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Tag: One-liners (page 1 of 15)

September One-liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of more than 1,700 funny one-liners.

  • “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” — Mark Twain
  • I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
  • Judge me by the people I avoid.
  • Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.
  • The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.
  • If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
  • I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
  • “I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
  • I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
  • They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
  • I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
  • Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  • My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
  • You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
  • There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
  • Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright

August One-liners

It’s August, time to learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use when you return to work after a great summer holiday. Or, learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use to impress your friends during your summer holiday. It all depends on where you live in the world.

  • I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
  • The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
  • Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an iPad.
  • You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
  • You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
  • “Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.” — Martin Mull
  • The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
  • Those who live closest arrive latest.
  • “Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.” — Richard Lewis
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
  • No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”
  • I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
  • My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  • Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.
  • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

July One-liners

It’s July, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing one-liner collection. This time, I’ve mainly consulted marvelous popular quotes collection provided by Goodreads.

  • Any joke is a one-liner if the notebook you write it in is wide enough.
  • When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?
  • A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once.
  • “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” — Mark Twain
  • “It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.” — Mark Twain
  • “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.” — Mark Twain
  • The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
  • “Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard M. Baruch
  • “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” — Robert Frost
  • “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard
  • “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” — André Gide
  • “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
  • “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” — Paul Terry
  • “Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx

June One-liners

A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new one-liners. These newcomers to the one-liners collection are mostly lifted from random accounts on Twitter spotted via @FunnyOneLiners.

  • Let he without typos, cast the first store.
  • One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
  • Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).
  • Friday the 13th is a holiday started by Big Hockey to sell more masks.
  • The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.
  • “Always make new mistakes.” — Ester Dyson
  • “If a cop tells you to put your hands in the air, it’s always a bad idea to wave them around like you just don’t care.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
  • Never invite an arsonist to a housewarming party.
  • “When in doubt tell the truth.” — Mark Twain
  • The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
  • If aliens ever decide to abduct me, I hope they do it on a Sunday night and not a Friday night, because I really don’t want to lose a weekend.
  • The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother” would only last one episode, entitled “The Wedding”.
  • I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.
  • “Cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?” — Sophia Benoit
  • “One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.” — Mark Twain

May One-liners

It’s the first of May, which marks both Labor Day, and the addition of a couple of new one-liners to the collection.

  • Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.
  • The lack of money is the root of all evil.
  • I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
  • The Public is merely a multiplied “me.”
  • A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
  • Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
  • Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  • Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
  • Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
  • Dark humor is like love — not everyone gets it.
  • How long is a Chinese name.
  • He who hesitates is not only lost, but also miles away from the next exit.
  • I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
  • Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
  • The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

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