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Tag: One-liners (page 1 of 17)

May One-Liners

It’s the first of May, which marks both Labor Day, and the addition of a couple of new funny one-liners to the collection. To be honest, the ones added this month isn’t very funny, but rather more thought provoking. Enjoy!

  • “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” — Sam Levenson
  • “Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.” — Mark Twain
  • “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” — Charles de Gaulle
  • “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.” — Lillian Gordy Carter
  • “If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.” — Henry Kissinger
  • “Committees do harm merely by existing.” — Freeman Dyson
  • “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell
  • “The chief cause of problems is solutions.” — Eric Sevareid
  • “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.” — Bertrand Russell
  • “If you obey all the rules, you will miss all the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn
  • If you’re the smartest person in the room, go look for a room with smarter people in it.
  • “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.” — Dalai Lama
  • “The future is always scary to those who cling to the past.” — Tim O’Reilly
  • “Humor is the only divine quality to be found in humanity.” — Schopenhauer
  • “One is never so dangerous as when he’s utterly convinced he is right.” — John Perry Barlow
  • “Your mind is credulous enough to believe any narrative you feed it. Choose wisely.” — Stephen Sadowski

April One-Liners

Spring has really started to beak through winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere. Let’s celebrate with some of new funny one-liners.

  • “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” — Kurt Vonnegut
  • “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.” — Mark Twain
  • “I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.” — Ray Bradbury
  • “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
  • Your secrets are safe with me, because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening.
  • I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
  • Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
  • I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate.
  • The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
  • Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
  • It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
  • The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.

March One-liners

It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

  • Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
  • “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” — Mark Twain
  • I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
  • “Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” — Mark Twain
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” — Mark Twain
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.

February One-Liners

A new month means a couple of new funny one-liners added to the collection. Here are the new additions for February:

  • “Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”
  • Victims of autocorrect, untie!
  • “It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” — Mark Twain
  • Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings.
  • “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” — Mark Twain
  • “Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.” — Mark Twain
  • “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” — Mark Twain
  • Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
  • I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
  • Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
  • I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  • A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
  • Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  • I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But thankfully, I turned myself around.
  • Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
  • My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
  • Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

January One-liners

A new year is upon us! I hope you had a great 2018, and that 2019 will be even better. In any case, here are few new funny one-liners that have been added to the collection.

  • Spend some time staring at the stars. It feeds the soul and revives the mind.
  • “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain
  • “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain
  • Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
  • How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  • I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
  • Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
  • The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

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