Funny one-liners, the ultimate collection! This is the complete listing of all the funny one-liners you see on the bottom of every page. They are listed in the opposite order of when they were added. So the most recent additions are listed first. Do you know a good one-liner that’s not listed here? Please send it to me.


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Don’t make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.

Friendship should not be sought, but is usually found both by chance and good luck.

There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.

It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right. Alcohol IS a solution.

Dracula is a myth created by Big Garlic.

Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.

— Mark Twain

It’s hard to escape from your inner critic, especially when it never shuts up.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

— Mark Twain

Alcohol: The fuel used in the engine of bad decisions.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

— Mark Twain
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