This is the complete listing of all the one-liners you see on the
top bottom of the page. Do you know a good one-liner that’s not listed here? Please send it to me.
- “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
- “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except when you’re at a funeral.
- 43% of all statistics are worthless.
- 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.
- 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
- 70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
- 90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
- 90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.
- 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
- A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
- A bad plan is better than no plan.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.— Bob Hope
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- A beautiful relationship does not depend upon how good we understand someone but on how well we avoid misunderstandings.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.— Groucho Marx
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.— Bill Vaughan
- A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
- A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.— Emo Philips
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks. Mostly sits.— Woodrow Wilson
- A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.— Ayn Rand
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing.— Oscar Wilde
- A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
- A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it.— George W. Bush
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.— Robert Frost
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.— George Carlin
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself— Jim Morrison
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.— Elbert Hubbard
A generation which ignores history has no past – and no future.— Robert A. Heinlein
- A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.
- A gentleman is a patient wolf.
A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often servers simply as something to aim at.— Bruce Lee
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.— Doug Linder
- A good pun is its own reword.
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.— Lao Tzu
- A group of owls is called a parliament, which is strange because owls are quite intelligent.
- A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
A harmful truth is better than a useful lie.— Thomas Mann
A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.— Rich Hall
A jug fills drop by drop.— Buddha
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.— Robert Frost
A language that doesn’t affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.— Alan J. Perlis
A leader leads by example not by force.— Sun Tzu
- A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once.
- A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.— Winston Churchill
A lie told often enough becomes the truth.— Vladimir Lenin
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.— George Bernhard Shaw
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.— George Bernard Shaw
- A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.
- A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
- A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
- A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
A lot of people mistake a short memory with a clear conscience.— Doug Larson
- A man of few words is usually married.
- A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
- A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
- A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
- A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.— Albert Einstein
A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.— Mark Twain
A politician divides mankind into two classes: Tools and enemies.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.— Herm Albright
A primary cause of complexity is that software vendors uncritically adopt almost any feature that users want.— Niklaus Wirth
A problem well stated is a problem half solved.— Charles Kettering
- A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
- A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
- A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
- A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.
- A sea of liquor can’t intoxicate me as much as a drop of you.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.— Joseph Stalin
- A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
- A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.— Oscar Wilde
- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
- A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
- A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.— Bruce Lee
A wise man talks because he has something to say; a fool talks because he has to say something.— Plato
A witty saying proves nothing.— Voltaire
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.— Mae West
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.— Bill Cosby
A writer needs a pen, a painter needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.— Orson Welles
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.— Herbert Hoover
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.— Dilbert
According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.— Vincent “Jimmy Blue Eyes” Alo
- According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.— Mary Pickford
- Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
- Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advertising is legalized lying.— H.G. Wells
- After all is said and done, more is said than done.
- Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.— Mark Twain
Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.— Muhammad Ali
- Airline just told my girlfriend she has too much baggage, and they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but then again, neither does milk.
- Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
- Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
- Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
- All generalisations are dangerous, even this one.
- All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
- All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
All programmers are optimists.— Frederick P. Brooks, Jr
- All the problems fade before a hangover.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All warfare is based on deception.— Sun Tzu
- All work and no play, will make you a manager.
- All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.— Charles M. Schulz
- Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.— W. C. Fields
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.— Damian Conway
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.— Oscar Wilde
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always make new mistakes.— Ester Dyson
- Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
- America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does having no medical insurance.
- An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
- An architect’s dream is an engineer’s nightmare.
- An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
- An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.— Albert Einstein
An escalator cannot break, it can only become stairs.— Mitch Hedberg
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.— Mohandas Gandhi
An ideal form of government is Democracy tempered with assassination.— Voltaire
An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.— Mahatma Gandhi
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.— Mark Twain
- Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
- Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
Any fool can know. The point is to understand.— Albert Einstein
- Any joke is a one-liner if the notebook you write it in is wide enough.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.— Red Skelton
Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.— Marcus Tullius Cicero
Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy.— Dwight Eisenhower
- Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
- Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
- Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
- Any woman can make mistakes, but only an idiot calls her out on them.
- Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
- Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
- Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.— Voltaire
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.— Mae West
- Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
- Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
- Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
- Archaeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
- Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
- Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey.— Ralph Waldo Emerson
- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As our case is new, we must think anew.— Abraham Lincoln
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.— Goethe
- Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
- Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.— Ann Landers
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
- Attitude determines your altitude.
- Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
- Bad choices often turn into good stories.
- Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
- Bad spellers of the world untie!
- Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
- Be a voice, not an echo.
- Be an optimist–at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.— Mark Twain
- Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
- Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
- Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.— Plato
- Be naughty – save santa the trip.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.— Bill Gates
Be nice to people on your way up because you’ll need them on your way down.— Wilson Mizner
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
- Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing.— Benjamin Franklin
Be the change you want to see in the world.— Mahatma Gandhi
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.— Bernard M. Baruch
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
- Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
- Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?— George Carlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.— Jim Carrey
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- Being a husband is like being a weatherman. You can be wrong 80% of the time and still hold onto your job.
- Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
- Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.
- Being in a relationship is the exhausting practice of ceaselessly trying to be more entertaining than a smart phone.
Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.— Ozzy Osbourne
- Best viewed on my computer.
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.— Confucius
- Better late than really late.
Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.— Buddha
Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.— William Shakespeare
Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.— Mae West
Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.— Stanislaw Lec
- Biology grows on you.
- Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.
Boards don’t hit back.— Bruce Lee
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute.— George Bernard Shaw
Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up.— Muhammad Ali
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.— Kin Hubbard
- Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
By definition, as a Prime Minister I cannot be a liar.— Silvio Berlusconi
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.— Confucius
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.— Charles Wadsworth
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.— Robert Frost
- Cake: The answer, no matter the question.
Call it what you will, incentives are what get people to work harder.— Nikia Khruschev
- Call me a hoarder all you want, but there’s over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.
- Call me anything you want except early in the morning.
Can a nation be free if it oppresses other nations? It cannot.— Vladimir Lenin
- Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
- Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.— Norman Vincent Peale
- Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
- Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
- Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
- Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day in your life.— Confucius
Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice.— Henry Ford
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.— Spike Milligan
- Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.
- Clones are people two.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.— Mark Twain
- Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.— Robin Williams
- Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
- College is a fountain of knowledge…and the students are there to drink.
- Come to the dark side – we have cookies.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.— Peter Ustinov
Common sense is not so common.— Voltaire
- Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.
Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient.— James Russel Lowell
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.— Pablo Picasso
- Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.— H. L. Mencken
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Constipated people don’t give a crap.
- Continental breakfasts should be served on tectonic plates.
Could be worse… I could be Sting.— Ozzy Osbourne
- Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
- Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.— Ambrose Redmoon
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.— Mark Twain
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.— Ken Ndaru
- Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
- Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
- Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?— Sophia Benoit
- Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.— Yogi Berra
- Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around!
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- Dark humor is like love – not everyone gets it.
- Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
- Dear Santa. I realize I have a lot of explaining to do…
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.— Filipe Fortes
Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size.— Chris Wenham
Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind.— Bruce Lee
- Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works.— Steve Jobs
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.— Jim Rohn
- Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
- Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
- Do not attribute to malice what can as easily be attributed to stupidity.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Does the noise in my head bother you?
- Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
- Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn’t the definition of insanity it’s the definition of parenting.
- Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
- Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
- Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
- Don’t believe everything you think.
Don’t complain about the snow your your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.— Confucius
- Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened.
Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one might fall for your smile.— Mae West
- Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
- Don’t get burned twice on the same flame.
- Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don’t keep a man guessing for too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.— Mae West
Don’t let making a living prevent you from making a life.— John Wooden
- Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
- Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Don’t mistake activity for achievement.— John Wooden
- Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
- Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
- Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.— Brandt Paul
- Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
- Don’t underestimate my overreaction.
- Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
- Don’t worry about tomorrow’s problems, handle today’s first.
- Don’t be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
- Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Don’t count the days, make the days count.— Muhammad Ali
- Don’t give your heart to someone who needs a brain.
- Don’t let your loneliness drive you into the wrong arms.
- Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
- Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
- Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.— Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering
- Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
- Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Drive defensively – buy a tank.
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.— E. Joseph Cossman
- Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
- Dyslexics have more fnu.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.— Benjamin Franklin
- Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
- Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
- Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
- Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
- Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
- Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
- Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Either you run the day or the day runs you.— Jim Rohn
- Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
- Elevators smell different to midgets.
Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.— Goethe
- Enthusiasm can be like a fire that needs an occasional poke with a stick.
- Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
- Escalators don’t break down. They just turn into stairs.
Even a paranoid can have enemies.— Henry Kissinger
- Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.— Victor Hugo
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every great developer you know got there by solving problems they were unqualified to solve until they actually did it.— Patrick McKenzie
- Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.— Voltaire
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.— Stanislaw J. Lec
- Every solution breeds new problems.
Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.— Babe Ruth
Every time I think I’m weird I ride the NYC subway.— Harry Enten
Everybody has a plan, ’till they get hit.— Mike Tyson
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.— Will Rogers
- Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
- Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals.”
- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
- Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
- Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
- Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
- Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.— W. C. Fields
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.— Leo Tolstoy
- Everything in moderation, including moderation.
- Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
- Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
- Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.— Carl Gustav Jung
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.— Steven Wright
- Examine what is said, not who speaks.
- Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
- Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.— Franklin P. Jones
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.— Oscar Wilde
- Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
- F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
- Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.
- Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
- Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.— Henry Ford
Failure is success if we learn from it.— Malcolm Forbes
Failure is the foundation of success, and the means by which it is achieved.— Lao Tzu
- Failure teaches success.
- Faster hardware doesn’t solve business problems – unless the business problem is slow hardware.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.— Jon Stewart
Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.— Dale Carnegie
Fear is the foundation of most governments.— John Adams
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.— Doug Larson
- Few women admit their age; few men act it.
- Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
- Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure.— Mark Twain
- First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.— Muhammad Ali
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.— Douglas Adams
Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.— Abraham Lincoln
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.— Cathy Guisewite
- For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing.— Friedrich Nietzsche
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.— Ralph Waldo Emerson
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.— H.L. Mencken
- For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
- For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forgive you enemies, but never forget their names.— John F. Kennedy
- Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
- Found out today you cannot join a gym “just to watch”.
Free advice is worth the price.— Robert Half
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.— Bob Marley
- Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.
- Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
- Friendly fire – isn’t.
Friends are nothing but a known enemy.— Kurt Cobain
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.— Thomas Jones
- Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Frog blast the vent core!
- Gambling: The sure way to get nothing for something.
- Gee, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
- Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.— Mark Twain
- Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
- Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.— Mark Twain
- Goals are deceptive. The unaimed arrow never misses.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.— Voltaire
- God made us brothers, but Prozac made us friends.
- God will forgive me. That’s his job, after all.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.— Mark Twain
- Golf is what you play when you\’re too out of shape to play softball.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
- Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
- Good night, friends and enemies! Don’t forget that tonight you’re closer to death than you were this morning.
Good software, like good wine, takes time.— Joel Spolsky
- Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night.
Governments never learn. Only people learn.— Milton Friedman
- Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
- Gravity always gets me down.
- Gravity always gets me down.
- Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.— Albert Einstein
- Guilt is a dish best served by mom.
- Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.— Dalai Lama
- Happiness is something you decide on, not something that happens to you.
- Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.
- Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?— Edgar Bergen
Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.— Salvador Dali
- Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs.
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.— John Bright
He that can have patience can have what he will.— Benjamin Franklin
He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty.— Lao Tzu
- He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito.
He who has a why to live can bear with almost any who.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles away from the next exit.
He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life.— Muhammad Ali
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
He, who doesn’t hope to win has already lost.— Simon Bolivar
Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand.— Confucius
Hell, there are no rules here – we’re trying to accomplish something.— Thomas Alva Edison
- Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
- Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty girls?
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- Hey, I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s!
- Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don’t like pizza?
History has shown there are no invincible armies.— Joseph Stalin
History is a set of lies agreed upon.— Napoleon Bonaparte
- Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
- Honk if you like peace and quiet.
- Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.— Steve Bugeja
How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time.— Fred Brooks
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
- How long is a Chinese name.
Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.— Martin Mull
- I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then again dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
- I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.— Pablo Picasso
I am an Environmentalist. … I am for clean air.— Ronald Reagan
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.— W. C. Fields
I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world.— Socrates
- I am not single, I’m romantically challenged.
I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.— Mark Campbell
I am the captain of my soul.— Nelson Mandela
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.— Stephen King
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.— Emo Philips
- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
- I bet raccoons look at garbage trucks the same way I look at taco trucks.
- I bet you I could stop gambling.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.— Warren Buffett
- I called roadside assistance, but they didn’t want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car.
- I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can resist everything except temptation.— Oscar Wilde
- I can scramble Rubik’s Cube in under 5 seconds.
- I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself, but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
- I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
- I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
- I can’t spell and beer doesn’t help.
- I can’t tell if the zombie apocalypse has started or the office coffee maker is broken.
- I cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.— Benjamin Franklin
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I’ve written a long one instead.
- I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I don’t appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I’m imperfect.
- I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof!
- I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
- I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
- I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”.
I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.— Voltaire
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.— Bob Newheart
I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.— Abraham Lincoln
- I don’t make mistakes, I take alternative decisions.
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.— Bill Hicks
- I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.— Marshall McLuhan
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.— Stephen Fry
I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t snort, and I don’t gamble. I do lie a little bit though.— Tim Maia
- I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.— Oscar Wilde
- I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.— Groucho Marx
- I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
- I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot!
- I don’t like who I become when I have to get out of bed.
- I don’t need fun to have alcohol.
- I don’t use drugs. I am a drug.
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.— Sam Kinison
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
- I drink to make other people interesting.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task.
I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.— Stephen Bishop
I finally found my dream woman. She’s very hot, and nobody else can see her.— Ray Bryant
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.— Groucho Marx
I find that people who believe we might be living in a computer simulation tend to be people who I could imagine being simulated most easily by a computer.— Joi Ito
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.— Mae West
- I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
I had a show. Then I had a different show. Now I have a Twitter account.— Conan O’Brien
- I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
- I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.— Bill Murray
- I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM.
I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.— Nick Ross
- I have a strong will but a weak won’t.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.— Jackie Mason
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.— Ken Dodd
I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one.— James G. Bennet
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.— Clarence Darrow
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.— Thomas Alva Edison
I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of it.— Groucho Marx
I have nothing to declare except my genius.— Oscar Wilde
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.— Jimmy Carter
I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.— Winston Churchill
- I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
- I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
- I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.— Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.— Steven Wright
I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.— João Baptista de Oliveira Figueiredo
- I judge my day based on how many times I threaten to take my kids to the orphanage.
- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- I just assume I do everything wrong since I don’t have a wife to confirm it.
- I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
- I just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
- I just want to be rich enough that I can buy my furniture already assembled.
- I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
- I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.
I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?— Tom Clancy
I know not with what weapons World War II will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.— Albert Einstein
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.— Nelson Mandela
- I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.
- I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.— Fred Allen
- I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments.
I like what mechanics wear… overall.— Stewart Francis
I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it.— Robert E. Lee
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I live in a two-income household, but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.— Shmuel Breban
- I live in my own little world, but it’s OK, they know me here.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.— Nancy Mitford
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.— Douglas Adams
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.— Voltaire
- I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
- I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook.
- I need someone really bad! Are you really bad?
I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun.— Thomas Alva Edison
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.— W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do to it.— W. C. Fields
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.— Groucho Marx
I never said most of the things I said.— Yogi Berra
I never should have switched from scotch to martinis.— Humphrey Bogart
- I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.
- I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
- I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
- I only drink to make other people more sociable.
- I prefer old age to the alternative.
I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom.— Anatole France
- I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
- I put the “sexy” in Dyslexic.
- I put the deter in determination.
I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.— Stewart Francis
- I quote people to better express myself.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
- I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
- I return to work tomorrow with a child-like belief that this is the year people will think at least twice before hitting Reply All.
- I said I was good at making decisions. I didn’t say the decisions I made were good.
- I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.— Jimmy Carr
- I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
- I sink, therefore I swam.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.— Seasick Steve
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.— Peter Kaye
I think it’s better to feel good than to look good.— Tom Hanks
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.— Steven Wright
- I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
- I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
- I think, therefore I’m single.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
- I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.— Henny Youngman
- I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me.
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.— Woodrow Wilson
I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.— Alfie Moore
- I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
- I used to be sober. Now I’m an author.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to like whiskey. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been drunk.— Claude Williams
- I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
- I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife’s Bra. It was a booby trap.
I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen.— Robert Mugabe
- I want patience, and I want it now!
- I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
- I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I was only an aspiring dictator. I was never a real dictator.— Augusto Pinochet
- I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.— Woody Allen
- I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
- I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and never his prescription?— Finley Peter Dunne
- I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
- I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
- I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
- I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
- I wouldn’t touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.
- I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
- I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
- I’d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
- I’d buy you a drink, but I’d be jealous of the straw.
I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.— Pablo Picasso
- I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
- I’d love to continue this conversation but I wasn’t listening.
I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.— Kurt Cobain
- I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
- I’ll clean the house when the last kid has moved out.
- I’ll show you mine if you show me tequila.
I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.— Mae West
- I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
- I’m at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.— Rodney Dangerfield
- I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
- I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
- I’m Irish. You’re not really speaking my language until you start yelling.
I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience.— R. Buckminster Fuller
- I’m not a stalker, I’m an unpaid private investigator.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.— A. Whitney Brown
I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV.— David Recksiek
- I’m not asocial, I just don’t want to associate with idiots.
- I’m not crazy, but the voices in my head might be.
- I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
- I’m not paranoid, they really are after me.
I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you— Friedrich Nietzsche
- I’m saving my abstinence for marriage.
- I’m so hungry I could eat a vegetable.
- I’m sorry for all of the awful things I said to you when you were wrong and needed to hear them.
- I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
- I’m tired of people assuming I’ve got a good personality because I’m ugly.
- I’m too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks.
- I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up your ass.
- I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
I’ve been called worse things by better people.— Pierre Trudeau
I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.— Marilyn Monroe
- I’ve found that people tend to leave you alone after they’ve seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
- I’ve got an idea for a really scary Halloween costume. How do I dress up as “The World Right Now”?
- I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.— Donna McCoy
- I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.
- If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn’t get very far.
If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care.— Nick Jack Pappas
- If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small breasts.
If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right.— Mae West
- If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
- If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
- If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- If at first you do succeed try not to look astonished.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
- If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
- If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
- If at first you don’t succeed, quit; don’t be a nut about success.
- If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try a shorter bungee.
- If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If blind people wear sunglasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?— George Carlin
- If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If God had really intended men to fly, he’d make it easier to get to the airport.— George Winters
- If god is inside us, then I hope he likes Fajita’s, cause that’s what he’s getting.
- If god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If God made anything better than women, I think he kept it to himself.— Kris Kristofferson
- If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?
If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer.— Mobutu Sese Seko
- If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall.
- If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
- If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.
If I misbehave and nobody sees me, that’s one less lie I’ll have to tell later.— Dave Dunseath
- If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day?
- If I took the time to be embarrassed by my mistakes I’d never get anything else done.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
- If it can go wrong it probably already has.
If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.— Rodney Dangerfield
- If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it’s so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?— Jim Gaffigan
- If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
- If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it!
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
- If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
- If the bathroom isn’t flooded did the kids even brush their teeth?
- If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm?
- If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.— Muhammad Ali
- If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.— Laurence J. Peter
- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
- If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
- If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If we don’t end war, war will end us.— H.G. Wells
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable.— John F. Kennedy
- If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.— Robin Williams
If you are going through hell, keep going.— Winston Churchill
- If you are going to walk on thin ice you might as well dance.
- If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.— Donald H. Rumsfeld
If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.— Jim Rohn
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
- If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
- If you can see this, you’re not blind, which is a very good start.
- If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one.— Mother Teresa
- If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.— Bill Gates
- If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
- If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- If you cannot explain something in simple terms, you don’t understand it.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.— Sam Levenson
- If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
- If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
- If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today.— Bruce Lee
If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.— Muhammad Ali
- If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably leads nowhere.
If you find an Australian indoors, it’s a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand.— Jonathan Aitken
- If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
- If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- If you love someone, never talk about politics.
- If you love someone, set them free. Then, text them 50 times a day, telling them how much you love them and how they’re now free.
- If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.
- If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
- If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore.
- If you take something away from users, they’ll sneak it in the back way.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.— Mark Twain
- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
- If you understand what you’re doing, you’re not learning anything.
If you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to expect a few blisters.— Dear Abby
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.— Woodrow Wilson
- If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week.
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority.— Yugoslav proverb
- If you’re happy, you’re successful.
- If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- If you’re not having fun, then you’re not doing it right.
- If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.— Stan Levenson
- Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
- Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “no hard feelings”.
In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.— George Best
- In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called “Eye contact 101”.
- In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
- In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.— Johann von Neumann
In my country we go to prison first and then become President.— Nelson Mandela
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.— Charles, Count Talleyrand
In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, it was planned that way.— Franklin D. Roosevelt
- In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.— Dalai Lama
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.— John Lilly
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.— Jan L.A van de Snepscheut
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.— Robert Frost
- In university I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.— Benjamin Franklin
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.— Martin Luther King, Jr.
Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.— Steve Jobs
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.— Rita Mae Brown
Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.— Albert Einstein
- Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected?
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.— W. C. Fields
- It always takes longer and costs more to fix it later.
It doesn’t matter what is true, it only matters what people believe is true.— Paul Watson
It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.— Albert Einstein
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine.— Charles Darwin
It is always brave to say what everyone thinks.— Georges Duhamel
It is better to be alone than in bad company.— George Washington
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.— André Gide
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.— Oscar Wilde
- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
It is better to own 10% of an elephant than 100% of a rat.— Arthur Mutambara
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.— Mark Twain
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.— Voltaire
It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself.— Eleanor Roosevelt
It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles.— Niccolo Machiavelli
It is only the dead who have seen the end of war.— Plato
It isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you down. It’s the pebble in your shoe.— Muhammad Ali
- It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
- It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.— Jack Handy
- It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
- It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
- It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.— Steven Wright
It’s all talk until the code runs.— Ward Cunningham
- It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
- It’s better to be a well-known drunk than to be an anonymous alcoholic.
- It’s better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
It’s like deja vu all over again.— Yogi Berra
- It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.— Ashleigh Brilliant
It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.— Winston Churchill
- It’s not reality that’s important, but how you perceive things.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.— Woody Allen
It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.— Lou Holtz
It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble; it’s the things we do know that ain’t so.— Will Rogers
- It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.
- It’s one thing to give advice, it’s another to take it.
- It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
- It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
- It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.— Muhammad Ali
- It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.— Muhammad Ali
It’s not bragging if you can back it up.— Muhammad Ali
- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- I’d love to have a deep meaningful discussion with my daughter, but I’m not that good at emojis.
I’d much rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.— Carrie Bradshaw
I’d rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong.— John Maynard Keynes
- I’ll never understand women. They loathe you for asking their age, but torture you forever if you forget their birthday.
- I’m a really good listener, as long as we’re talking about me.
- I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?— Chandler Bing
- I’m not ignoring you, I’m being mysterious.
- I’m not mentally ill, I just have a problem with reality.
- I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
- I’m orange juice, and you’re tooth paste. May we never meet again.
- I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.— Robin Williams
- I’m too intelligent to be happy.
I’m watching my neighbor through the blinds, he’s so creepy.— Jacob Swift
I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.— Kent Graham
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.— Irvin S. Cobb
I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, but if I have changed even one life for the better, I haven’t lived in vain.— Muhammad Ali
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
- Judge me by the people I avoid.
- Judge people on how they treat others when they’re hungry.
- Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
- Just because red flags are popping up all over the place doesn’t mean she’s not the girl for you.
- Just say NO to negativity.
Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are.— Benjamin Franklin
- Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
- Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.— Theodore Roosevelt
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.— Jimi Hendrix
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
- Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
- Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
- Learn from my parent’s mistake. Don’t have kids!
- Learn from your mistakes. Make better and better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
- Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
- Learning from your mistakes is smart, learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leisure is being allowed to do nothing.— G.K. Chesterton
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.— Göthe
- Let he without typos, cast the first store.
- Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don’t want to go.
Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches.— Mohammed Reza Pahlavi
- Let’s not talk about my mistakes, let’s focus on yours.
- Let’s play carpenter, first we get hammered, then I nail you.
- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
- Let’s never discuss this again until the next time I decide to bring it up.
Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.— Richard Lewis
- Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
- Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.— Charles Swindoll
Life is a sexually transmitted disease— R. D. Laing
- Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.
Life is better with a dirty imagination.— |
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.— Woody Allen
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.— John Wayne
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.— Isaac Asimov
- Life is too short to let someone else decide how you waste it.
- Life is what happens outside your smartphone.
Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.— John Lennon
Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.— George Bernard Shaw
- Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.
- Life’s a bitch, because if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
- Life’s a bleach and then you dye.
- Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Linux is only free if your time is worthless.
- Linux: because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Listen if you want to be heard.— John Wooden
Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right.— Muhammad Ali
Live simply so other may simply live.— Mother Teresa
- Living healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- Logic is in the eye of the logician.
Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.— Albert Einstein
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.— Lord Dunsany
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life.— George Burns
Looking at code you wrote more than two weeks ago is like looking at code you are seeing for the first time.— Dan Hurvitz
- Looks capture the eyes. Personality captures the heart.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it.— Dr. Karl Menninger
Love is a serious mental disease.— Plato
- Love is atemporary insanity curable by marriage.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.— Stephen K. Amos
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love the life you live. Live the life you love.— Bob Marley
- Lunix. Because I’m better than you.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind.— John F. Kennedy
- Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.— Mae West.
- Marriage is grand; divorce, a hundred grand.
- Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
- Marriage should come with a stenographer.
- Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
- Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
- Materialism: Buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter.
- Maths and alcohol don’t mix. Please don’t drink and derive.
- Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
- Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.
- Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.— Franklin D. Roosevelt
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.— Blaise Pascal
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. ‘No’ is the answer.— Erik Naggum
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.— Groucho Marx
Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one who asked why.— Bernard Baruch
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Monday is the root of all evil.
- Mondays are awesome. It’s just your job that sucks.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.— Leo Rosten
Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.— Christopher Marlowe
- Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
- Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.— Bill Vaughan
Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed possible.— Dale Carnegie
- Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable than risk being happy.— Robert Anthony
- Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
- Murphy’s Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure!
- Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
- My bed is a magical place where i suddenly remember everything i need to do.
- My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
- My conscience is clean — I have never used it.
- My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
- My drinking team has a bowling problem.
- My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
- My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
- My favorite food will always be what you ordered.
- My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.— Shmuel Breban
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
- My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her grandmother’s bedroom with a wolf.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.— Benjamin Disraeli
- My kids get along great when they’re sleeping.
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.— Ashleigh Brilliant
- My life is a constant shift between trying to fall asleep and trying to wake up.
- My life is an open book. But it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
- My middle fingers gets erect when I’m thinking about you.
- My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.— Fin Taylor
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.— Woody Allen
- My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me.
- My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.— Jerry Seinfeld
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.— Mike Myers
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.— George Bernhard Shaw
- My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
- My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see, we’re very, very good at it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- My wife is fluent in furious.
- My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.— Les Dawson
Name of the greatest inventor. Accident.— Mark Twain
- Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
- Never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.
- Never buy a car you can’t push.
- Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
- Never drink whisky without water, never drink water without whisky.
- Never eat yellow snow.
- Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.— Erma Bombeck
- Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.
- Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.— Isaac Asimov
- Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
- Never miss the opportunity to say absolutely nothing.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.— Mark Twain
- Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
- Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
- Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never was anything great achieved without danger.— Niccolo Machiavelli
Never waste a lie when the truth will do.— Jack Clancy
- Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste.— Tug McGraw
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.— Henry A. Kissinger
- No good deed goes unpunished.
- No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
No leader can be too far ahead of his followers.— Eleanor Roosevelt
- No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.— Abraham Lincoln
- No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
No matter how old you are, there’s always something good to look forward to.— Lynn Johnston
- No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
- No matter how tough you think you are, there’s always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.— Eleanor Roosevelt
- No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.
- No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- No-one suspects the butterfly!
- Nobody notices what i do, until i don’t do it.
- None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
- Nostalgia is the realization that things weren’t as unbearable as they seemed at the time.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Not all men are fools… Some are bachelors.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’.— Audrey Hepburn
Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.— Henry Ford
- Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
- Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.— Ozzy Osbourne
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- Of course men can multitask, they read on the toilet.
- Of course there’s no reason for it, it’s just our policy.
Of those who say nothing, few are silent.— Thomas Neil
Of what good is democracy if it is not for the poor?— Ferdinand Marcos
- Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
- Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.
- Old ideas got that way because they proved useful.
- Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
Once you become predictable, no one’s interested anymore.— Chet Atkins
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.— Bob Marley
One kind word can warm three winter months.— Japanese proverb
One murder makes a villain, millions a hero. Numbers sanctify, my good fellow.— Charlie Chaplin
One must always be ahead of life by at least one whisky.— Humphrey Bogart
One of the best programming skills you can have is knowing when to walk away for awhile.— Oscar Godson
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.— Mark Twain
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.— Plato
- One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
- One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
- Only dead fish go with the flow.
- Only fossils should have their minds set in stone.
Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.— Pablo Picasso
- Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
- Only users lose drugs.
Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.— Dalai Lama
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.— Sun Tzu
- Optimist: Someone without much experience.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.— Laurence J. Peter
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.— Martin Luther King Jr.
Our true nationality is mankind.— H.G. Wells
Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.— Milton Jones
Patience has its limits – take it too far and its cowardice.— George Jackson
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.— Bill McGlashen
Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding.— Albert Einstein
- People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
People laughed when I said I’d become a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.— Bob Monkhouse
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.— Kai Humphries
People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.— Alan Moore
- People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.— George Bernhard Shaw
- People will believe any lie, either because they want it to be true or they are afraid it’s true.
- Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.— Richard Feynman
- Plan to be early, because you’ll always end up late.
- Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
- Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.— Nikita Khrushchev
Politics have no relation to morals.— Niccolo Machiavelli
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.— Groucho Marx
Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither.— Saddam Hussein
- Posting opinions on the internet is like fishing for people to tell you how wrong you are.
- Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.— Warren Buffett
Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them.— Demonax
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.— Don Marquis
Programmers never die. They just become legacy.— epsilona01
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.— Michael Sinz
Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute.— Harold Abelson & Gerald Jay Sussman
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.— Robert A. Heinlein
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.— Evelyn Waugh
- Quando omni flunkus moritati – when all else fails, play dead.
Quitting is leading, too.— Nelson Mandela
Race is just a pigment of the imagination.— Glen Highland
- Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.— Joseph Addison
- Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
- Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.— Ronald Reagan
- Red Bull and vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
- Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
- Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
- Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.
Religion is the Opium for the masses.— Karl Marx
Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.— Dalai Lama
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.— Joss Whedon
- Resistance isn’t futile, it’s voltage divided by amperage.
- Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.
Revolutions are frightening, but election campaigns are disgusting.— Nicolas Gomez Davila
- Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.— Oscar Levant
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- Save water – take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter.
- Saying the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results, is called parenting.
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
- Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.— Robin Williams
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
- Send lawyers, guns and money!
- Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
- Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
- She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
- She wanted to meet again. I told her I don’t water dead flowers.
Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.— Muhammad Ali
- Skiing is probably the most expensive way to fall down a mountain.
- Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
- Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.— Fletcher Knebel
- So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite “maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
So the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy.— Dalai Lama
- Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.— Oscar Wilde
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
- Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.
Some people feel the rain. Other just get wet.— Bob Marley
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar.— Nick Jack Pappas
- Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
- Sometimes I tell people I’m an introvert just so they don’t expect me to talk to them again.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- Sometimes I wish my conscience was unconscious.
- Sometimes I’m normal, but I quickly tire of it, and become myself again.
- Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
- Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.— Jerry Seinfeld
- Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
- Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.
- Sorry I’m late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
- Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.— Ambrose Bierce
- Spelling is a lossed art.
- Stable relationships are for horses.
- Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
- Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
- Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.— Charles Monroe Schultz
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
- Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
Study without desire spoils memory. and it retains nothing that it takes in.— Leonardo da Vinci
Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting.— Heinlein
Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.— Orson Welles
Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.— Bill Gates
Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.— Abraham Lincoln
- Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
- Sure it sounds bad when you phrase it exactly the way it happened.
- Sure, I’d love to help you out. Now, which way did you come in?
- Sure, when… – oink flap oink flap – well I’ll be darned!
- Systems aren’t made from metaphors, paradigms and methodologies. They’re made from code, wires and hardware.
- Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get.— George Bernard Shaw
- Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!— W. C. Fields
- Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
- Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
- Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Teach thy tongue to say, “I do not know,” and thous shalt progress.— Maimonides
- Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
- Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
- The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.— Cousin Woodman
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.— Winston Churchill
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.— Sandy Cooley
- The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
The best programs are the ones written when the programmer is supposed to be working on something else.— Melinda Varian
- The best secrets are the ones you’re let in on.
The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them will win.— Will Rogers
- The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something.
- The best things in life aren’t things.
- The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
- The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.— Napoleon Bonaparte
- The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.— Muhammad Ali
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.— Brendan Behan
- The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before.— Bill Gates
The computing scientist’s main challenge is not to get confused by the complexities of his own making.— E. W. Dijkstra
The cure for boredom in curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.— Dorothy Parker
- The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.— Albert Einstein
- The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
- The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
- The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.— Oscar Wilde
- The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
- The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
- The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
- The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “this changes everything”.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.— Joan Rivers
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.— Maya Angelou
- The future will be better tomorrow.
The great thing about Democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.— Art Spander
- The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.— David Russell
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The hotel has a live band and my favorite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.— George Jessel
- The Indian version of "How I Met Your Mother" would only last one episode, entitled "The Wedding".
The issues are much too important for the Chilean voters to be left to decide for themselves.— Henry Kissinger
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.— Bruce Lee
- The Killer Ducks are coming!
- The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The lonely one offers his hand too quickly to whomever he encounters.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
- The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
- The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.— Robert Bloch
- The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life— Muhammad Ali
The mind is everything. What you think you become.— Buddha
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.— Mark Twain
- The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.— Alice Walker
- The most dangerous part of a motorcycle is the nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
- The most dangerous potential side effect of depression is poetry.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’, but ‘That’s funny…’— Isaac Asimov
- The most important life skill I have learned is when to stop asking questions.
- The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie.— Ann Landers
The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better.— Eric Raymond
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
The older I get, the smarter my Dad gets.— Mark Twain
- The only certain thing in life is death.
- The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.— Al McGuire
The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing.— Henry Ford
- The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is pat it.
- The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I\’m having fun.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.— Paul Fix
- The only regret I have in life, is that I didn’t tell people to go to Hell earlier.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.— Edmund Burke
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.— Dennis Miller
- The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
- The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.— James Branch Cabell
The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.— Mary Pickford
- The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
The police belongs to the people and the people belong to the police.— Todor Zhivkov
- The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
- The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
- The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
- The problem with teaching children to think for themselves is they might come to disagree with us.
- The problem with the future is it turns into the present.
- The Public is merely a multiplied “me.”
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.— Oscar Wilde
The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.— Pablo Picasso
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.— Will Rogers
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.— Theodore Roosevelt
The regime is afraid of the people because it knows that free and fair elections will bring about its end.— Viktor Yushchenko
- The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
- The revolution will not be televised.
- The reward for a job well done is more work.
- The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
- The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
- The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
- The road to a friends house is never long.
- The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends.— Marcus Tullius Cicero
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
- The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.
- The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
- The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The time is always right to do the right thing.— Martin Luther King
- The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
The tongue is like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.— Buddha
The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey.— William Faulkner
- The trick to really enjoying someone’s company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win.— Leonid Brezhnev
- The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.— John Wooden
The truth is more important than the facts.— Frank Lloyd Wright
- The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
The will must be stronger than the skill.— Muhammad Ali
- The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
- The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.— Demetri Martin
- There are 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
There are books of which the backs and coves are by far the bast parts.— Charles Dickens
There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.— Franklin D. Roosevelt
There are no bad whiskies, some are just better than other others.— William Faulkner
There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.— Friedrich Nietzsche
There are no facts, only interpretations.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.— Zig Ziglar
There are only two things wrong with money: Too much or too little.— Charles Bukowski
- There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
- There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
- There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and real estate listings.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.— Warren Buffett
- There are three types of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
- There are two kinds of friends: Those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
- There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.— Jeremy S. Anderson
There are two rules for drinking whisky: first, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.— Charles Murray
- There are two types of people – those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.— Henry Kissinger
- There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.
There is indeed one person who can help solve “writer’s block”. His name is Mr Johnnie Walker.— Ashwin Sanghi
- There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path.— Buddha
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.— Mark Twain
There is no such thing as a former KGB man.— Vladimir Putin
- There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
- There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.— Bill Hicks
- There is no time like the pleasant.
There is nothing better than a friend, unless there is a friend with chocolate.— Charles Dickens
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.— Aristotle
There is wisdom of the head and there is wisdom of the heart.— Charles Dickens
- There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.
There was never a bad peace or a good war.— Benjamin Franklin
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.— Kevin James
There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots.— Mark Rasch
There’s nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.— R. Buckminster Fuller
There’s nothing to match curling up with a good book when there’s a repair job to be done around the house.— Joe Ryan
- There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
- There’s no such thing as a large whiskey.
- There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
- They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
- They call our language mother tongue, because the father seldom gets to speak.
- They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
- They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
- They’re only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Think about it; and think about it carefully. Nothing happens in our society without software. Nothing.— Robert “Uncle Bob” Martin
- Think much, Speak little, Write less.
- Think things through before you’re through thinking.
This bag of potato chips is pure chaos! Something must be done about this!— Inventor of Pringles
- This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
- This liquor tastes like I’m taking tomorrow off.
- This sentence contradicts itself — no actually it doesn’t.
- This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.
- This will be a memorable month — no matter how hard you try to forget.
This year – a factory of semiconductors. Next year – a factory of whole conductors!— Todor Zhivkov
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.— Groucho Marx
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.— Isaac Asimov
Those who can not change their minds can not change anything.— George Bernhard Shaw
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.— George Carlin
Those who drink whiskey with the owls at night, cannot soar with the eagles the next day.— Brian D. Ratty
Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach.— Aristotle
- Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything.— Joseph Stalin
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Thought is free.— William Shakespeare
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.— Benjamin Franklin
- Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: Hold my purse.
- Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.
- Time flies like a bullet. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
- Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
- Time moving too slowly for you? Schedule something you don’t want to do and it’ll speed right up.
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.— John Lennon
To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.— Muhammad Ali
- To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.— Ralph Waldo Emerson
To copy others are necessary, but to copy oneself is pathetic.— Pablo Picasso
To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- To err is human, to arr is pirate.
- To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
- To err is human, to forgive highly unlikely.
- To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
- To err is hunam.
- To generalize is to be an idiot.
To lead the people, walk behind them.— Lao Tzu
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.— Oscar Wilde
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.— Oscar Wilde
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.— Woody Allen
- Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
- Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!
- Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together, so I’d have to see them every day.
- Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
- Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
- Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.— Mae West
Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whisky is barely enough.— Mark Twain
- Too much of everything is just enough.
- Tracers work both ways.
- True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
- Trust but verify.
- Trust in God, but tie your camel.
- Trust is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. You’ve gotta be 100% sure that she won’t tell your wife.
Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us.— Henri Frédéric Amie
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.— Elvis Presley
- Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.
- Trying again to persuade my wife to participate in a twosome.
- Trying is failing with honors.
Trying is the first step towards failure.— Homer Simpson
- Turned my lights off for Earth Hour and I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.— Frank Lloyd Wright
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did.— Mark Twain
- Twitter has taught me, if you have nothing important to say, say it anyway.
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.— Arthur C. Clarke
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.— Albert Einstein
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three will get you back on the freeway.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Um.— First horse that got ridden
Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.— John Kenneth Galbraith
- Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
- Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about its friends.
- Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
Unsatisfied desire is in itself more desirable than any other satisfaction.— C. S. Lewis
- Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
- Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
- Vidi, vici, veni. I saw, I conquered, I came.
- Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
Vision without execution is just hallucination.— Henry Ford
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are.— Kurt Cobain
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.— George Bernard Shaw
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.— Ambrose Bierce
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- Wasting time is an important part of living.
- We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.— Oscar Wilde
- We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
We are not expelling the journalists but they are free to leave whenever they want.— Charles Taylor
We build our computer systems the way we build our cities: over time, without a plan, on top of ruins.— Ellen Ullman
- We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.— Anais Nin
We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.— Anais Nin
- We found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all along.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools.— Martin Luther King
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
- Welcome to Hell. Here’s your copy of Windows ME.
- Welcome what you can’t avoid.
- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- What has been seen cannot be unseen.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What one has to do usually can be done.— Eleanor Roosevelt
What one programmer can do in one month, two programmers can do in two months.— Fred Brooks
- What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
- What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
- What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming.— Muhammad Ali
- What’s the most unreliable form of communication and how do I get my relatives to start using it?
- What’s worse than waking up at a party, and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
- Whatever happens, ignore it all.
- Whatever you do always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
- What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.— Friedrich Nietzsche
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- When all else fails, admit I’m right and kiss my ass.
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.— Jack Handey
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.— David Brenner
- When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.— Mitch Hedberg
- When I was young I was told that anyone could be president. Now I’m beginning to believe it.
- When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
- When in doubt empty the magazine.
When in doubt tell the truth.— Mark Twain
- When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
- When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.— Sigmund Freud
- When it comes to a war of wills, I’m no match for the last cookie.
- When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
- When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?
- When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
- When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.— Socrates
- When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.— Jimi Hendrix
When the well’s dry, we know the worth of water.— Ben Franklin
- When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed they’re not it.
- When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
- When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
- When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.— Norm Crosby
- When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
- When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.— Theodore Roosevelt
- When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
When you’re through changing, you’re through.— Bruce Barton
When your government only recognizes the human rights of its own citizens it’s basically a backward way of saying everyone else is less than human.— Amie Stepanovich
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.— Paul Terry
- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
- Where there’s a will, there’s an inheritance tax.
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t — you’re right.— Henry Ford
- Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
- While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
While I can’t walk on water, I can certainly wobble on whisky.— Ashwin Sanghi
Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.— Jerry Vale
Whiskey, like a beautiful woman, demands appreciation. You gaze first, then it’s time to drink.— Haruki Murakami
Whisky is liquid sunshine.— George Bernard Shaw
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Whoever controls the media controls the mind.— Jim Morrison
Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain.— Vladimir Putin
- Whoever said money doesn’t grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.
- Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
- Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an iPad.
- Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
- Why are stupid people so confident?
- Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?— Robin Williams
- Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
- Why do we kill people to show people that killing people is wrong?
- Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?— Barbra Streisand
- Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- Why is it so hard to find someone who loves me for the person I carefully crafted online, that doesn’t represent me at all?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?
- Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn’t make up their minds?
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.— Benjamin Franklin
Winners and losers aren’t born, they are the products of how they think.— Lou Holtz
Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’— Robert Byrne
- Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
- Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
- Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
- With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
- With great power comes great electricity bill.
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
- Women are like bacon. They smell great, taste amazing, and kill you slowly.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.— Marilyn Monroe
- Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
- Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
- Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
- Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
- Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
- Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- XML is like violence. If it doesn’t solve your problem, you’re not using enough of it.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it.— Groucho Marx
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present.— Eleanor Roosevelt
- Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
You always admire what you really don’t understand.— Eleanor Roosevelt
- You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.— C.S. Lewis
- You are only truly in control of your life when you accept you are not.
- You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
- You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.— Goethe
- You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.— Mae West
- You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
- You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse.— Napoleon Bonaparte
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- You don’t have to explain something you never said.
- You don’t learn anything the second time a mule kicks you.
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.— Winston Churchill
- You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
- You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
- You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.— Jonathan Davis
- You look like I need another drink.
You may delay, but Time will not.— Benjamin Franklin
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.— Margaret Thatcher
You might be a redneck if your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.— Jeff Foxworthy
You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place.— Vladimir Putin
You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing.— Dale Carnegie
- You never really know if you’re over someone until you’re in the car and they’re in the crosswalk.
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.— Harry S. Truman
- You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
- You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
- You’re just jealous because the little voices only talk to me.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.— Bill Gates
- Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
- Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
- Your worst humiliation is only someone else’s momentary entertainment.
- You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
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