Vegard Skjefstad

www.vegard.net

Menu Close

Tag: One-liners (page 1 of 16)

November One-liners

It’s the first of November, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

There are quite a few Mark Twain quotes this time because I follow the Mark Twain account on Twitter. A lot of what whoever is running the account tweets, turns out to be actual Mark Twain quotes.

  • Time is the rarest commodity. Manage yours wisely.
  • A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
  • “Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.” — Aisling Bea
  • Don’t have anything nice to say? Try obscene gestures.
  • “To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.” — Eddy Elfenbein
  • Time flies when you throw away calendars.
  • “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” — Mark Twain
  • “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” — Mark Twain
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” — Mark Twain
  • “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” — Mark Twain
  • “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” — Mark Twain
  • “We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
  • “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” — Mark Twain
  • “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” — Mark Twain
  • “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” — Mark Twain

October One-liners

It’s the first of October, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb
  • “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.” — Dilbert
  • Playing with a toddler is half play and half self-defense.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • Life is what happens outside your smartphone.
  • If a guy remembered your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small breasts.
  • An architect’s dream is an engineer’s nightmare.
  • Bad choices often turn into good stories.
  • Some people dress to impress, some people undress to impress.
  • Someone is going to be that guy that dies a few minutes before we discover immortality.
  • My life is a constant shift between trying to fall asleep and trying to wake up.
  • Whatever you do always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  • “People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people.” — Alan Moore
  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
  • “In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.” — George Best

September One-liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of more than 1,700 funny one-liners.

  • “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” — Mark Twain
  • I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this.
  • Judge me by the people I avoid.
  • Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.
  • The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.
  • If you listen closely you can here me not caring.
  • I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
  • “I’m not great at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
  • I would love to lose weight but I hate losing.
  • They say you are what you eat. I don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.
  • I hope one day I love someone the way women in commercials love yogurt.
  • Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  • My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. I attached payslips on first slide.
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
  • You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.
  • There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit.
  • Don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright

August One-liners

It’s August, time to learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use when you return to work after a great summer holiday. Or, learn some fresh, funny one-liners you can use to impress your friends during your summer holiday. It all depends on where you live in the world.

  • I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
  • The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
  • Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an iPad.
  • You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
  • You haven’t experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.
  • “Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.” — Martin Mull
  • The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
  • Those who live closest arrive latest.
  • “Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.” — Richard Lewis
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.
  • No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”
  • I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg
  • My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  • The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
  • Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.
  • The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

July One-liners

It’s July, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing one-liner collection. This time, I’ve mainly consulted marvelous popular quotes collection provided by Goodreads.

  • Any joke is a one-liner if the notebook you write it in is wide enough.
  • When prison inmates fall in love, do they finish each other’s sentences?
  • A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once.
  • “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” — Mark Twain
  • “It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.” — Mark Twain
  • “A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.” — Mark Twain
  • The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
  • “Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar.” — Nick Jack Pappas
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard M. Baruch
  • “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” — Robert Frost
  • “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard
  • “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” — André Gide
  • “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
  • “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” — Paul Terry
  • “Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” — Albert Einstein
  • “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx

Copyright © 2000-2018 www.vegard.net | Privacy Policy | Statement of Audience | Hosted on vbox4.vbox-host.com