. Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon
  642. Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. — George Bernard Shaw
  643. Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
  644. Life’s a bitch, because if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
  645. Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
  646. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  647. Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
  648. Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
  649. Listen if you want to be heard. — John Wooden
  650. Live simply so other may simply live. — Mother Teresa
  651. Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
  652. Logic is in the eye of the logician.
  653. Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. — Lord Dunsany
  654. Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. — George Burns
  655. Looks capture the eyes. Personality captures the heart.
  656. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  657. Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it. — Dr. Karl Menninger
  658. Love is a serious mental disease. — Plato
  659. Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
  660. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  661. Love the life you live. Live the life you love. — Bob Marley
  662. Lunix… Because i’m better than you.
  663. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  664. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
  665. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  666. Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. — John F. Kennedy
  667. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  668. Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. — Mae West.
  669. Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
  670. Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
  671. Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
  672. Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
  673. Maths and alcohol don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive.
  674. Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
  675. Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
  676. Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  677. Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  678. Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction. — Blaise Pascal
  679. Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer. — Erik Naggum
  680. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  681. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. — Groucho Marx
  682. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  683. Monday is the root of all evil.
  684. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  685. Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
  686. Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty. — Leo Rosten
  687. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. — Christopher Marlowe
  688. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
  689. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
  690. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. — Bill Vaughan
  691. Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible. — Dale Carnegie
  692. Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
  693. Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy. — Robert Anthony
  694. Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
  695. Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure!
  696. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
  697. My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed. — Shmuel Breban
  698. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. — Benjamin Disraeli
  699. My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot. — Ashleigh Brilliant
  700. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. — Woody Allen
  701. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  702. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  703. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. — Mike Myers
  704. My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. — George Bernhard Shaw
  705. Name of the greatest inventor. Accident. — Mark Twain
  706. Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
  707. Never buy a car you can’t push.
  708. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
  709. Never eat yellow snow.
  710. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  711. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
  712. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
  713. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  714. Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
  715. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. — Isaac Asimov
  716. Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.
  717. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain
  718. Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
  719. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  720. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
  721. Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
  722. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  723. Never was anything great achieved without danger. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  724. Never waste a lie when the truth will do. — Jack Clancy
  725. Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
  726. Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. — Henry A. Kissinger
  727. No good deed goes unpunished.
  728. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  729. No leader can be too far ahead of his followers. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  730. No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
  731. No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to. — Lynn Johnston
  732. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  733. No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
  734. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  735. No-one suspects the butterfly!
  736. Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.
  737. Nostalgia is the realization that things weren’t as unbearable as they seemed at the time.
  738. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  739. Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
  740. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  741. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
  742. Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. — Henry Ford
  743. Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
  744. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  745. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
  746. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. — Ozzy Osbourne
  747. Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.
  748. Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
  749. Of what good is democracy if it is not for the poor? — Ferdinand Marcos
  750. Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
  751. Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
  752. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
  753. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  754. Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
  755. Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore. — Chet Atkins
  756. One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. — Bob Marley
  757. One kind word can warm three winter months. — Japanese proverb
  758. One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. Numbers sanctify, my good fellow. — Charlie Chaplin
  759. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. — Plato
  760. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  761. One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
  762. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  763. Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. — Pablo Picasso
  764. Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
  765. Only users lose drugs.
  766. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. — Dalai Lama
  767. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  768. Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.
  769. Opportunities multiply as they are seized. — Sun Tzu
  770. Optimist: Someone without much experience.
  771. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. — Laurence J. Peter
  772. Our true nationality is mankind. — H.G. Wells
  773. Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur. — Milton Jones
  774. Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice. — George Jackson
  775. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. — Bill McGlashen
  776. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. — Albert Einstein
  777. People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
  778. People laughed when I said I’d become a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse
  779. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  780. People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. — George Bernhard Shaw
  781. People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
  782. Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
  783. Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it. — Richard Feynman
  784. Plan to be early, because you’ll always end up late.
  785. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  786. Politics have no relation to morals. — Niccolo Machiavelli
  787. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx
  788. Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither. — Saddam Hussein
  789. Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
  790. Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. — Warren Buffett
  791. Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them. — Demonax
  792. Programmers never die. They just become legacy. — epsilona01
  793. Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime. — Michael Sinz
  794. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. — Robert A. Heinlein
  795. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  796. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. — Evelyn Waugh
  797. Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
  798. Quitting is leading, too. — Nelson Mandela
  799. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
  800. Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. — Joseph Addison
  801. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
  802. Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
  803. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. — Ronald Reagan
  804. Rehab is for quitters.
  805. Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
  806. Religion is the Opium for the masses. — Karl Marx
  807. Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. — Joss Whedon
  808. Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.
  809. Revolutions are frightening, but election campaigns are disgusting. — Nicolas Gomez Davila
  810. Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
  811. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. — Oscar Levant
  812. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  813. Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
  814. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
  815. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  816. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. — Robin Williams
  817. Send lawyers, guns and money!
  818. Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
  819. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
  820. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
  821. Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
  822. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  823. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
  824. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel
  825. So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy. — Dalai Lama
  826. Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
  827. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. — Oscar Wilde
  828. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  829. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  830. Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet. — Bob Marley
  831. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  832. Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
  833. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  834. Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
  835. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  836. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  837. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. — Jerry Seinfeld
  838. Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
  839. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. — Ambrose Bierce
  840. Spelling is a lossed art.
  841. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  842. Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
  843. Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in. — Leonardo da Vinci
  844. Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. — Heinlein
  845. Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn. — Orson Welles
  846. Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose. — Bill Gates
  847. Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. — Abraham Lincoln
  848. Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
  849. Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
  850. Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.
  851. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
  852. Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get. — George Bernard Shaw
  853. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
  854. Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! — W. C. Fields
  855. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
  856. Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
  857. The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
  858. The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. — Cousin Woodman
  859. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  860. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. — Winston Churchill
  861. The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. — Sandy Cooley
  862. The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them will win. — Will Rogers
  863. The best things in life aren’t things.
  864. The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  865. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. — Brendan Behan
  866. The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  867. The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. — Bill Gates
  868. The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker
  869. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. — Albert Einstein
  870. The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
  871. The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
  872. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
  873. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  874. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  875. The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
  876. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers
  877. The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. — Maya Angelou
  878. The future will be better tomorrow.
  879. The great thing about Democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid. — Art Spander
  880. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. — David Russell
  881. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  882. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. — George Jessel
  883. The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves. — Henry Kissinger
  884. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
  885. The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering. — Bruce Lee
  886. The Killer Ducks are coming!
  887. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
  888. The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  889. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  890. The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
  891. The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
  892. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. — Robert Bloch
  893. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
  894. The mind is everything. What you think you become. — Buddha
  895. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  896. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’ — Isaac Asimov
  897. The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. — Ann Landers
  898. The older I get, the smarter my Dad gets. — Mark Twain
  899. The only certain thing in life is death.
  900. The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
  901. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. — Al McGuire
  902. The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. — Henry Ford
  903. The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
  904. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. — Paul Fix
  905. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  906. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke
  907. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller
  908. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
  909. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
  910. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell
  911. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. — Mary Pickford
  912. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
  913. The police belongs to the people and the people belong to the police. — Todor Zhivkov
  914. The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
  915. The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. — Oscar Wilde
  916. The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. — Pablo Picasso
  917. The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run. — Theodore Roosevelt
  918. The regime is afraid of the people because it knows that free and fair elections will bring about its end. — Viktor Yushchenko
  919. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
  920. The revolution will not be televised.
  921. The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
  922. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  923. The road to a friends house is never long.
  924. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  925. The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends. — Cicero
  926. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  927. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  928. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  929. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  930. The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
  931. The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
  932. The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
  933. The time is always right to do the right thing. — Martin Luther King
  934. The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
  935. The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. — Buddha
  936. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
  937. The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win. — Leonid Brezhnev
  938. The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
  939. The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching. — John Wooden
  940. The truth is more important than the facts. — Frank Lloyd Wright
  941. The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
  942. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  943. The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
  944. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin
  945. There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
  946. There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts. — Charles Dickens
  947. There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
  948. There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  949. There are no facts, only interpretations. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  950. There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
  951. There are no traffic jams on the extra mile. — Zig Ziglar
  952. There are only two things wrong with money: Too much or too little. — Charles Bukowski
  953. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
  954. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
  955. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. — Warren Buffett
  956. There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
  957. There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
  958. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  959. There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson
  960. There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
  961. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. — Henry Kissinger
  962. There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.
  963. There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path. — Buddha
  964. There is no such thing as a former KGB man. — Vladimir Putin
  965. There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
  966. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
  967. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. — Bill Hicks
  968. There is no time like the pleasant.
  969. There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate. — Charles Dickens
  970. There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart. — Charles Dickens
  971. There was never a bad peace or a good war. — Benjamin Franklin
  972. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  973. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  974. There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. — Kevin James
  975. There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots. — Mark Rasch
  976. There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly. — R. Buckminster Fuller
  977. There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house. — Joe Ryan
  978. There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
  979. They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
  980. They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
  981. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
  982. They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
  983. Think much, Speak little, Write less.
  984. Think things through before you’re through thinking.
  985. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
  986. This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
  987. This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
  988. This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
  989. This year – a factory of semiconductors. Next year – a factory of whole conductors! — Todor Zhivkov
  990. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others. — Groucho Marx
  991. Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
  992. Those who can not change their minds can not change anything. — George Bernhard Shaw
  993. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin
  994. Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach. — Aristotle
  995. Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything. — Joseph Stalin
  996. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  997. Thought is free. — William Shakespeare
  998. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. — Benjamin Franklin
  999. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
  1000. Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
  1001. Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. — John Lennon
  1002. To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
  1003. To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic. — Pablo Picasso
  1004. To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1005. To err is human, to arr is pirate.
  1006. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
  1007. To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
  1008. To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
  1009. To err is hunam.
  1010. To generalize is to be an idiot.
  1011. To lead the people, walk behind them. — Lao Tzu
  1012. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. — Oscar Wilde
  1013. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  1014. To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
  1015. To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen
  1016. Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
  1017. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  1018. Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
  1019. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
  1020. Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
  1021. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. — Mae West
  1022. Too much of everything is just enough.
  1023. Tracers work both ways.
  1024. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
  1025. Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us. — Henri Frédéric Amie
  1026. Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away. — Elvis Presley
  1027. Trying is failing with honors.
  1028. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
  1029. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did. — Mark Twain
  1030. Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying. — Arthur C. Clarke
  1031. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
  1032. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.
  1033. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
  1034. Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite. — John Kenneth Galbraith
  1035. Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.
  1036. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  1037. Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. — C. S. Lewis
  1038. Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
  1039. Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  1040. Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
  1041. Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
  1042. Vision without execution is just hallucination. — Henry Ford
  1043. Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are. — Kurt Cobain
  1044. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. — George Bernard Shaw
  1045. Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  1046. Wasting time is an important part of living.
  1047. We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
  1048. We are not expelling the journalists but they are free to leave whenever they want. — Charles Taylor
  1049. We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. — Anais Nin
  1050. We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
  1051. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  1052. We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools. — Martin Luther King
  1053. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  1054. Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
  1055. Welcome what you can’t avoid.
  1056. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  1057. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
  1058. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  1059. What one has to do usually can be done. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1060. What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
  1061. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
  1062. Whatever happens, ignore it all.
  1063. When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one. — Friedrich Nietzsche
  1064. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  1065. When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.
  1066. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  1067. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  1068. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
  1069. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. — Jack Handey
  1070. When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner
  1071. When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
  1072. When in doubt empty the magazine.
  1073. When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
  1074. When in doubt, mumble.
  1075. When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
  1076. When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. — Sigmund Freud
  1077. When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
  1078. When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
  1079. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  1080. When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser. — Socrates
  1081. When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
  1082. When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace. — Jimi Hendrix
  1083. When the well’s dry, we know the worth of water. — Ben Franklin
  1084. When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
  1085. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  1086. When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  1087. When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
  1088. When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. — Theodore Roosevelt
  1089. When you’re through changing, you’re through. — Bruce Barton
  1090. Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
  1091. Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
  1092. Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right. — Henry Ford
  1093. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
  1094. While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
  1095. Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
  1096. Whoever controls the media controls the mind. — Jim Morrison
  1097. Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain. — Vladimir Putin
  1098. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
  1099. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
  1100. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
  1101. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? — Robin Williams
  1102. Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
  1103. Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
  1104. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  1105. Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? — Barbra Streisand
  1106. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  1107. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  1108. Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
  1109. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. — Benjamin Franklin
  1110. Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think. — Lou Holtz
  1111. Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
  1112. With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
  1113. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  1114. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  1115. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. — Marilyn Monroe
  1116. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
  1117. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
  1118. Work is the curse of the drinking class.
  1119. Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
  1120. Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
  1121. Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
  1122. XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.
  1123. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx
  1124. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1125. Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  1126. You always admire what you really don’t understand. — Eleanor Roosevelt
  1127. You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
  1128. You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
  1129. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
  1130. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. — Goethe
  1131. You can observe a lot just by watching.
  1132. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. — Mae West
  1133. You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
  1134. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
  1135. You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. — Napoleon Bonaparte
  1136. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  1137. You don’t have to explain something you never said.
  1138. You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
  1139. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. — Winston Churchill
  1140. You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same. — Jonathan Davis
  1141. You may delay, but Time will not. — Benjamin Franklin
  1142. You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. — Margaret Thatcher
  1143. You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place. — Vladimir Putin
  1144. You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. — Dale Carnegie
  1145. You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. — Harry S. Truman
  1146. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
  1147. You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
  1148. You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
  1149. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  1150. You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  1151. You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
  1152. Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. — Bill Gates
  1153. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

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    Last modified: June 15, 2013 at 18:04 CET