September One-Liners

September is here. Summer is officially over, and we’re slowly moving toward darker times. But fear not, here are some sarcastic and funny one-liners to brighten your day. Want to see more? Then you should browse the complete collection of almost two thousand funny one-liners.

  • The only thing standing between you and your dreams is insomnia.
  • “The return we reap from generous actions is not always evident.” — Francesco Guicciardini
  • “Cure for an obsession: get another one.” — Mason Cooley
  • “Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.” — Red Skelton
  • You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants.
  • I knew there was little chance that the solution to my problems would be at the bottom of this whiskey bottle, but the important thing is that I tried.
  • “You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.” — Flip Wilson
  • “There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.” — Mark Twain
  • Trouble shared is trouble halved.
  • Don’t regret the past, just learn from it.
  • “Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.” — Dalai Lama
  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I’m afraid of widths.” — Steven Wright
  • “True friends stab you in the front.” — Oscar Wilde
  • “To be free is nothing, to become free is everything.” — Hegel
  • “Liberty is about our rights to question everything.” — Ai WeiWei
  • “The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.” — George Orwell
  • “To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a design committee of bureaucrats.” — Henry Spencer

August One-liners

It’s the first of the month, which means there’s time to add some more one-liners to the ever-growing collection.

  • “It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.” — Goethe
  • “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” — Henry David Thoreau
  • Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
  • Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
  • “Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.” — Michel de Montaigne
  • One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
  • “Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.” — Lily Tomlin
  • Seeing is believing.  You wouldn’t have seen it if you hadn’t believed it.
  • “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” — Seneca
  • “The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.” — Lao Tsu
  • The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.
  • “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” — Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.” — Lao Tsu
  • “Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.” — J. Winter Smith
  • You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you’re still in the parade.

July One-Liners

It’s the 1st of July, which means there’s time to add some more funny one-liners to the ever-growing one-liners collection.

  • “They didn’t want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.” — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “Perfection itself is imperfection.” — Vladimir Horowitz
  • “Every dogma has its day.” — Anthony Burgess
  • “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” — Mark Twain
  • “My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.” — Amy Sedaris
  • “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
  • “I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” — Leo Durocher
  • The fact that a conflict has many sides does not imply that every side has merit.
  • “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” — Meister Eckhart
  • “Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.” — Zig Ziglar
  • “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” — Bruce Lee
  • “Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.” — Ted Turner
  • Don’t let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth.
  • “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” — Amelia Earhart
  • “You do not become greater by making others smaller.” — Krishna Dharma
  • “I’ve sometimes thought of marrying – and then I’ve thought again.” — Noel Coward
  • “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
  • “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” — Leo Buscaglia

June One-liners

A brand new month must be celebrated with some brand new funny one-liners. These are mostly lifted from the virtually bottomless pit of well-known Unix fortunes. Enjoy!

  • “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” — Groucho Marx
  • “Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent.” — Walt Kelly
  • “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles Schulz
  • “Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.” — Terry Pratchett
  • “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno
  • “I base my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” — Gilda Radner
  • “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” — Jack Benny
  • “Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.” — Will Rogers
  • Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
  • “The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.” — Thomas Jefferson
  • The world really isn’t any worse.  It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.
  • Don’t stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
  • “Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.” — Woody Allen
  • He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another’s mishap.
  • “He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” — Lao Tsu
  • “He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” — Lao Tsu
  • If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.

May One-Liners

It’s the first of May, which marks both Labor Day, and the addition of a couple of new funny one-liners to the collection. To be honest, the ones added this month isn’t very funny, but rather more thought provoking. Enjoy!

  • “Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.” — Sam Levenson
  • “Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.” — Mark Twain
  • “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” — Charles de Gaulle
  • “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • “Middle age is when a guy keeps turning off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.” — Lillian Gordy Carter
  • “If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.” — Henry Kissinger
  • “Committees do harm merely by existing.” — Freeman Dyson
  • “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” — Thomas Sowell
  • “The chief cause of problems is solutions.” — Eric Sevareid
  • “The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.” — Bertrand Russell
  • “If you obey all the rules, you will miss all the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn
  • If you’re the smartest person in the room, go look for a room with smarter people in it.
  • “Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.” — Dalai Lama
  • “The future is always scary to those who cling to the past.” — Tim O’Reilly
  • “Humor is the only divine quality to be found in humanity.” — Schopenhauer
  • “One is never so dangerous as when he’s utterly convinced he is right.” — John Perry Barlow
  • “Your mind is credulous enough to believe any narrative you feed it. Choose wisely.” — Stephen Sadowski