July One-Liners

It’s the 1st of July, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing one-liners collection.

  • “They didn’t want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “Perfection itself is imperfection.” — Vladimir Horowitz
  • “Every dogma has its day.” — Anthony Burgess
  • “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” — Mark Twain
  • “My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.” — Amy Sedaris
  • “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
  • “I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” — Leo Durocher
  • The fact that a conflict has many sides does not imply that every side has merit.
  • “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” — Meister Eckhart
  • “Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.” — Zig Ziglar
  • “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” — Bruce Lee
  • “Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.” — Ted Turner
  • Don’t let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth.
  • “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” — Amelia Earhart
  • “You do not become greater by making others smaller.” — Krishna Dharma
  • “I’ve sometimes thought of marrying – and then I’ve thought again.” — Noel Coward
  • “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” — Leo Buscaglia

June One-liners

A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new funny one-liners. These are mostly lifted from the virtually bottomless pit of well-known Unix fortunes. Enjoy!

  • “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” — Groucho Marx
  • “Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent.” — Walt Kelly
  • “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles Schulz
  • “Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.” — Terry Pratchett
  • “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno
  • “I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner
  • “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” — Jack Benny
  • “Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.” — Will Rogers
  • Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
  • “The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.” — Thomas Jefferson
  • The world really isn’t any worse.  It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.
  • Don’t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
  • “Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.” — Woody Allen
  • He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another’s mishap.
  • “He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” — Lao Tsu
  • “He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” — Lao Tsu
  • If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.

May One-Liners

It’s the first of May, which marks both Labor Day, and the addition of a couple of new funny one-liners to the collection. To be honest, the ones added this month isn’t very funny, but rather more thought provoking. Enjoy!

  • “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” — Sam Levenson
  • “Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.” — Mark Twain
  • “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” — Charles de Gaulle
  • “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.” — Lillian Gordy Carter
  • “If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.” — Henry Kissinger
  • “Committees do harm merely by existing.” — Freeman Dyson
  • “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell
  • “The chief cause of problems is solutions.” — Eric Sevareid
  • “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.” — Bertrand Russell
  • “If you obey all the rules, you will miss all the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn
  • If you’re the smartest person in the room, go look for a room with smarter people in it.
  • “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.” — Dalai Lama
  • “The future is always scary to those who cling to the past.” — Tim O’Reilly
  • “Humor is the only divine quality to be found in humanity.” — Schopenhauer
  • “One is never so dangerous as when he’s utterly convinced he is right.” — John Perry Barlow
  • “Your mind is credulous enough to believe any narrative you feed it. Choose wisely.” — Stephen Sadowski

April One-Liners

Spring has really started to beak through winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere. Let’s celebrate with some of new funny one-liners.

  • “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” — Kurt Vonnegut
  • “Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.” — Mark Twain
  • “I don’t try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.” — Ray Bradbury
  • “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” — Bob Hope
  • Your secrets are safe with me, because there’s a good chance I wasn’t listening.
  • I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there.
  • Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
  • I was going to start my diet next week, but I’ve got too much on my plate.
  • The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband’s voice right.
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
  • Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
  • Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
  • It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.
  • The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.

March One-liners

It’s March, which means it’s a good time for some new funny one-liners. To be honest, all the time is a good time for some new funny one-liners. Enjoy!

  • Every morning when I open the front door to leave for work, I tell my dog to stay, and every time I wish it were the other way around.
  • “Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” — Mark Twain
  • I thought about getting a tattoo, but decided to yell “look at me!” everywhere I went instead.
  • “Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.” — Mark Twain
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • “Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” — Mark Twain
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  • People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.
  • Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, we have a lot in common.
  • Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Thank you! I’ll help myself out.