Vegard Skjefstad

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Tag: One-liners (page 1 of 16)

March One-liners

It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

  • Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
  • “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” — Mark Twain
  • I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
  • “Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” — Mark Twain
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” — Mark Twain
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.

February One-Liners

A new month means a couple of new funny one-liners added to the collection. Here are the new additions for February:

  • “Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”
  • Victims of autocorrect, untie!
  • “It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” — Mark Twain
  • Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings.
  • “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” — Mark Twain
  • “Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.” — Mark Twain
  • “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” — Mark Twain
  • Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don’t work.
  • I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
  • Your life doesn’t get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
  • I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward.
  • I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
  • The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  • A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
  • Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
  • I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But thankfully, I turned myself around.
  • Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
  • My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
  • Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

January One-liners

A new year is upon us! I hope you had a great 2018, and that 2019 will be even better. In any case, here are few new funny one-liners that have been added to the collection.

  • Spend some time staring at the stars. It feeds the soul and revives the mind.
  • “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain
  • “The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” — Mark Twain
  • Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  • The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
  • How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  • I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
  • An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
  • Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.
  • The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

December One-liners

It’s the last month of the year. But no need to sulk! Here are the funny one-liners (and some clever ones) for December. Remember that the entire collection always is at your fingertips.

  • Alcohol: The fuel used in the engine of bad decisions.
  • “It is easier to stay out than get out.” — Mark Twain
  • It’s hard to escape from your inner critic, especially when it never shuts up.
  • “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.” — Mark Twain
  • Dracula is a myth created by Big Garlic.
  • It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right. Alcohol IS a solution.
  • There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.
  • Friendship should not be sought, but is usually found both by chance and good luck.
  • Don’t make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.
  • Sometimes we all have days where we are 386’s in a P4 world.
  • It is okay to visit your past just don’t bring any luggage with you.
  • A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
  • They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
  • Life is too complicated in the morning.
  • “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson
  • “I have such a high regard for the truth that I use it sparingly.” — Timothy Connor
  • !false (It’s funny because it’s true.)
  • “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” — Angela Barnes
  • “I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark.” — Adam Hess

November One-liners

It’s the first of November, which means it’s time for some more funny one-liners. If you like these, the entire collection might be of interest.

There are quite a few Mark Twain quotes this time because I follow the Mark Twain account on Twitter. A lot of what whoever is running the account tweets, turns out to be actual Mark Twain quotes.

  • Time is the rarest commodity. Manage yours wisely.
  • A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
  • “Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.” — Aisling Bea
  • Don’t have anything nice to say? Try obscene gestures.
  • “To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.” — Eddy Elfenbein
  • Time flies when you throw away calendars.
  • “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” — Mark Twain
  • “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” — Mark Twain
  • “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” — Mark Twain
  • “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” — Mark Twain
  • “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” — Mark Twain
  • “We have the best government that money can buy.” — Mark Twain
  • “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” — Mark Twain
  • “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” — Mark Twain
  • “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” — Mark Twain

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