by

When the realities hit you.

This little rant was written after a long night out drinking, so you have to excuse all grammar and syntax errors you find in the text, as my head is not properly attached to my brain at the moment. I’ll also read through everything when I wake up in a few hours and regret half of what I wrote, but what the hell…

Tonight I ended up partying with Terje and a some of his friends from Kragerø, some of which I think I might have seen before, but never actually talked to. To quickly sum them up, I have to say that they are a very nice bunch of people. At some point during the night, people got tired and we decided to split and head home for our beds, some people with someone to share their bed with, some people not. Lucky me, I was a member of the last club. Yay… Not a big surprise, really.

Anyways…

I always walk home from parties, no matter how far it is. I don’t know why, I guess I need the time to kind of analyze the night and the events. This time I had to walk from downtown Trondheim to where I live, which is a 40+ minutes walk, depending on the speed and how drunk you are. I’m not sure how long I used this time. But I had all the time I needed to think. And I think way too much.

When I was walking home I walked through a part of the city I always biked through when I was on my way to or from Stine‘s place when we were together. It’s only been a couple of days since we broke up, and when walking through her neighborhood, I kind of concluded that breaking up with her is possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life so far, yet the most necessary thing I’ve ever done. It’s dumb because I will probably never ever meet another girl who is able to see through my total lack of good looks and see the person behind – which is quite all right as soon as you learn to know him, I think. I mean, I’ve known myself for over 24 years now, and I haven’t suffered that much from it. Yet it was a thing that had to be done. I couldn’t look her in the eyes and tell her that I loved her, and I’m pretty sure I would never had reached that level no matter how long we’d been staying together. And she deserves better, much better. She deserves someone that can really look her in the eyes and tell her that "I love you". If I had been an ass hole, I could’ve continued seeing her, just to keep my own, physical needs under control, but that’s just not the way things work. Enough about that, people might be reading this…

As you might have noticed, I’m not a person with that much self-confidence. And speaking of self-confidence, I have to mention a conversation I had with Terje during the party. It turns out that he is suffering from the same problem. Which I think is strange as hell. The guy is good looking, he is working out on a regular basis (and actually looks like he is doing it, too) and he is a fucking great guy. There is no reason why he should suffer from low self-confidence.

And now, for something else: There is this girl that I’ve known for a while. For a few years actually, we’re known each other since high school or something like that. The last year on high school, I lost it and developed a crush on her, a fact that a lot of people around me noticed, but she totally failed to notice – or maybe she just pretended not to notice. Instead, she went ahead and started dating an acquaintance of mine, and they stayed together for two year or something. It all ended in a rather nasty breakup. She’s been on and off with some guys since that. I still like the girl, and there is a fair chance that I might develop another crush on her if I get the chance. She is very nice and rather good looking, which is a good combination. Right now she’s got the hots for another guy I know (if someone who can figure out who I’m writing about reads this, I’m totally fucked, so if you read it, don’t ask who this is all about, just pretend you never read it), but I’m not sure if they are dating, or just looking at each other. I’ve tried to ask her about it several times (three times tonight), but she is always avoiding the question, which is fucking annoying. I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s a simple "yes" or "no" question, damn it.

I seriously wonder what would happen if this she, this guy is (almost) dating, or some friend of hers reads this and figures out who I’m writing about. I guess I would never hear from her again.

There are so much more I could’ve written. But on the other hand, some things are just best left unsaid. Or unwritten, in this case. And I need to get some sleep.