New additions to the one-liners collection:

  • “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” — Will Rogers
  • “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
  • “When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” — Norm Crosby
  • America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
  • “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” — Jackie Mason
  • “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
  • The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
  • Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does having no medical insurance.