November One-Liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • The best exercise is to reach down and pull somebody up.
  • The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
  • “Money can’t buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.” — Milton Berle
  • Sterility is not hereditary.
  • Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
  • “A mistake is simply another way of doing things.” — Katharine Graham
  • You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.
  • There’s a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
  • “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” — Bill Cosby
  • I never turn my back on my friends, I don’t trust them that much.
  • “Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.” — John Wooden
  • “Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.” — Scott Adams
  • “A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
  • “To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.” — Hubert H. Humphrey
  • You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need.
  • If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
  • “Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got.” — Janis Joplin
  • When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
  • “Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.” — Alfred E. Neuman
  • “If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation.” — Alfred E. Neuman

October One-Liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection. The majority of the one-liners this month is lifted form Mr. One-Liner.

  • “To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.” — Leo Durocher
  • Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn’t you rather have the money?
  • “If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” — George Bernhard Shaw
  • If I can be of any help, you’re in worse shape than I thought.
  • I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
  • I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  • “When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.” — Walter Lipman
  • If you do something you’ll regret in the morning, sleep till noon.
  • I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
  • Speaking your mind isn’t the same thing as using it.
  • “A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.” — Channing Pollock
  • “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen
  • “By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.” — Ashleigh Brilliant
  • It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
  • My ex-wife’s other car is a broom.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven’t met everybody.
  • “The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” — Robert Byrne
  • “The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” — Terri Garey
  • People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.
  • How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

September One-Liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of almost two thousand funny one-liners.

  • The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
  • “The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident.” — Francesco Guicciardini
  • “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” — Mason Cooley
  • “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton
  • You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
  • I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
  • “You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.” — Flip Wilson
  • “There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.” — Mark Twain
  • Trouble shared is trouble halved.
  • Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
  • “Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.” — Dalai Lama
  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I’m afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright
  • “True friends stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be free is nothing, to become free is everything.” — Hegel
  • “Liberty is about our rights to question everything.” — Ai WeiWei
  • “The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.” — George Orwell
  • “To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats.” — Henry Spencer

August One-liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection.

  • “It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.” — Goethe
  • “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” — Henry David Thoreau
  • Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
  • Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
  • “Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.” — Michel de Montaigne
  • One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
  • “Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.” — Lily Tomlin
  • Seeing is believing.  You wouldn’t have seen it if you hadn’t believed it.
  • “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” — Seneca
  • “The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.” — Lao Tsu
  • The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.
  • “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” — Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.” — Lao Tsu
  • “Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.” — J. Winter Smith
  • You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you’re still in the parade.

July One-Liners

It’s the 1st of July, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing one-liners collection.

  • “They didn’t want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “Perfection itself is imperfection.” — Vladimir Horowitz
  • “Every dogma has its day.” — Anthony Burgess
  • “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” — Mark Twain
  • “My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.” — Amy Sedaris
  • “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
  • “I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” — Leo Durocher
  • The fact that a conflict has many sides does not imply that every side has merit.
  • “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” — Meister Eckhart
  • “Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.” — Zig Ziglar
  • “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” — Bruce Lee
  • “Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.” — Ted Turner
  • Don’t let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth.
  • “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” — Amelia Earhart
  • “You do not become greater by making others smaller.” — Krishna Dharma
  • “I’ve sometimes thought of marrying – and then I’ve thought again.” — Noel Coward
  • “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” — Leo Buscaglia