Vegard Skjefstad

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Tag: One-liners (page 1 of 16)

January One-liners

A new year is upon us! I hope you had a great 2018, and that 2019 will be even better. In any case, here are few new funny one-liners that have been added to the collection.

  • Spend some time staring at the stars. It feeds the soul and revives the mind.
  • “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain
  • “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain
  • Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
  • How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  • I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
  • Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
  • The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

December One-liners

It’s the last month of the year. But no need to sulk! Here are the funny one-liners (and some clever ones) for December. Remember that the entire collection always is at your fingertips.

  • Alcohol: The fuel used in the engine of bad decisions.
  • “It is easier to stay out than get out.” — Mark Twain
  • It’s hard to escape from your inner critic, especially when it never shuts up.
  • “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.” — Mark Twain
  • Dracula is a myth created by Big Garlic.
  • It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right. Alcohol IS a solution.
  • There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.
  • Friendship should not be sought, but is usually found both by chance and good luck.
  • Don’t make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.
  • Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
  • It is okay to visit your past just don’t bring any luggage with you.
  • A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
  • They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
  • Life is too complicated in the morning.
  • “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson
  • “I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly.” — Timothy Connor
  • !false (It’s funny because it’s true.)
  • “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” — Angela Barnes
  • “I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark.” — Adam Hess

November One-liners

It’s the first of November, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

There are quite a few Mark Twain quotes this time because I follow the Mark Twain account on Twitter. A lot of what whoever is running the account tweets, turns out to be actual Mark Twain quotes.

  • Time is the rarest commodity. Manage yours wisely.
  • A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
  • “Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.” — Aisling Bea
  • Don’t have anything nice to say? Try obscene gestures.
  • “To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.” — Eddy Elfenbein
  • Time flies when you throw away calendars.
  • “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” — Mark Twain
  • “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” — Mark Twain
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” — Mark Twain
  • “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” — Mark Twain
  • “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” — Mark Twain
  • “We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
  • “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” — Mark Twain
  • “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” — Mark Twain
  • “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” — Mark Twain

October One-liners

It’s the first of October, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb
  • “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.” — Dilbert
  • Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • Life is what happens outside your smartphone.
  • If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small breasts.
  • An architect’s dream is an engineer’s nightmare.
  • Bad choices often turn into good stories.
  • Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.
  • Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality.
  • My life is a constant shift between trying to fall asleep and trying to wake up.
  • Whatever you do always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  • “People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.” — Alan Moore
  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • “In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.” — George Best

September One-liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of more than 1,700 funny one-liners.

  • “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” — Mark Twain
  • I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
  • Judge me by the people I avoid.
  • Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.
  • The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.
  • If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
  • I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
  • “I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
  • I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
  • They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
  • I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
  • Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  • My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
  • You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
  • There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
  • Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright

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