January One-Liners

A new year is upon us! I hope you had a great 2019, and that 2020 will be even better. In any case, here are few new funny one-liners that have been added to the collection.

  • “Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” — Mark Twain
  • “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
  • “I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.” — Lily Tomlin
  • “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” — Saul Bellow
  • “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
  • “Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.” — Bill Vaughan
  • “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t drink.” — Ryan Reynolds
  • “For the happiest life, days should be rigorously planned, nights left open to chance.” — Mignon McLaughlin
  • “You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.” — Vernon Howard
  • “Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.” — Mark Twain
  • If it’s not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
  • The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  • A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn’t say.
  • “The only time Success comes before Work is in the dictionary.” — Harvey Specter
  • “Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.” — Doug Larson

December One-Liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” — Fred Astaire
  • A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
  • What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
  • A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
  • It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
  • Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • People tell me I’m childish but I think they’re just being poopyheads.
  • The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” — Ann Landers
  • “Youth is stranger than fiction.” — Marcelene Cox
  • “The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.” — Robert Anthony
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  • If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance.
  • I may have a vacuum between my ears, but at least it’s better than nothing.
  • You’re not a complete idiot. There are still some parts missing!
  • “If winning isn’t important then why keep score?” — Vince Lombardi
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
  • Celibacy is not hereditary.

November One-Liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • The best exercise is to reach down and pull somebody up.
  • The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
  • “Money can’t buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.” — Milton Berle
  • Sterility is not hereditary.
  • Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
  • “A mistake is simply another way of doing things.” — Katharine Graham
  • You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.
  • There’s a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
  • “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” — Bill Cosby
  • I never turn my back on my friends, I don’t trust them that much.
  • “Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.” — John Wooden
  • “Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.” — Scott Adams
  • “A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
  • “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.” — Hubert H. Humphrey
  • You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.
  • If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
  • “Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got.” — Janis Joplin
  • When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
  • “Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.” — Alfred E. Neuman
  • “If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation.” — Alfred E. Neuman

October One-Liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • “To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.” — Leo Durocher
  • Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?
  • “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” — George Bernhard Shaw
  • If I can be of any help, you’re in worse shape than I thought.
  • I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
  • I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • “When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.” — Walter Lipman
  • If you do something you’ll regret in the morning, sleep till noon.
  • I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
  • Speaking your mind isn’t the same thing as using it.
  • “A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.” — Channing Pollock
  • “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen
  • “By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
  • It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
  • My ex-wife’s other car is a broom.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven’t met everybody.
  • “The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” — Robert Byrne
  • “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” — Terri Garey
  • People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.
  • How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

September One-Liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of almost two thousand funny one-liners.

  • The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
  • “The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident.” — Francesco Guicciardini
  • “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” — Mason Cooley
  • “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton
  • You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
  • I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
  • “You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.” — Flip Wilson
  • “There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.” — Mark Twain
  • Trouble shared is trouble halved.
  • Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
  • “Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.” — Dalai Lama
  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I’m afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright
  • “True friends stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be free is nothing, to become free is everything.” — Hegel
  • “Liberty is about our rights to question everything.” — Ai WeiWei
  • “The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.” — George Orwell
  • “To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats.” — Henry Spencer